Fuck it, I think we all need a bit o this.... (12)

As it appears that everyones sense of humors have disappeared allow me to consensually rape the fuck outta whats left!

Jokes from the late great Tommy Cooper..................

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

"Doc, I can't stop singing "the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom". "How's that?" "Don't you start"

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."

Two parrot's sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

What's got 4 legs and an arm ? A happy Rottweiler !!

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom boom!

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d"

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was "a salted"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A Buddhist monk, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says 'A premature ejaculation' 'What?' says the woman The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

What do you use a wombat for? For playing wom!

What Ticks on the wall? Ticky Paper

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Michael Jackson".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

As it appears that everyones sense of humors have disappeared allow me to consensually rape the fuck outta whats left!

Jokes from the late great Tommy Cooper..................

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

"Doc, I can't stop singing "the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom". "How's that?" "Don't you start"

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then."

Two parrot's sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

What's got 4 legs and an arm ? A happy Rottweiler !!

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom boom!

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d"

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was "a salted"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A Buddhist monk, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says 'A premature ejaculation' 'What?' says the woman The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

What do you use a wombat for? For playing wom!

What Ticks on the wall? Ticky Paper

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Michael Jackson".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".