 |
| alexandraa |
This weekend I seem to have been bombarded with friends who are at logger heads with their partners. He said/she said/they said. I listen patiently, understanding completely that they all still love their partners/friends/family and the drama was actually all arguments about nothing. They just wanted to vent but had no real hatred for their chosen ones. They all knew I would just listen and not judge.
And so I listened and thought - they just aren't being patient, listening or showing respect to each other. They aren't thinking about what was behind their partner's upset or behaviours. My mind was ticking away while my third friend in a row was telling me about how a small misunderstanding over Sunday newspapers and breakfast resulted in him and his partner of 16 years at the cliff edge of splitting up, by dinner. They had been in bliss for weeks prior to that. Bliss to screaming hatred in a matter of seconds. Why do people do that. I have done that, lord knows all my previous relationships were exactly like that. But now? I have not raised my voice in anger at Colbeh, ever, not in seven years.
What happens to people that they so disrespect each other, I wondered to myself, as he spoke of his lover's faults to me and shook his head in anguish at the drama queening. What has happened to me that I no longer do that that? I tried to imagine throwing a fit at Colbeh because I felt he hadn't listened to me properly, or that he didn't quite understand the nuance of what I was trying to tell him. Erm no. Just so totally not how I would behave towards him. Gulp.
Of course I have ways and means of communicating unhappiness to him but I would never confront directly, shout or stamp. That's not how things work between us. Seven years down the road of a power exchange relationship and I have learned a great deal about communicating effectively without precipitating fireworks. We have an established framework. I know how he expects me to communicate with him if I feel unhappy or need his advice, and I know and trust how he will deal with that.
I know he will listen quietly and seriously to what I have to say and then think about what I have said, then come back to me when he is ready with his decisions and reasoning. I know that my choice is then to accept his decision or… accept his decision. End of story, that's the deal, we are after all in a power exchange relationship.
Maybe it's just the people we are. Maybe it just suits us both to communicate in that way and that's part of why we are still together years later despite our circumstances.
However I think when you establish a power exchange relationship you negotiate with each other in a way people would not normally do. At least we did anyway. I would say our first 6 months or so were very intense and very much about each other's expectations. Well, about his expectations and me divulging my life story and each and every thought that flew through my head. Until we reached a place where he knew me inside and out, understood my motivations, fantasies and life ambitions. Understood how and why I reacted in particular ways in different situations, be that sexual or mental or trigger points from childhood experiences.
I do listen with horror to how people scream and shout and accuse without consideration, thought or respect. I wonder if I was with another partner, or left BDSM completely and entered a relationship without a particularly recognised dynamic, would I return to my past behaviour of shouting and throwing ornaments? Is it simply about the match between Colbeh and I or is it more about the agreed framework within which we operate? Or have I just developed and matured under his guidance so I know how to communicate effectively without causing damage?
I think it's some of all of that, in that part of our match is about wanting the same things, and part of that being us both wanting a clear framework for our relationship, and I have matured emotionally and become more careful about venting my thoughts. Far more careful about how I communicate with the significant other in my life. I don't think I can divorce one from the other. Certainty, clarity, agreed behaviours and communication routes, plus a treasuring of the time we do have together.
I also know because I have agreed to the power exchange the deal is, he has the final word. His word is law. So I don't chunter and kick against that. Wanting someone to make decisions in your life means agreeing that they can and allowing them to do so without tantrums.
That's the point of handing power over isn't it. Recognising that deal and then taking that step which means you actually pass that power to them and accept their decisions. There is of course a whole world of trust and respect that sits behind that simple sentence.
But then maybe it's just about effective communication.
I am however glad someone controls me nowadays and no longer do I scream like a fish wife at the lover in my life while informing him (and the neighbours) of all his faults…..
Good lord did I really use to behave that way? How awful.
| 19 Jan 09, 9:03 PM MissKimberley NL, 8 yrs     |
Just a question, but do you live together 24/7? "You say that my way of thinking cannot be tolerated? What of it? The man who alters his way of thinking to suit others is a fool. My way of thinking is the result of my reflections. It is part of my inner being, the way I am made." Marquis de Sade | ||
| 19 Jan 09, 10:56 PM alexandraa UK(NW), 8 yrs |
We do not and nor do 2 of the 3 friends who were complaining to me about their partners this weekend.... and your point is therefore...... I do understand the point you are trying to make. However, no matter how much time you are with someone, whether you live with them or not, you still make decisions about how you communicate with them. I lived with someone for 16 years and in that time communicated effectively with them....... not very often at all. The point I am trying to make above is, for me, my Ds relationship has given me a whole different understanding on how to communicate effectively and positively within a relationship, a formal framework for that communication.
