Realizing life's priorities (0)

Cortina's profile . Cortina's homepage

Cortina
Posted by Cortina on Sun 19 Oct 08, 11:18 PM

Tags: Liverpool (L)

Tonight, I had one of the worst feelings I have had since the death of my father. The deepest feeling of dread, fear, despair and helplessness.

It all started from an innocent MSN conversation with my cousin, which lead to both of us realizing we hadn't spoken to my mother since Thursday. Seeing as I live in another country from here, all I could do was to sit home, while my cousin decided to drive to her house to see she was OK.

The 15 minutes that it takes to drive there passed. Then another 15. Then another 15. Nothing. No message. No phone call. My mothers phone still not answering. And I sat here, overtaken by a feeling of dread. I was thinking of the worst case scenario, wondering how I can sort eveything out from here, how can I get flights, what will happen with finding a new job, how can I pay my bills if I have to leave.. every possible thing went through my mind in those minutes. I kept looking at my phone - nothing. Nothing on messenger. There is a site that shown the emergency services calls in the country - kept cheking that. No police or ambulance called in to the village. Good. Or maybe a sign that nothing could be done, anymore.

I had two people keeping me 'virtual company', who I won't name - they know who their are. Keeping me sane and keeping the conversation 'light' enough to alleviate my fear. And a damned good job they did too. One of them already seen me through the darkest days when I lost a parent.

But ultimately, with these dark fears, you are alone. No-one can understand how it feels to hope for the best but fear the worst.

Two hours later I open my Facebook, and see a message from my other cousin, the brother of the one who jumped in the car and went to my childhood home. It simply said 'my sis only had your old number - all's OK, your mum's just lost her phone'. And I promply burst into semi-hysterical tears of relief.

In the army they taught us that the one thing that can motivate people to kill and fight is the need to protect their loved ones. I remember that day in training well, when my lieutenant said to us 'imagine someone wanting to invade the country to kill your family'. Even the meekest, most unpatriotic man found the killer in themselves that day, the person who would fight to save the people they loved. The one who would destroy lives to protect their own, but who would also give their own for the same reason. Nothing to do with honour, and country - everything to do with love.

Tonight was sobering for me. As I have previously written, I have decided to move away from a career I thought I'd wanted, to find a new career, to jump into uncertainty with no real guiding light. And I have stressed over it, cried so many tears over it, grieving the childhood dream that proved to be wrong for me. The past few weeks have been filled with despair, fear and anticipation about work. Uncertainty. Choices.Chaos. Unexplicable feelings where I simultaneously hate this place but do not want to leave. New opportunities.

But after today, I realize that it is not important for me. Work is work. One day, I will have a career in something I enjoy doing and I will look at my past and thing 'what a bloody ride THAT was' . But it will not define me.

Family, friends, loved ones. The people around you, is what matters, no matter how far away they are. Those who have passed away that you still carry in your heart.

The ones who roll their eyes at your stupid ideas, understand when you have to go through them and who will pick up the pieces when you've tried and say 'it wasn't for you, but you tried and now you have that experience which no-one can take away from you'. Help you when you need help, but know how to back down if needed.

Everything else pales into insignificance.


	©1997-2009 Informed Consent