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| Cagoulion |
on Sun 21 Dec 08, 12:42 AM to Cagoulion's blog.
I've got cancer..... are words you never want to hear from a loved one, any loved one. Many do and I've had to nurse someone through this dreadful disease before. I've known a lot of people who've had the illness. I've had it in the family in all it's horror. I've seen it take the young and old, draining all of those who had to cope with seeing the person they love depart by degrees. It hurts everyone coping from the person that's ill to sons and daughters, partners and parents.
I've spent the nights that never end and the days that sleep comes as a mercy to everyone. I've done it and my thoughts go out to anyone and everyone who has or is coping with the hell of those kind of days, of pain and drivers and drugs and delirium.
And I gave thanks for those great, unselfish people who made the unbearable more bearable, the fabulous McMillan nurses, Marie Curie and the dedication of the hospices and district nurses.
It's a hard thing to do once. Sometimes when I see somebody trying to cope with it I'll offer advice and help where I can. Sometimes it's just too hard to do that, something they are going through will trigger a bad memory and then I'm no use to them. It's about helping them and that can be hard to do at times if I can't keep a straight emotion free head.
Now I have to cope with the unknown once more. This time though, it's somebody important. Back when I was younger I had a long relationship, my first big relationship. It was passionate tempestuous and dramatic. She was the person that holds a bit of my heart always. The person that made me a lot of the person I am today, knew how to push all the buttons and was the first person that gave to me more than I gave them. She loved me and sacrificed so much for me but I didn't really have the maturity to appreciate her as I should.
All of this is ancient history now and we lived to tell the tale somehow or so you would think. We parted many years ago and for a long time we were estranged. She was never a BDSM person and so I think there was an inevitability of our parting, but we did meet much later and if she was bitter then she never really showed it and we are friends again. Not lovers any more, but not enemies either.
Now she has cancer. Now it's different that someone has cancer. This is a lover I chose. Someone I loved every part of, someone very special not just to me but to everyone. One of the good people. One of the special people. And she is going to die this special person. All I can do is the little I can, but I know that emotionally this is much harder. I've had to say goodbye to a special friend recently, another one of the good people and that was a hard day. I know at this time someone else anxiously waiting in hospital for the end of a tragically young life and finding it hard to cope with too. It all takes a toll.
So I don't feel very Christmassy. In fact I could go quite mad and tear the tree in the town square down while screaming about the unfairness of it all. I won't of course but I may blow up my copy of “Now that's what I call Christmas” in the microwave.
The anger won't do any good. Being a friend is the best I can do. And it is so little, so insignificant at this time. I'm letting her down. I could protect her from most things way back then. But not this and that makes me so sad deep down inside.
I hope this isn't too upsetting for my friends to read. I use my weblogs for my personal thoughts sometimes and I can't say this is a happy time. I'll see ya all in 2009 when things are a new opportunity for us all. I am lucky I have domino to help me through at this time too with her kindness and evenness which I shall need in the days to come.
| 21 Dec 08, 1:28 AM amarya UK(EH), 9 yrs |
hugs to You
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| 21 Dec 08, 1:46 AM switch_bitch UK(G), 7 yrs |
what a heartfelt weblog....and i am positive so many will relate to....all i can say is, being there, being a good friend and doing what ever you can, is about all anyone can ask....it is a hard thing to deal with, but from what you have written, then i believe you will and are doing the right thing!  I,m a blonde bulimic.....i forget to make myself sick |
| 21 Dec 08, 8:34 AM Jons_Amaranth UK(WS), 11 yrs |
I can't think of any suitable words. My thoughts are with you.
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| 21 Dec 08, 8:46 AM misstressclare UK(TA), 4 yrs £ |
I lost a partner both nilla sub to cancer two years ago Yes your right i thank all those wodnerfull people who helped. The nights were long but by god the days longer, waitting was all i could do and try and make life as best as I could. Your past lover will have memorys good and bad of your time, you gave her that dont forgett and you made part of her life full. Now well a friend maybe is all that can be offered or a well wisher. The one thing I think is my partner loved my spirit my laugh and my joy in life, for him my world still spins and though I never forget him I now live life for him. He loved me being his mistress he adored being my sub, my lover and friend. The fact I am healthy maybe not wealthy but so much richer for having had him in my life. I plan to spend what time I have enjoying life, not to much moaning about bills kids rights and ronges of life. To find I hope someone to share it with if not, to meet wonderfull people along the way. Celebratting the fact I had someone in my life that I will never forget, since then I have lost another dear firend to the dreaded C and a best friend has MS, to me I am thankfull my world still turns and my children laugh and I see my subs and can whip and laugh drink wine smile and cry One day it all stops and I want every moment of it to last as bloody long as it can.
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| 21 Dec 08, 10:31 AM Janie_0 UK(G), 8 yrs |
hugs to you, you're strength will be amazing i'm sure, take it easy xx How long does it take? |
| 21 Dec 08, 10:57 AM goodghirl UK, 8 yrs |
Thinking of you x |
| 21 Dec 08, 3:20 PM Saltire28 UK(DD), 7 yrs |
Hey mate you know we dont see as much of each other as we used to when dad was alive but I'm here if you need an ear Better to risk living as Myself than be divided pretending to be like everyone else |
| 21 Dec 08, 5:11 PM mini_velvet UK(EH), 6 yrs |
My thoughts are with you and wishing you the strength you need x No colours or shapes |
| 21 Dec 08, 7:46 PM cuddlybeth UK, 6 yrs |
my thoughts are with you at this time if ever you want to talk you know where I am |
| 22 Dec 08, 1:49 PM blonde UK(LS), 8 yrs |
Big hugs, wish you were closer so they could be given personally. xxx |
