Posted by hunny_Beez on Tue 23 Dec 08, 11:27 AM to hunny_Beez's blog.
Hive and I never had a fancy collaring ceremony. Hive told me that when I felt I was ready to wear his collar I was simply to ask for it. We had known each other about 6 months when, in the chat room where we had first met, with many of our friends, I asked Hive for his collar. That was it, it seemed appropriate that it was just a few sentences in the medium that had brought us together. It was also really cool as it came as one hell of a surprise to everyone, including Hive when I asked for it. Thankfully Hive had not changed his mind and agreed to take me on as His submissive.
A few months later Hive and I moved in together.
It was not a good time for many reasons, but our relationship was the one solid thing in our lives.
We wanted a collar for me to wear that would be an outward sign of our special relationship. It had to be something practical and that would fit in with my style. We did not want an “in your face” we are into BDSM, type of collar.
We did not rush into buying one. We spent many an afternoon looking around jewellers and craft shops and many evenings surfing the web. We saw many that would have been ok but we never found anything that was just right.
It was on a trip to Ireland about nine months after Hive had collared me that we found my collar. We weren't even looking at the time.
As soon as I tried it on it felt and looked just right. It's a plain silver band with a square buckle style fastening at the front.
It felt so right wearing it. At this point in my life I was filled with insecurities, I was fighting a great demon that had haunted me most of my life, agoraphobia and as I have already said it was not a good time in my life. The one solid thing was my relationship with Hive and his love and support for me.
My collar or as Hive liked to call it “that bit of tin” became my security blanket. I never left the house without it, in fact I took it off to sleep and bath but wore it pretty much the rest of the time. I only took it off for bed or play as I did not want to put it out of shape.
I was doing my degree at uni at the time and the bit of tin would be worn with pride. The only time I went out without Hive was to uni. It was one hell of a struggle back then just to walk out the door never mind to go to uni. I had many rituals and techniques that got me through the day but the one thing that helped beyond all others was my collar. If I felt a panic attack coming on, or if something changed my routine meaning that the agoraphobia screamed at me to run to my car and get the hell out of there I would run my finger along my collar. The physical presence of Hives love and support would calm me down. I would hear Hives voice in my head talking me through the situation and simply by rubbing “the bit of tin” I would calm myself down and be able to carry on.
It was not just agoraphobia that I was fighting against, I have always been desperately shy and at times when my self confidence is low my shyness can be debilitating.
My collar was not just something that I wanted to wear but something I had to wear. It was the bit of Hive that I had with me at all times. I found shopping and going to bars or restaurants very difficult back then, if I lost sight of Hive for just a few seconds I would feel the panic building up in me. My hand would touch my collar and I knew that Master would not be far away and would find me and rescue me from my demons. He always did.
On one trip to London for a munch. I had in a rush forgotten to put my collar back on after cleaning it. An hour into the four hour trip I suddenly realised I did not have “the bit of tin” around my neck. I let out a gasp and my hand went to my neck. I did not have to say anything Hive realised what I had done. As with everything this was no problem to Hive, to me it was a major catastrophe. How could I go to a pub in London and meet friends and chat to them for a few hours without my collar. I was just getting to the point were I was able to mix a little without being attached to Hive, without my collar I would have spent the whole day a gibbering wreck and not be able to move from Hives side.
Hive turned the car around and went back for my collar, turning the four hour journey into a six hour one, just so we could spend some time with our friends before he drove the four hours back home that evening. Hive knew just how important “that bit of tin” had become to me.
Over the years I have grown and its all thanks to Hive. His support, love and guidance has made me the person I am today. As I have changed so my relationship with my silver collar also has changed. I would take it off in the evenings and not put it on until I was leaving the house. Then it got to the stage where I would sometimes forget to wear it. Hive would sometime joke about me not having his bit of tin around my neck.
At this point in my life as my confidence and self esteem grew I started to question my submission. I was struggling with my strong dominant side. I don't know if this was the reason that my collar got worn less or if it was simply that I did not need that tangible symbol of Hive and my relationship but the collar was left unworn more and more often.
My collar became more like a favourite piece of jewellery. I would sometimes apologise to Master for forgetting to put it on. His reaction was normally “you don't need it so much these days”. When he first gave this as an answer I was struggling with knowing who I was and it felt like he was saying I no longer needed to be his submissive. However Hive never doubted at any point that I was not his submissive. He had told me from the very start that I was a switch. Then my head somehow got all sorted out and I accepted that I was a switch and that this did not make my commitment and submission to Hive any less. I could have a dominant side and this would not mean I was less of a submissive.
I started understanding that my collar was no longer my safety blanket and that was the reason I had stopped wearing it all the time.
And so over the years “the bit of tin” got worn less and less. It ended up in my jewellery drawer tarnished but never forgotten or unloved. Every time I took out a piece of jewellery to wear I would run my finger over the silver band that had helped me thought so much.
A week ago I took out “the bit of tin” and spent a lovely dreamy hour cleaning it. Thankfully silver comes back like new when cleaned properly and my collar shone like when it was first placed around my neck.
Then on Friday last when Hive and I were all dressed and ready to go to the registry office to be married he placed “the bit of tin” around my neck. There was no way we could have said our vanilla vows to each other without that symbol of our special relationship being present. As I looked deep into his eyes and gave my pledge of love to him I saw his eyes flick down to my collar and then back into my eyes.
I don't need the “bit of tin” around my neck any more. I don't need it to make me his submissive. I don't need it to show others I am owned. But if anyone ever tried to steal my “bit of tin” I would rip their hearts out and shove it up their bottoms.
After all these years “my bit of tin” still means the world to me, even if its going to tarnish once more in my jewellery drawer.
| 23 Dec 08, 11:49 AM scarlettsamm UK(BL), 6 yrs   |
the power of love eta- "Congratulations" may your marriage be as unique and dependable as your piece of tin xx and Lady Stardust sang her songs, of..... Edited 23 Dec 08, 11:51 AM by scarlettsamm |
| 23 Dec 08, 12:45 PM kate_uk UK(SP), 7 yrs |
What a beautiful blog hunny... i have always thought your relationship with Hive was special, truly special.
kate x |
| 23 Dec 08, 4:02 PM skyfox UK(EH), 5 yrs  |
Beautiful. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. |
| 23 Dec 08, 4:18 PM LittleSavage UK(GU), 5 yrs |
A beautiful blog.
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| 23 Dec 08, 4:42 PM xoangelox 8 yrs |
dreams always come true ..iam so pleased for you both hunny and was glad to be in fems when you first came in  |
| 23 Dec 08, 7:05 PM Sweetiejar UK(S), 11 yrs |
Its because the 'bit of tin' is in your head now. The tangible thing to touch has been replaced with the certain knowledge that this man loves you and will be there for you come what may. You are both very special people and I love you both very much even though I dont see you that often. xxxxxxxxxxxx Sweetiejar |
| 23 Dec 08, 7:09 PM Da_Pix UK, 6 yrs |
You make me smile inside. Yes - hello we're back - and we're taking calls Now what was the question? |
| 23 Dec 08, 7:37 PM fen_fatale UK(CB), 8 yrs |
Oooh that brought some tears to my eyes that did!
Many congratulations on your wedding, and what a fantastic inspirational relationship you both have!
x nuqDaq yuch Dapol? |
| 23 Dec 08, 7:38 PM RubyRouge UK(S), 4 yrs |
aww this brought a tear to my eye! thanks for sharing x "While the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there?" |
