Posted by juliettex on Fri 6 Mar 09, 8:57 PM to juliettex's blog.
(Another little snippet from my main blog - which can be found lurking at www.thenewadventuresofjuliette.blogspot.com Quick word of warning - if you're heavily into school-based roleplay or cut-price dungeons, it may be a good idea to give this post a miss...)
I was wandering past Ann Summers t'other day, when I found myself musing on the subject of sexual role-play. Particularly the whole time-honoured 'naughty schoolgirl' thing. And I can't help being slightly baffled as to why this particular hardy perennial fantasy is invariably set in an unchanging (and possibly mythical) 1952.
I can remember this from Nigel the ferret - who, and why will you not be surprised by this, had a big thing for school fantasies and role play. (The thicker the man, the smaller the willy and the more morbidly stunted the imagination, the greater the interest in school-based role-play fantasy. This is a scentifically proven fact. Do a survey if you don't believe me.)
Just like the other 5,000,000,000,000 unimaginative hamster-dicked cockwits who find this sort of thing eroticism incarnate, his particular sexual Valhalla was always a world of gym knickers and the cane. Standing in the corner. Six of the best. Cringing terror of the headmaster. That sort of thing.
The irony is that Nigel, like my good self and every other fucker under the age of about 68, went to a school where gym knickers and the cane were about as much a part of our daily lives as listening to Arthur Askey on the wireless and becoming an apprentice to a chimney sweep.
Yet nobody - not even the dimmest man - ever seems to have a sexual fantasy incorporating whiteboards, OFTSTED inspections, and pram-faced chavettes with dodgy hair extensions telling Miss to go and fuck herself.
Funny, that.
As Blur have said in their wisdom, Modern Life Is Rubbish.
Anyway, I've never been a fan of school based role play, aka The Browning Perversion. For a start, IMHO, teaching is about the least hot profession this side of part-time bum-wiping at Old Biddy's Retirement Home. I just can't bring myself to fancy a bloke who earns about twenty-five grand a year and wears socks with sandals. Furthermore, the whole cane thing does absolutely cock all for me. Its considerable BDSM credibility clearly derives from the fact that you can hit someone painfully with it. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that you can also hit someone painfully with a dead fish - and you'll be relieved to hear I don't get turned on thinking about that, either.
For me, the cane's resonances = Mr Chips, Nigel Molesworth, Dotheboys Hall and hairy-eared right-wing MPs with noses like strawberries ranting on about The Youth Of Today. None of which are exactly ace-high on my ever-evolving Hottest Things On The Planet list.
Furthermore, I think I'm basically allergic to dress-up role-play fantasy in all its myriad forms. Because, if I'm even vaguely sober, I'm constantly and style-crampingly aware of how bloody stupid it is - like some ghastly badly-acted, badly-plotted, badly-scripted porn movie, made on the sort of budget you can find down the back of the sofa. When I've done this before with various exes, and was walking out of the en suite 'in character' - naughty secretary, slave girl, captive - I really understood what leads professional actors to 'corpse' on stage.
('I'm sorry *snort, helpless laughter* It's just that look on your face...')
Furthermore, my imagination has far higher production values than dress-up role play. Because, unless you've got free access to the BBC wardrobe department, all dress-up role play looks fundamentally shit. Particularly BDSM dress-up role play. And when the clothes look cheap and nasty and fake, the whole thing begins to feel truly pitiful. Like when you see documentaries on suburban British professional dominatrixes - IMHO, the single most depressing species on earth (narrowly beating semi-professional Othello players into second place. I mean Othello as in the Happy Shopper chess, not Othello as in the noble Shakespearean hero.)
Having seen Nick Broomfield's memorable documentary Fetishes, I have to say that - like TV drama and political corruption - America does this shit so much better than we do, it's downright embarrassing. The kink-tastic House Of The Rising Bum in that documentary looked truly no-expense-spared. Depressingly gorgeous model-types in immaculate fantasy outfits, strolling elegantly around spectacularly well-equipped and authentic-looking playrooms - whose sheer high-gloss and attention to detail made Mad Men look like a school nativity play.
Over here, however, it's a very different story. For a start, and quite incidentally, we don't seem to get the gorgeous glamorous modelly Dommes over here. From what I've seen, the UK's own merciless goddesses seem to come in 2 main 'types' - either a - podgy housewife or b - scary tranny.
Have to say. If I was a male sub, I'd get my pathetic unworthy wormlike arse off to the USA pronto.
