This post is on the Manchester (M) topics page and the SM/Bondage/Fetish web board.
| 27 Jan 09, 5:12 PM Jahc99 UK, 5 yrs  |
It's hard to say, but I suspect that first sentence there might be rather important. Especially if the negative stuff was at a formative stage - whenever that may be - the bad can get mixed with the good very easily, it seems. Perhaps that's because even folks like me who have no such negative issues, still often felt great doubt about what their interest in kink meant. Can remember as a kid wondering if I was some sort of nutcase whose bondage fantasies would lead to nastiness and all that - it was a lonely feeling for many, especially in pre-internet days. Add in some real life negativity and the two can so easily become intertwined and confused. Taking back control of your kink from the association with negative things can maybe help see those issues in sharper relief, and thereby make them easier to deal with. And kink itself can be most theraputic - time in the control of a loving and caring Master can be just the ticket. This is all food for thought of course - I only know you through the boards and our e mails, but the best wishes are real enough. Why poison your liver when I could eat it for you? | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 5:38 PM Ghedes_Princess UK(SW), 6 yrs   |
Sure, why not? We use all sorts of stratagies and behaviours for coping.
I have to say that I never reached that "cured" place. However, I did reach a level of exceptance for my experiences, and compassion for myself in regard to them. Ultimatly, you should realize that at different intervals in the process you are likely to feel a range of emotions relating to all areas of your life, including this one. If you can reach a place in your life where you can experience the joy, without it being jaded, you are doing well, and what part BDSM plays in it is neither here nor there. Where ever it leads you, I wish you courage and strengeth for the journey, and wish you the peace that you are seeking. xxx Edited because I put too many "LIFE"'s in! Edited 27 Jan 09, 6:16 PM by Ghedes_Princess | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 7:07 PM incantatrice 3 yrs |
How beautifully put! Thank you www.vanillaspiced.com | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 7:19 PM twisted_kitty UK(OX), 4 yrs |
I dont know if its phase. I know I am more submissive at certain times more than others. I know kink is very private for me. There are times i need pain more than others. The need never completely leaves me. Saying that there are times in the past i wanted to just walk away from BDSM. At times where I did not understand this need and it was like a damaging addiction. I think we all are works in progress and it all depends what it is we want to acheive within ourselves. It depends if it leaves feeling fullfilled satisfied and no taken advantage off. Life is a biatch ... fuck her dont take her too seriously but love her with all your heart! Edited 27 Jan 09, 7:22 PM by twisted_kitty | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 7:33 PM DK1369 UK(M), 9 yrs |
From experience people may have issues which they "work" on or don't and may have deep seated issues of varying degrees but BDSM allows them to make a choice and empowers them rather than victimises them further....it's a bit like the Shamanic reclaiming of parts of the soul which have splintered off. Is the counselling intended to go beyond the talking through your issues? As, in my experience, understanding does not necessarily remove the past. Though your past may be something that is holding you back in life. Some Men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. Marianne Williamson | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 7:51 PM Excalibur_1949 6 yrs |
My opinnion, for what it is worth, is that bdsm is actually a parallel road to life itself. It has many forks which can take us back to the "vanilla" life we once knew, or we can ignore the forks and continue our journey. However, as the roads both run parallel, there is alos the chance that once you start on one road, you miss all the forks, and stay on that one single road. For Me it has been bdsm for as long as I can remember. And to be honest, I am happy that way. I take the "vanilla" forks when I go to work, or to the local pub, but as soon as I leave either, I find Myself back on the bdsm road. maybe it is not a case of is bdsm a phase we can outgrow, but rather is bdsm the road we wish to travel. for some this road leads to fulfilment, to others if fails to fill that essential gap we all try to fill. In life we live as we wish, and then discover at some stage that perhaps we are not really fulfilled, there is a two percent gap we are not filling. if you two percent is bdsm, then cuddle it. embrace it, take it on board, and allow it to be the element that gives you fulfilment. if, like Myself, bdsm is a greater percentage, then embrace that too. its not a bank account on which you can draw interest every month or so, its a thing that drives, and drives like no slave driver could. its a part of you, its part of your make up, and it will never be removed. It can be shelved for a time, but