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| sadeyes |
on Fri 30 Jan 09, 3:02 PM to sadeyes's blog.
She said I was her favourite, the one she felt comfortable inviting over to her house, the one she'd have long late night talks with over the phone.
But the absurdity of the situation was this: I paid her, and regularly. A strange relationship - a pastiche of girlfriend, Mistress and prostitute. We never had sex or kissed. But I paid her.
And I was aware she had "clients" but she assured me they were just business. One in particular was big business because he was a city boy who showered her with tributes my meagre offerings could not hold a candle to.
But I was always 'The One'. The special one, the favourite one.
And now I have seen them kiss one another and my heart is broken. I have seen her engaging in play with him right in front of my very eyes. She did it deliberately and supposed that I might feel a masochostic kick from being cuckolded. She supposed wrong.
I was livid. She told me she was celibate and didn't "do kisses". That she enjoyed dominating men but was seldom attracted to them. So why was she kissing him now in front of me - deep, long, loving kisses? Why was she letting him play doggie - a scenario I have begged her to enact with me and which she has coldly said no to? She ruffled his hair, led him around on a chain and collar, stroked him, hugged him, smiled at him.
I am heart broken.
I know she does not deserve me.
I am a decent and honest person.
But I still love her. I've never loved anybody in my life and I have never been loved by another woman. That includes her. She just strung me along probably because I was easy company and a handy source of income. Two years of my life spent in a delusion.
The depth of my sadness is indescribeable.
I simply cannot picture anybody else as my Mistress. She has defined the word, she has become inseparably bound to it. And when I went with her to a fetish club I had a guilty premonition that my eye might wander and that I might see other women who attract me more. I can honestly say that she was my single focus for the entire night.
Elbow-length rubber gloves, her kinky hair wrapped in to an elegant bouffant and a wonderfully regal period costume that instantly sets itself apart from the usual PVC and leather outfits.
And an exotic face whose ethnicity cannot be pinpointed. She is part Afro-carribean and part white but she could be anything and has sometimes been mistaken for Persian and North African. I loved that ambiguity about her - so unique.
I've rambled on enough. My inarticulate prose doesn't even come close to expressing my feelings on the matter.
You bitch. I love you, and I still do. But the feeling isn't mutual - I just wish you'd never let me believe there was a chance I could ever win you over. So many wasted hours dreaming about you. We had so much in common but you just weren't attracted to me. That wasn't your fault. Your fault was to string me along.
I love you, Mistress.
You were the only real friend I had in this unbearably lonely city.
Edited Fri 30 Jan 09, 3:06 PM by sadeyes
| 30 Jan 09, 3:16 PM MistressLuzie UK(CA), 5 yrs £ |
poor you the sadest entry I read in along time Hope you pick yourself off the floor soon. I know it hurts. You 're in my thoughts ML Life is for living and websites are for annoying people www.mistress-luzie.co.uk |
| 30 Jan 09, 3:43 PM lucyloo 3 yrs |
Life is very cruel sometimes. My heart goes out to you . x You don't get to taste the honey without the sting of the bee. |
| 30 Jan 09, 3:57 PM sadeyes UK(NW), 4 yrs |
Thank you so much.
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| 31 Jan 09, 10:33 AM NinjaBitch 7 yrs |
Time heals. Perfect behavio(u)r is born of complete indifference. |
| 13 Feb 09, 1:22 PM Butterscotch UK(RM), 3 yrs |
A very sad entry, I hope that in time you can come to terms with this and find the right relationship for you x |
