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| blacksheepboy |
In the news today:Philately: should we stamp it out?
Violated bodies
At the Old Bailey today, Lord Justice Flogham handed down a life sentence to David McBastard, the man found guilty of the infamous 'postage stamp murders'. In a three-year reign of terror, McBastard murdered eight young women in his home town of Shitehaven. The judge remarked on the particularly gruesome nature of the killings, as the victims' naked and violated bodies were left completely covered in postage stamps. The coroner had recorded asphyxia as the cause of death in each instance, due to the victim's airways being blocked by the stamps. Justice Flogham, summing up, declared that McBastard was a 'particularly sick' individual and rejected the defence's claim that he had simply 'gone postal'.
Depravity
Details have now emerged of the dark and twisted fantasy world McBastard had built up over many years. As a young boy, it was already clear that he had an 'unnatural interest' in postage stamps, according to a former teacher. Police had found copies of the Stanley Gibbons catalogue in his home after his arrest, along with thousands of images of stamps from around the world on his hard drive. McBastard's former girlfriend, Penny Black, also told of how he often asked to 'lick her back side'. A forensic psychologist has stated that his obsession with stamp collecting almost certainly led McBastard to kill, saying “Men of this kind are very rarely satisfied by merely observing stamps online, or in their own albums. This only feeds their hunger for greater depravity.”
Disgusting
Politicians of all parties are now calling for an immediate ban on stamp collecting, in response to a support group set up by the victims' families. The tearful mother of one of the victims said “If it wasn't for stamp collecting, my daughter would be alive today. I know they say there's no proof to link philately with brutal sex attacks, but all I know is that McBastard was still collecting stamps and going online in philatelic forums right up to the day he murdered my daughter. They say the majority of people can engage in perfectly harmless stamp collecting. Well, I'm sorry but what may be 'harmless fun' to some can turn others into brutal monsters, and if there's any possibility of that whatsoever, then we must put a stop to this disgusting, dirty and immoral activity, even if it means spoiling the so-called fun of a few so-called 'harmless' people.” A proposed new law to ban online stamp collecting has already been drafted by Labour's Morality Secretary, Harriet Tightbottom.
Sexual Arousal
A spokesperson for the online forum 'Informed Philately' is quoted as saying “This new law is so badly worded that thousands of ordinary philatelists would be criminalised. We welcome the addition of a clause allowing people to have stamps for private use. However, it would be very difficult to prove that someone has downloaded images of stamps for purposes other than sexual arousal. Indeed, many of us do get highly aroused by looking at pictures of postage stamps, and we see nothing wrong in that. Stamps are part of mainstream culture, you see them on letters every day, and many normal couples like to collect stamps as part of a loving relationship.”
Filth
But maybe it's time we stopped listening to potential sex offenders and perverted sexual deviants. The victims of stamp-collecting fiends have been silent for long enough. Join us in our campaign to rid Britain of this perverted filth, NOW!
| 23 Jan 09, 5:58 PM just_six UK(CH), 9 yrs |
Wonderful, gave me a real chuckle!! | |
| 23 Jan 09, 6:01 PM Scribbles UK(RH), 4 yrs |
Disgusting! | |
| 23 Jan 09, 6:01 PM electricfog UK, 7 yrs |
He really should have known better: philately gets you nowhere. | |
| 23 Jan 09, 6:16 PM Prunesquallor UK(RG), 6 yrs |
Bloody philatelists - they are the scum of the earth, and they should be slowly tortured to death. | |
| 23 Jan 09, 6:28 PM MarcusStrapp UK(CB), 7 yrs |
We've probably all indulged in a bit philately at some point in our past. Who of us has not licked a stamp at some point? But, I think under the circumstances it would be sensible to take steps to protect this site from falling foul of the proposed legislation. Perhaps we should all resubmit our pictures to ensure they do not show images of extreme philately. Can't be too careful. The Fetish Photo Album A free and private flickr group for IC members to share dirty pictures! | |
| 23 Jan 09, 7:41 PM newfavourite UK(S), 4 yrs  |
I collect stamps, I admit. But only so that I can piss all over the queen's face in the privacy of my own home. That's not so wrong is it? | |
| 23 Jan 09, 9:31 PM larra_uk 7 yrs |
Brilliant, laughed my socks off. I read it out to my mother and then had to explain what you were parodying(sp?) eeeek! larra x | |
| 23 Jan 09, 11:23 PM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 3 yrs |
I take that as the highest accolade, coming from you. I must here confess that I too built up a substantial stamp collection (in my wilder days). Anyone fancy coming round to see them (I might even let you touch them)? I have no intention of getting rid of any of my lovely stamps. Even if I must become a martyr, I shall defy this oppressive new law. What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it? Edited 24 Jan 09, 12:06 AM by blacksheepboy | |
| 23 Jan 09, 11:32 PM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 3 yrs |
Indeed not. Although I do feel sorry for your postman. Personally, I like to lick her before pounding her face repeatedly with my fist. What's the point having cake, if you can't eat it? Edited 24 Jan 09, 12:09 PM by blacksheepboy | |
| 24 Jan 09, 10:24 AM Minstrel UK(EC), 4 yrs |
Oh good, an unlocked computer. I can use this to hide my real identity and frame a poor innocent bystander who has no interest in these sorts of things.
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