cannot be erased. no matter what you do in life, where ever you go, you will always be at least on part bdsm, and you will miss it, and what it brought you. bdsm isnt a choice..it never has been, its the fulfilment of a need, and when you walk away for a while, you can feel that need, that vaccuum that needs to be filled, and bdsm is the only filling that will work. I have, one way or another, been involved in this lifestyle for over 40 years, even before there was an "open" scene. it isnt a part of My life, its My life, and the vanilla fills the void when I am sat at home, alone. no amount of councelling will change the fundementals. if you are submissive, then you are submissive. if you are Dominant, then you are Dominant. embrace who and what you arte..take what that involvement can offer, grow with it, allow it to give you the supreme confidence that bdsm can give you, to control the other aspects of you life. those that say necoming a submissive is the easy way out, dont know what they are talking about. It takes a lot of nerve to give yourself to another, to allow them to take you to and past your limits. the feint of heart give up long before they discover who they really are. But as I said, just My opinnion.. | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 7:55 PM rocket_wench UK, 3 yrs |
I suspect that being part of the scene is usually a fluctuating thing. Or that someone may fall irretrievably in love with someone who isn't into BDSM and decides the rest compensates so gives it up. BDSM can't be a phase for me because I know what I need, I want it, and it is me, but then I also know who I want, and at the moment they are out of reach, so who knows what a person does after something like that - become a monk?? | ||
| 27 Jan 09, 8:36 PM Captain_Jack UK(CR), 5 yrs |
I was just about to write that it is possible on an individual basis, but it's far from a satisfying general explanation. However, if you look at a wider definition of "issues", then the statement becomes true. If you see the need to control, hurt, show off, humiliate, abuse etc, or likewise being controlled/hurt/shown off/humiliated/abused as "issues". Or if being so defunct/abnormal/alternative from the vanilla crowd, that you seek refuge with the friendly kinky people, that's an issue too. Or whatever compulsion drives you to associate yourself with the kinky/fetish/BDSM crowd. So we all have our issues and that's why we are here. If on the other hand you want to narrowly define "issues" as the leftovers of childhood or other forms of trauma, then I'd go back to my starting point: Possible, but not necessarily the case. Your Captain Jack | ||
| 28 Jan 09, 2:16 AM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
thanks to everyone for their relevant and helpful replies...taking to time to write to a fellow human in need is always greatly appreciated
i went to a munch tonight (great munch hehe I think the kink will always be there...i just got so much joy in talking kink related stuff with others...i don't think that a) i should try to remove that pleasure from my life b) my genuine interest in what they were saying is potentially erasable so yeah, I have already accepted that i doubt i'll change from being predominantly lesbian, so i'm guessin it's pretty unlikely that i can make a transistion from bdsm to nilla just liek that too, especially in how i would identify that i see bdsm as a lifestyle rather than just a bedroom interest so yeah...gonna have a break while i sort out me issues and then when i feel better, there will always be plenty of good experiences to come back to later down the line i'm sure
admittedly, i was quick to come to a decision from my OP this afternoon...but admittedly, amongst the dippyness I know myself and have good friends...and I've got some very insightful answers just from being around fellow bdsms today....not direct answers...just answers from observation i feel lucky, i feel loved and i feel cared about
councelling helped massively before and i have faith in it this time too...i am soooo gonna try my best to be, what i would refer to as, a winner!
apols for slightly blogesque thread hijack there hehe..i just wanted to say thanks and that i'm optimistic thanks,
Laura
EDIT: break is defined by continuing to socialise at munches but not to attend clubs to avoid a play based environment for the time being Edited 28 Jan 09, 2:18 AM by totallycoverme | ||
| 28 Jan 09, 5:15 PM rabbot 12 yrs |
I think it is a phase for some and not for others. Different people like alternative aspects of bdsm. For some it is intensely sexual, for others it is not. Some people like the fashions and clothing, some like the music scene. You have to discover your own needs and what makes you happy and you have plenty of time to sort things out. Personally it has been part of my sexual orientation since puberty although I've had a lot of vanilla relationships and certainly on my teenage dates I never mentioned it. It is also possible to be interested without being that involved in physical play although the urge keeps gnawing away in the background all the time.
'taste the whip, in love not given lightly, taste the whip now bleed for me' Velvet Underground |
