Seeing a dominatrix. (28)

This post is on the Pro-Mistresses etc web board.

15 Jan 09, 9:04 AM
sardax
UK, 4 yrs

It does seem a little hard on your boyfriend if he honestly admits to it, rather than it being discovered and presented to him. I give him credit for being truthful with you in a way that othe men might not be.
How did this admission come about?

15 Jan 09, 9:37 AM
verrine
UK(M), 16 mths
Maybe I'm reading your post wrongly, but was that the first time he'd been to see a professional? I think feeling betrayal is a natural response but think about it this way.
He told you. (although whether this is a selfish guilt relieving action or not could be debated) He's also had a fascination with being Dominated, which isn't always easy to admit.
If it was the first time for him then possibly, he wanted to see if his fantasy was something he'd actually like as a reality. If he wasn't actually into it the way he thought and he Had told you, then that's something he couldn't take back. He may have felt awkward with you afterwards, or wouldn't have known how you'd react. I know it's far fetched, but it's possible that your relationship could have ended over something that he wasn't even certain about.
So, he went to make sure, doing that without any emotional attachment. In a way he may have been thinking of you.
I know that I'd feel horribly betrayed and jealous if I was in your situation but I think I can sort of understand his actions. I think maybe going back to the same woman with him (for his birthday or something) might provide you with closure somehow. It's a one off, and instead of relying on your imagination you can See the interaction between the two of them. It won't be as bad as you think.
If it Wasn't the first time he's been Dominated though, I don't know how I'd react. I think cheating constitutes anything you wouldn't do with someone if your other half was there, and clearly at that point in your relationship he wouldn't have done what he did if you knew.
It doesn't matter that she's a professional, I doubt anyone here would excuse a man having sex with another woman because she was a professional prostitute!

16 Jan 09, 2:06 PM
MrBromley
UK(EN), 19 mths

Early in your relationship he may well have been scared that if he mentioned his desire to be submissive that you may have been horrified at his 'weirdness' and leave him and he did not feel ready to take that risk, while at the same time this was a need deep inside him that he had to deal with somehow. It wasn't that he wanted someone else as such.
No you relationship has had more time to develop I think that it is very positive that he now feels he can admit this to you.
I think that it is perfectly normal and reasonable that you are now querying the basis of your relationship. But remember that he wasn't having an affair, and, because you can now both enjoy BDSM together he has no reason to seek the services of a Professional Domme in the future.

16 Jan 09, 5:56 PM
annie79
UK, 23 mths
Hi Sardax, thankyou for your reply. The admission from him came about after he'd had a few too many glasses of wine. We'd previously had a play and nice heart to heart about how pleased we were that I really enjoyed what we were doing, then he told me, and no it wasnt only once when we were early in our relationship, he had been to see the same person previously to us getting together.

sardax wrote:
It does seem a little hard on your boyfriend if he honestly admits to it, rather than it being discovered and presented to him. I give him credit for being truthful with you in a way that othe men might not be.
How did this admission come about?

16 Jan 09, 11:21 PM
Sorceror
UK(HU), 7 yrs
Tricky. Many Pro-Dommes and some clients claim that what is going on isn't really sex but only a fanatical few would argue it isn't the same ballpark. For some kinks BDSM is something they can suppress for large amounts of their life. Given that, at a guess, for about 50% of women a typical "submissive" male would be an instant, total deal breaker you can probably understand, if not forgive, the desire to conceal one's deviance from an otherwise acceptable partner.
I'd take some heart from the fact that he told you rather than you discovering it. It shows a desire to be open on his part - influenced by wine or not.
You need to make some decisions. Do you still want a relationship with him ? What is the relationship going to be like ? Some couples are strictly monogamous, some couples here engage in various play with other people outside their main relationship, some are fully poly. What matters here is not what is "right", it is what is "right" for you.
If you do want the relationship, and you do want it monogamous, why not get him an ankle sized ID bracelet that you can keep padlocked in place with "Annie's Property" and your mobile number on it ? It both adds to your D/S dynamic and would be an active discouragement for him from straying whilst being, relatively, discreet.
S....x.
Edited 16 Jan 09, 11:22 PM by Sorceror

17 Jan 09, 12:36 PM
sardax
UK, 4 yrs

annie79 wrote:
Hi Sardax, thankyou for your reply. The admission from him came about after he'd had a few too many glasses of wine. We'd previously had a play and nice heart to heart about how pleased we were that I really enjoyed what we were doing, then he told me, and no it wasnt only once when we were early in our relationship, he had been to see the same person previously to us getting together.

sardax wrote:
It does seem a little hard on your boyfriend if he honestly admits to it, rather than it being discovered and presented to him. I give him credit for being truthful with you in a way that othe men might not be.
How did this admission come about?

As others have said , it's very unlikely he was having an emotional relationship with the pro-domme. So long as his heart is at home with you, I doubt you need to think on it too much.

17 Jan 09, 10:34 PM
subterranean
UK, 6 yrs

For me a relationship is about an shared intimacy, be it sexual or emotional. If I felt the need to go elsewhere, then that is cheating, the defence of it was only BDSM, makes no difference.

18 Jan 09, 3:16 PM
Lucky_Boy
3 yrs It is easy to see why you feel betrayed and cheated by him. You obviously felt bdsm was your little shared secret as a couple and when he told you about 'Her', it probably didnt feel so intimate when you guys played after.
what do you call an anorexic with thrush ? a quarter pounder with cheese


	©1997-2010 Informed Consent