MichaelCane's profile . MichaelCane's homepage
 |
| MichaelCane |
on Tue 25 Nov 08, 7:11 PM to MichaelCane's blog.
The Van
Well……. The very first thing I said to him was:
“Er Bill……… I really need to get some petrol!”
He had a balaclava on, but I tell from his eyes the evil look that he gave me.
“You must be fuckin joking!” I'm sure he muttered to himself
“OOPS!”
What with my cock up by shouting to him about the doggers, I was clearly trying hard to completely FUCK IT ALL UP!! Hahahahahahaha
Still….. you gotta larf eh?
I sped down the country path and eventually turned on my lights, so I could see where the hell I was going.
We must have passed at least 20 fuckin petrol stations so far tonight! (Maybe an exaggeration!)
How does that work??
Usually, when you're desperate for fuel you can't bloody well find a garage, but tonight they're all being fuckin flaunted in my face!
I couldn't very well just pull into one! I was struggling to keep up with the van as it was!! Jeez I am such a shite driver!!! Lol
Eventually we pulled off the M40 into the services. The van pulled right over to one side of the forecourt and I thankfully filled up with cheap unleaded.
“Phew!.... That coulda been fun if I'd had to call out the AA” I squirmed as I thought.
Although…… “Hurry up mate, I'm in the middle of a kidnapping and broke down during the Getaway!” woulda been hilarious!!! hahahahaha
Bill climbed out of the car and as he walked to me he took off his balaclava.
Personally, I think, for a laugh, he shoulda kept it on!
“How's she doing?” I asked
“Alright, I think. She certainly seems calm enough. Poor old Ben has been doing all the hard work though. He was laying all over her when we first grabbed her and he tied her up, which can't have been easy. And now she's been laying in his arms since we got back in the van and he's been making sure she doesn't struggle or get away”
I had visions of a half naked, skull-cap-blindfolded woman jumping out the back of the van and running around with a bulging pair of knickers (the stockings remember?) and her coat half way down her back with Ben chasing her, and it all looking like some sort of Tranvestite Benny Hill sketch!
Fortunately, that didn't happen.
“Well….. let's get a sandwich, and maybe some chocolate and a drink for Mandy”
“Good idea”
Before the food though, I needed a wee
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm It can be a real pleasure eh?
We'd already discussed what we'd do if Mandy needed to go to the loo. But we'd have to cross that bridge when we came to it!
Personally, I'm not into watersports, but I would have taken great delight in either making her piss herself or taking her to a quiet spot in the woods pulling her knickers to one side and making her squat!
Although on that particular night there woulda been a big cloud of steam as her wee had hit the cold night air!!
Any passing Native Americans might have gotten very confused with the pissy smoke signal she was producing!
I wonder what it would have said!!
"HELP! I AM BEING KIDNAPPED" probably!!
That woulda been just my luck!! LOL
Anyway, as a pal of Bill's had agreed we could use his van (we had to change the van at the last minute from a transit) we thought it probably wasn't a good idea to let her pee herself. For a start, poor old Ben woulda been laying in it too (which would have been funny I guess), but also I don't like the smell of wee!
Do you?..........
It was a chilled 5 minutes choosing the sandwich. Hmmmmm I think I'll have this Mexican fajita thingy with sour cream. Lovely!!!
Diet coke and some peanut M&Ms too methinks.
Believe it or not, a coupla days earlier I went to Burger King (It's so much tastier than Ronny Mac's, don't you think?) and pinched a couple of straws so that Mandy could have a drink!
See? That was planned!! I am quite thoughtful!! That part had been thought through!! LOL
We had agreed to park my car in the travellodge car park and come back for it later.
The idea was that I could help out with keeping Mandy all safe and secure and maybe squeeze her tits every so often, you know……. just for a laugh!
I parked up. Then grabbed her handbag from the front and spotted her sexy High-Heel shoes! Why couldn't she have kept em on!? It woulda been soooo much sexier if she had!!! LOL
The back door of the van was locked so I had to go in through the side door.
Now anyone who knows me at all, will know that I like to wear shorts.
I wear them a lot!
I slide the side door open and see Ben leaning back against the passenger's seat and Mandy laying back between his legs and her head resting on his chest. He was holding her by wrapping both arms around her body. They were having a lovely cuddle and appeared to be holding hands!
This was a little confusing to me. She looked really happy and contented!
I climbed in and threw my stuff to the other side of the van.