And - from what I can gather - our lassies' terrifying domains also suffer somewhat by comparison to the Stateside babes'. IMHO, you really can't do a dungeon on the cheap - if you have to worry how much it costs, you can't afford it. If you've got a restricted and restricting budget to work around, then - whatever ingenious use you make of light and space - you'll end up with something that is still quite obviously someone's manky cellar in unconvincing drag. With a sinister broken hoover lurking menacingly in the corner - and an elderly spider-in-residence perched aloft, watching proceedings with a jaded cocktail of amusement and weary disdain.
And so little space that, the second you pick up a riding crop, that spider is in clear and present danger.
I suppose you could always pretend it was the headquarters of an evil totalitarian regime on a budget - a sort of Lidl Lubyanka, if you will. Yet even this illusion somehow lacks that darkly majestic je ne sais quoi so necessary to sustain BDSM role-play credibility. 'Sorry, but we had to take the electrodes down Cash Converters the other day - and I know it's a bit cold but the gas meter's running low and we haven't got another 50p. Oh, and be careful on that rack. We got it on sale at MFI, and it's a bit rickety if you wiggle.'
The Pikey de Sade.
Nah, role play sucks. I'd sooner just keep it real.
'Tell you what - you be you and I'll be me. And we'll pretend we're at home in our bedroom. Then you can pretend you know where my clit is. And then I'll pretend I'm having an orgasm...'
J x
| 6 Mar 09, 9:50 PM LadyHAS 3 yrs  |
I think this was a quite funny and very interesting post. I have roleplay down as one of my interest but have yet to do it without giggling. | |
| 6 Mar 09, 9:51 PM bristolmale1965 6 yrs |
Bollocks, I just found out today I have a place to do a PGCE in September and was all excited! The starting salary for a teacher is closer to 20 grand outside London but on the up side I don't think socks and sandals are compulsory.
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| 6 Mar 09, 10:08 PM magpieuk UK(LA), 5 yrs       |
I feel really bad for finding this incredibly funny
You are a terrible person (IMHO O bugger me it's hard being interesting all the time. I envy people who can be interesting in 300 characters or less | |
| 6 Mar 09, 10:10 PM electricfog UK, 7 yrs |
juliettex, you now owe me for the laundering of a couple of pairs of unmentionables, three screen-wipes, and a slightly soggy chair.
Either that, or it's age-related incontinence kicking in, and I ought to take myself off to the home you mention | |
| 6 Mar 09, 10:37 PM spirifer UK, 6 yrs |
Bloody brilliant - in fact, I bet you went to Harvard College Yale *and* got an A. But I did have a bit of a teenage crush on Alun Armstrong as Wackford Squeers in the RSC's Nicholas Nickleby (and for Sir Mulberry Hawk, come to that), so I guess I'm just a dyed-in-the-wool maso-pervert. The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation - Pierre Trudeau | |
| 6 Mar 09, 10:53 PM Pierced_Knight 5 yrs |
Excellent and sooo funny/true!
I'm now a fan Edited to add: My favourite bit...
"I'm just a bloody normal bloke. A normal bloke who likes a bit of torture" Mark 'Chopper' Read Edited 6 Mar 09, 10:56 PM by Pierced_Knight | |
| 6 Mar 09, 11:02 PM Butterscotch UK(RM), 3 yrs |
Pikey De Sade lmao | |
| 7 Mar 09, 6:55 AM alexandraa UK(NW), 8 yrs |
I'm an honest to goodness straight down the line masochistic submissive who likes good hard sex. It's a simple thing. Although in absolute honesty there is some degree of role play in my life, in fact in all our lives, we take particular roles and collude in certain circumstances, within and outside of sexual relationships. However I do not need to pretend to be a naughty schoolgirl to get my rocks off. I wonder if people who need such role play find it provides an easy framework within which to meet their sexual needs and fantasies? It's maybe easier for them than to simply face the fact they like sex and pain, to give and/or receive. (Shrug). Me? I like good hard sex with some impact play, rude words and hair pulling thrown in for free and I don't want to need to pretend I'm anything other than what I am to accept that. I can see where others might find formal role play fun or erotic, and to be fair I have protocols and certain routines within my Ds/SM relationship. Bottom line is though.... I like a full on forceful sexually dominant man, who knows what he wants and wants it here, now, fast and furious, no messing about.
Be careful what you wish for | |
| 7 Mar 09, 8:20 AM ClitMeister UK(OX), 3 yrs |
Always at your service Juli
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| 7 Mar 09, 1:25 PM juliettex UK, 3 yrs |
Spirifer - re Wackford Squeers, oh man, I thought I had bad taste in fictional men!! If it's any consolation, I fancied Mr Jaggers in the book of Great Expectations (NOT the movie, in which he is apparently played by Michael Moore in a fat suit  So we've both been drawn to extremely dodgy Charles Dickens characters - wonder if that's a recognised perversion (dickensophilia???) By the way, who's Sir Mulberry Hawk???? J x
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