What is There to Love? (11)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Sun 15 Feb 09, 10:05 AM

I have a friend, we've known each other for more years than I care to remember, over 25 years in fact eek! Surely I'm not that old. For the last nine years she has been in a relationship I struggle with on many fronts. You'd think hey, look at me, with a married man, into power exchange and SM, dabble with another woman, what's to not like about anyone else's relationship choices.

He's an abusive man is what. Controls her through withholding affection, verbally abuses her, destroys her self esteem, takes away her confidence and hits her. It's anathema to me. The antichrist of what I expect from a loving long term relationship. I'm really starting to get worried now as the violence is escalating. After years of pushes and open handed slaps, suddenly its turned to punches and kicks in the ribs. Nothing of course is consensual. Even the gentlest of open handed slap done with anger (rather than erotic intent) is utterly unacceptable in my book of how the world works according to alexandraa.

Of all the things she has told me, oddly enough it's one unexpected thing that has stuck in my mind. That has really upset me. That I think about and ponder. She said -

But, I love him. I love him so much my world falls apart at the thought of leaving him.

How? I wondered. How do you love someone who treats you in this way, so much? Why don't you hate him?

When I think of how I love Colbeh, my heart skips with joy, a smile touches my face, I feel aroused, I feel beloved, I feel held carefully and protectively, safe beyond safe. In the gentlest and strongest of ways. What does she feel I wondered when she says that - But I love him? What is there to love?

So me being me, I Googled.

If you get a chance, take a look at Stockholm Syndrome.

How we can easily fall in love with our abusers.

Scary stuff.

She is staying with me next week. I will have to think carefully on what to talk to her about and how to try and support her in a constructive way…..

Edited Sun 15 Feb 09, 5:24 PM by alexandraa

Replies

15 Feb 09, 10:26 AM
Sweetiejar
UK(S), 9 yrs
It is scary.
I have some friends whose 16 year old daughter is involved with a man like that. Nothing they can do about it and believe me they have tried. Police, social workers, councellers the whole range of people you would think could help. She has turned into a nightmare, abusing and attacking her parents, stealing, its all getting too much for them and I dont blame them.
Difficult though when someone is an adult. If someone walked up to her in the street and punched her to the floor then kicked her in the ribs she would see that behaviour for what it is. These men build a dependancy, and a guilt system 'look what you made me do, I wouldnt behave like that if you didnt make me'.
Its heartbreaking to see someone you care about in that situation but I have absolutely no advice to give you. Until the big wake up call comes, she is where she wants to be.
Sweetiejar
The more you sweat in practice...the less you bleed in battle.
www.chesterfieldconclave.com

15 Feb 09, 10:28 AM
pinkrebel
UK, 3 yrs I've been in this situation too. Try to get hold of a book by the woman who started the Refuge charity. I think it's called the Charm Syndrome and is a very honest account of why women stay with abusers and why abusers do what they do. Not all of it may be relevant to your friend's situation, but might be worth a shot.
Hope this helps.
pr x

15 Feb 09, 10:39 AM
crimsonsky
UK, 4 yrs

Sweetiejar wrote:
Its heartbreaking to see someone you care about in that situation but I have absolutely no advice to give you. Until the big wake up call comes, she is where she wants to be.
I'd agree with this.It is something I have been thinking about a lot recently. I tend to get angry and frustrated with friends who seem unable to recognise that the person they love is abusive and dangerous.If you want to continue being a friend then perhaps the trick is not to have an emotional investment in them leaving the abusive relationship.