Fuck Me!! It was a tight old squeeze getting in and climbing over them both!
“Why were they right next to the bloody door??” I thought
It was a right old palaver getting in and not bashing either of them with me big old plates of meat!! Climbing over both of them was a right fucking fuck!!!!!
I find as I get older, just getting up means I produce an audible noise that's somethink like “Eeeeaaaarrrggggghhhh”.
I have recently caught myself doing it!!!
It's the same when I sit down too!!! LOL
It's definitely an age thing!!!
So…… climbing over these two and not being able to make a sound, let alone the “Eeeeaaaarrrggggghhhh” I was desperately trying to suppress made it a real effort!
I soon realised why I had to climb over them!
There were two plastic garden chairs in the back of the van!
Now this wasn't the transit we had originally planned to have but a tiny little fucker with no room to swing me knob!! Let along a cat!!
I planted myself on the chair nearest the back door.
The engine fired up and drove away slowly.
I was hungry so I got my Mexican re-fried beany fajita thing out and as I was just about to bite into it……
Bill screeched off and the chair tipped over.
My face was forced against the back door. If the doors hadn't been closed I woulda ended up in a heap on the carpark. It could've been worse!! Mandy might have shot out too and landed right on top of me!! LOL
Then………. As I regained my balance, my bare leg brushed her bare leg!!!!!!
“BOLLOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
All along I had been thinking to myself
“She knows it's us. She must do! The face slapping, my stupid talking out loud in a normal voice to Bill, a couple of other things!!!! And NOW THIS!!!!!!
My bare, hairy old leg touching her lovely soft un-stockinged leg!!!!!
“She definitely knows it's us! She must do!!”
To me it was obvious!
Yet, she seemed so peaceful! She might as well have been havin a little snooze as far as I was concerned.
“If she fuckin starts snoring again!!!!!!!............” LOL
Bill continued to drive at break neck speed.
He had been doing it all along.
I didn't mind when I was following, but now I was being thrown around in the back of this poxxy van trying not to fall on Mandy and rub legs!
All this.... and I am trying to eat my food, which has been splattered all over my top!
BOLLOX!!
The drive between the snatch and the first dogging spot must have been at least ½ an hour. The drive to the petrol station was another 20 minutes at least! The journey we were on was another 45minutes!! This was the worst 45 minutes I have spent in a vehicle.... EVER!!
I was cramped up. I couldn't stretch my legs or I'd be rubbing up against Mandy who was having a fuckin kip! I had food all down my front! And to make matters worse….
I couldn't even cough!!!!
On Monday, before the BBB I went to see the Doctor as I had developed a really nasty, chesty, tickly, throaty cough! My head was hurting, my glands were swollen (OH MATRON!), I was sniffing and snotting and I felt like Keith Richards warmed up!
Luckily, by the time Mandy arrived at mine on Saturday, all that remained was the tickly throat and my snotty sniffing. The only reason I still had a headache was because of the cough!
If I coughed it made my head hurt and if I did cough it would make me cough more and more, so it was a self perpetuating cycle!
If I didn't cough at all, my head felt better.
But if I laughed, I coughed my bleedin guts up!
I like to laugh and I laugh quite a lot and as a result I knew that Mandy knew I would definaitley cough at some point!
As a result….. I knew that I mustn't cough at all, otherwise she would 100% know it was me sitting next to her and all illusion would be totally shattered.
I was convinced she was laying there all chillaxed! In fact, it wouldn't have surprised me if she had starting humming a little tune to herself coz she was in such a happy place! That's how convinced I was that we had been rumbled!!
Despite this I didn't cough!!! I COULDN'T!!!!
It would have been a dead give away.
It was absolute agony not being able to clear my throat.
And what made it worse?? I couldn't sniff either! It would also give the game away!
So, she's sleeping….. all cuddled up and cozy and dreamy……. And I am trying to stop myself being thrown about the back of the fuckin van.... and I have snot dripping out me nose and down my chin, all over the front of my shirt and I am wiping my hooter constantly on my sleeves and I can't even cough or clear my throat!
It was Murder!
And all I was thinking was let me out I NEED to cough!!
“FUCKIN HURRY UP!” LOL
Even though the faster he went, the worse it became as it meant I was being chucked all over the place!!!
What a complete fuck of a journey that was!!!
Then we looked at each in complete surprise because....
Her phone rang………………………………
Edited Tue 25 Nov 08, 7:13 PM by MichaelCane
