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| poutanaki |
An invitation to a birthday gathering, led me to look in my seldom explored wardrobe. I had the slight hope that there may be something of a bigger size tucked away and forgotten. There was not. It is still full of clothes that I am unable to fit into, clothes it seems I only wore a short time ago, but it must be years now. A few 16's, but mainly size 14. A size that many consider to be large, but to me now, is small and mocking.
I almost can't believe that my waist, hips used to be so small. Yet I remember that even these clothes began to hang off me, that the trousers were falling down and had been put away for being that little bit too big.
Its seems impossible that I could ever get that small again. Surely my hip bones wouldn't allow it? Perhaps my body has matured and widened? Though it was not so long ago, so perhaps not.
I remember with sadness, that at the time when at my thinnest, I felt that I was huge. Maybe that comes with being large most my life and losing 6 stone 3 or 4 years earlier, maybe I could never stop seeing myself as I used to be. I despised my shape, my perceived fatness.
Or maybe I just focused all the hatred I had for myself into that one key area. All the anger and the shame and the guilt honed down to one simple issue - weight. That I could have control of all that, of all those dark feelings, if I could control weight, control food. That I could turn that, which had previously been a comfort, been uncontrolled, into the enemy, into the ultimate control.
It shocks me now to think how sick I became, to think of that list of safe foods that became law. To think of my revulsion of eating, or the pleasure in ridding my body of food. To remember days of obsessive routines and such distorted thinking.
I can't imagine ever being in that place again, but I don't dismiss the notion that it is not so hard to do, given the right circumstances.
So I am watchfull now, given that I am making yet another attempt to lose some of the 7 or 8 stone I put on over the last 5 years when I went from that awful obsession to another. That I do not fall into the trap, that I do not allow that way of thinking to creep in.
I am so grateful now for my ability to eat normally. For my lack of guilt. That I know just how sick I was and that in stark contrast I enjoy just how well I became. I want to lose weight now to conquer the effects of a long fought battle, on both sides of the coin.
I don't hate myself, I know that whatever my size I am attractive. The years have taught me that I am beautiful. That I never deserved to treat myself with such contempt, to judge myself so badly.
I feel now, that despite all of the faults and misfortunes, the world is beautiful.
Looking back, i've come such a long way!
Edited Sat 7 Feb 09, 4:26 PM by poutanaki
| 7 Feb 09, 4:17 PM Shamonu UK, 7 yrs  |
Brave lady and a beautiful one She's so pure, Moses could'nt even part her knees.....Joan Rivers on Marie Osmond. |
| 7 Feb 09, 10:51 PM BikerButch UK(ST), 6 yrs |
you have come such a long way baby...... i think the best way is to do it slowly without rishing. i know myself how hard that is though. Me x |
| 8 Feb 09, 7:01 PM res4sub 7 yrs |
a good blog, mimicks some of my feelings towards the end. I used to beat myself up so much about being ugly and fat, now i look on the bright side and take the compliments i recieve positively
good luck with it all, and if you need any advice, give me a text rhi xxx 'Would it be a bad thing if I just strangled you with these right now?' |
| 9 Feb 09, 12:49 PM shy_sarah UK(M), 4 yrs |
Keep going and stay sane xxx Compliance for fun? Hell yes. |
| 10 Feb 09, 1:48 PM rosarose UK(SG), 3 yrs |
Your blog struck a chord with me, have struggled with weight issues all my life and the corresponding negative emotions of fear, hate, disgust, guilt that come with it. I just wanted to say really that I admire your courage and determination to a) speak about it in a blog and b) do something about it. In my experience, neither of those are easy things to do. |
