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Living back in the Bay Area, it's been interesting to see how casually sexual favors are flung about as a way to navigate tricky social waters. One of my friends said that we give away blow jobs as casually as handshakes, and while it's funny and that gets a lot of "wow, I'm in the wrong place!" type comments, it's also kind of sad.
I used to be able to have pretty casual sex. I'd do one night stands and not think a lot of it. I'd go to a play party and play with someone, not because I particularly liked them, but out of boredom.
As I've gone further into the world of sex work, however, this has almost completely stopped. I'm not that surprised- if you think of it as "I do that casual shit and get paid!", then suddenly the idea of giving it away is, well, silly. My play and sex has been more focused on people I really enjoy- and my tolerance for play I'm not that into increases with the affection I have for the people involved.
But adjusting that attitude to here is difficult. My ex-lovers, on some level, expected we would sleep together again, and why not? That's what everyone does here. You don't break up, you just stop sleeping together for a while. I know one couple I hung out with saw my return as something exciting because they figured we'd play again- I'm not against it, but I also don't want to do it just to do it, just because, or more to the point because I want the ego boost. I want to do it because it's fun.
I had to sit down with an ex and say that while I liked him and wanted to hang out with him I didn't want to play with him just because it was easier than talking. I didn't want sex to be our emotional substitute- I wanted it to be better because of the connection. And, also, I didn't want to fuck or play with someone who didn't want that emotional connection. I like to play with some dark and dirty stuff in my psyche and in the psyches of others, and that's not something I dabble with on a casual basis. That was sort of an epiphany for me- while I don't need to be in love with or deeply attached to the person I, say, do rape fantasies with, I definitely need to trust them and to have an emotional connection.
Luckily I have some lovers here who are cool with all that and who like the snuggles and petting and kissing stuff without it needing the sex towel. And that's a relief. I hadn't realized how big of a change that was until I came back here.
Snuggling with him last night made me think a lot about how we just didn't fit together quite right, physically, and his pheromones were just a bit off.
I still feel a bit heartsick and homesick.