15 Feb 09, 10:56 AM
caprycorn
UK, 6 yrs
Y!
It's horrifying to see. As you say, the gentlest of slaps when delivered outwith the framework with which we govern our dynamics would be enough to have me out the door. But then that's probably why some of us have the frameworks that we do, the elaborations, preparations, routines and rituals, because it gives us that confirmation of what is acceptable in a D/s relationship with S/m drivers. And conversely, what is not.
My own catalyst was my child; living with abuse was almost a routine for me but not when it was directed at my child. Once and once only, and never again. But it is so different for others.
Good luck love. I'm only a call away if I can help at all
xxx
My imaginary friend thinks that you have a problem

15 Feb 09, 11:36 AM
LouiseM
UK, 6 yrs
Sweetiejar wrote:
Its heartbreaking to see someone you care about in that situation but I have absolutely no advice to give you. Until the big wake up call comes, she is where she wants to be.
Totally agree and until she decides enough is enough she won't thank you for being negative towards, him or their relationship. All you can do is say if ever you need me I'm here.
When looked upon from the outside an abusive relationship seems ludicrous but to the person involved it skews their emotions and values. It's not uncommon to feel the attention your getting albeit violent must be because they care about you. In addition your non existent self esteem makes you feel that you might have encouraged the violence, after the first blow is thrown the violence doesn't seem so shocking anymore, however the bruises are reminders of all the failure around you.
It not logical, I truly believe the way it changes your mind it could be classed as a mental disorder. Unfortunately some never break the cycle and all that you can do is watch the disaster as it unfolds. Its not easy, wish I could tell you something different.
Louise

Going to school does not make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car
It is better to have wise people reprimand you than to have stupid people sing your praises
http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/Phoenix_Sunday_...

15 Feb 09, 11:56 AM
princess_sPankypants
UK(FK), 5 yrs the one thing that finally broke the cycle for me was my ex's father coming to see me, he urged me not to put his grandchildren through the same abuse that his son had gone through at his mothers hands
his words echoed through my mind every time my ex put the pressure on for me to go back
eventually i moved 400 miles away to remove the pressure, much to the relief of my ex father in law
i know it sounds strange, but she needs someone to show her what healthy love really is, i will bet a pound to a penny she truly believes, when he makes up for the wrong he does, he is showing her love, and i bet a pound to a penny he has also convinced her that no one else will want her

15 Feb 09, 2:59 PM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 6 yrs
Thank you. You are all right on every word you say and for nine years I have been loyal and true, listened and kept my mouth shut. I'm the only friend she still has left. Everyone else has dropped by the way side. He hates her having contact with me of course and has tried to foul that too. I feel a bit scared myself that she is risking a visit to me for a few days. No doubt there will be repercussions there. I feel worried now because he has become more violent than he used to be. And that I will open my mouth about, but will be careful not to drive her away too.
I really hope she is close to the edge, close to seeing what she has against what she could have. But I doubt it too. I intend to surround her with my friends and for us to have a good time. Colbeh will spoil us, as will Best Gay Mate. We will have fun and relaxation for a couple of days. At least it will give her a break and a rest and hopefully some positives to call on.
It's a terribly frustrating thing.....
Sigh....

Be careful what you wish for

15 Feb 09, 5:56 PM
Jezzebelle
UK, 8 yrs
I do empathise with your situation, I have had friends who have stayed in appalling relationships. I have been in a couple of abusive relationships, but as soon as the violence started I left very swiftly. I guess all you can do is be there for her.
Jx
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jezzebelle/
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
- William Dement

17 Feb 09, 10:26 PM
morethanthis
UK(IP), 2 yrs
This is an absolute horror story... that arrives with a strong sense of terror, powerlessness, despair and complexity. The only way out is 'out' and clearly this is very complicated and treachurous.
The police, are powerless unless the victim presses charges. Counsellors can only advocate and encourage personal safety and social workers will mainly be concerned in protecting children. The victim is powerless as long as they remain in the relationship. This feeds the perpetrators narcisistic supply to abusively and without consent control and humiliate. But there are ways .. have aread of this.
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/9.htmlt
Myke

28 Feb 09, 5:06 PM
bill48
16 mths
Destroying self-esteem and self-confidence is almost if not as bad as the violence

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