Be careful what you wish for | ||
| 19 Jan 09, 11:04 PM newfavourite UK(S), 4 yrs |
I saw a friend this evening who seems to be in a constant unacknowledged 'power battle' with her partner that is draining and upsetting for them both. I have been in those
myself. I am not in a power exchange relationship, but I am attracted to, and probably have already benefitted from the idea of giving up power, and/or structuring it in a BDSM context so that it becomes less of an issue in a relationship. To communicate that to my non-BDSM friends is a challenge I haven't yet undertaken! | ||
| 20 Jan 09, 7:02 AM alexandraa UK(NW), 8 yrs |
Something people commented on when I first met Colbeh, was I seemed suddenly so much calmer, that I had changed. Power exchange can be a very complex thing when you weave it into your life, its tendrils can reach deep. I have found it's given me a stability upon which has followed thoughtfulness & improved communication, not just with him but with everyone.... at least to some extent I hope.
Be careful what you wish for | ||
| 20 Jan 09, 8:15 AM Cinnamon_Tart UK(S), 8 yrs |
This is very true for me too, at least when in a healthy positive power exchange relationship. Being free to submit, and to enter a loving Ds relationship, has enabled me to be the real me. This meant an ebbing away of so much hurt, anger, frustration, and confused-ness(!).
This in turn made me a better friend, mother, and wife. Whether or not I'm a good submissive is probably up for debate. But yes, the stability it affords affects every single aspect of my life.
Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. - Richard Bach, Illusions | ||
| 20 Jan 09, 10:19 AM cinder UK(CR), 6 yrs |
A lot of what you have written here I can relate to. Five years down the line with The Boss I am calmer, my listening skills are far better, I no longer feel the need "to be right" and to win an argument (I too used to scream like a fishwife, throw plates around etc). We don't argue, never had one. Discuss yes, debate yes (we have completely different views on topics - he is far more on the right than I) but argue? No. I *think* I have come out of it a better person. The passion is still there but I hope it comes out in more positive ways. It has also made my non-Ds relationship calmer and less volatile. N x
| ||
| 20 Jan 09, 4:43 PM alexandraa UK(NW), 8 yrs |
It's a fabulous thing isn't it? Who would think a search for "rough" sex (which was where I came into this many years ago) could lead down such a path to personal fulfilment and development on so many fronts? xx Be careful what you wish for | ||
| 20 Jan 09, 4:44 PM alexandraa UK(NW), 8 yrs |
Awwwwww!! A lovely post thank you. How much do we love power exchange? Very much! xxx Be careful what you wish for | ||
| 20 Jan 09, 5:44 PM MissKimberley NL, 8 yrs |
I absolutely agree with you, I argue much, much less and communicate much better with my current partner than my ex-husband. It's down to a choice in terms of how you want to communicate. However, I do believe that living together 24-7 can and does create more small irritations that you encounter less when you spend significant amounts of time apart. "You say that my way of thinking cannot be tolerated? What of it? The man who alters his way of thinking to suit others is a fool. My way of thinking is the result of my reflections. It is part of my inner being, the way I am made." Marquis de Sade | ||
| 20 Jan 09, 8:08 PM alexandraa UK(NW), 8 yrs |
Absolutely, extended exposure to anyone can cause small things you loved about them, to become things you could kill them for. You still make a choice though in how to deal with that irritation, and I would say a well embedded framework on how commincation constructively flows, makes that choice a smooth and easy one. I think the responses above are from people who do live toegther too and of course as I said above, people who don't live togther can rend and tear each other quite happily..... I have to add, live apart I might well do, but I have far deeper and more regular quality communication with Colbeh, and on a daily basis, than I ever did with anyone I have lived with. I could easily go a week or more without talking properly to my ex husband or other ex partners. But in truth as someone else said above, Ds has brought me a peace that has changed the way I behave towards everyone and that has nothing to do with how long or short my time with Colbeh is, but rather how I have changed my behaviour under his guidance.
Be careful what you wish for |
