Changes (11)

This post is on the D/s Relationships web board.

Wed 15 Oct 08, 4:45 PM
djin_bleu
UK(NW), 22 mths
Predominantly for those in a D/s relationship although everyones experiences are welcome.
My question for you all is since you have been in a D/s setting for a period of time has it changed your perception, personality & character for better or worse?
I would expect any form of relationship to have some sort of impact upon someones everyday life, some people bring out the best/worst in us and so why should D/s be any different, infact it has the capacity to reach deeper than most interactions i believe.
Are you more patient, able to achieve goals, a better listener, lover, perhaps able to perform tasks that in other surroundings are incredibly difficult, increased your confidence, maybe you can temper your behaviour better (like me!) or has it made you more insecure, irrational, promiscuous and humiliated you?
Please put down how you think your D/s journey has affected you thus far.

*She who rides the Demon is afraid to dismount* ~* A hopeless dreamer she said, eyes of cloud and feet of lead *~ ~** NO i'm not O ~fucking~ K!! **~

15 Oct 08, 7:35 PM
TheTroll
6 mths
I had one D/s relationship which wasn't 'helpfull' in terms of my life in general, however I think that was more to do with the way I was when I first entered that relationship and my reasons for doing so than the actual relationship itself.

15 Oct 08, 7:42 PM
ropeburn
BE, 7 yrs

djin_bleu wrote:
I would expect any form of relationship to have some sort of impact upon someones everyday life, some people bring out the best/worst in us and so why should D/s be any different, infact it has the capacity to reach deeper than most interactions i believe.
I disagree with this point as a matter of first principle. It's akin to saying my love is better than your love, my happy is happier than yours, in my opinion. I don't think it is ever healthy to make such assumptions about any type of relationship.

15 Oct 08, 7:45 PM
CarrieLove
UK(S), 5 mths I can imagine that it could enable someone to become a 'better' person if it makes them happier.

15 Oct 08, 7:56 PM
substrate66
UK(M), 5 mths

djin_bleu wrote:
Please put down how you think your D/s journey has affected you thus far.

It's paradoxical (being a sub) but meeting to and talking to people in the lifestyle has made me more confident and outgoing because I can be myself and express things that closest friends and family wouldn't even begin to understand.
I have been a nervous wreck on vanilla dates in the past but feel a Quixotic calm meeting a Domme for the first time.
Moderation in all things, including moderation

15 Oct 08, 8:00 PM
Snowpard
UK(LE), 10 mths
There are many things this has done for me, so I'll only go over a couple of points.
Overall, it has changed me for the better.
It has increased my confidence to some extent, helped me to perform tasks which would otherwise be near impossible, and it has helped me to feel secure, to have someone looking after me and trying to push the boundaries slightly so that I become more capable.
I have various illnesses and there are some important day-to-day things that I normally couldn't do if I didn't have my dom with me and helping me to do things for myself. Normally I couldn't go into a shop and buy something because even talking to the cashier was too much, but with his encouragement I can now do this on good days.
The trust it has built has also helped me to stop feeling completely isolated. I can't eat in front of other people due to phobia, but because he has built my trust and that I trust him not to look at me while I'm eating, I can actually eat with someone now because I know he won't look at me.
Normally I wouldn't answer the phone and I still don't phone people, (yes another phobia) but when someone calls he makes me answer it! If I didn't have him to do that, then I'd probably only even be emailing family and never hearing thier voices.
I don't want to go too far into it because alot of it is medically personal but yes, in a nutshell, not only does it help me, it's made me ever so slightly better as well.
Thread are like skirts. They should be long enough to cover the interesting details, but short enough to keep things interesting.
Beautiful gothic/victorian style rings: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5234429
Edited 15 Oct 08, 8:01 PM by Snowpard

15 Oct 08, 8:24 PM
Zoebabes
UK(DA), 2 yrs
Y!
Having been in a BDSM based relationsion for just short of 10 years ive noticed many changes in myself over the years...the main ones being ive become far more realistic in my sense of what is possible and have cynical in my approach to people ive come across in the lifestyle.
What starts out as with all relationshisp as a whirlwind of lust evolves in to something far deeper more binding, brought about by many tests along the ways. The fantasy becomes reality in a sense, but combining it with an everyday agenda ive learnt is never easy.
It's changed me in one particular way,,i now know im not sub...i doubt i ever have been in the tradtional sense outside the dungeons in a scene..i don't rush to or embrace that the idea of doing the chores...thats just it they are chores to be done no more.. but i do do them becasue i adore my mistress/wife. I cant shrug that of.i cant walk away im a slave to my lust for her and i find myself giving way again and again..to make her happier.
Yes a D/S lifestlye has made me stronger as i belong to her..while my head screams F*** you..my heart pulls me back. I doubt i'd have that in any vanilla relationship.

15 Oct 08, 9:57 PM
djin_bleu
UK(NW), 22 mths

Zoebabes wrote:
Having been in a BDSM based relationsion for just short of 10 years ive noticed many changes in myself over the years...the main ones being ive become far more realistic in my sense of what is possible and have cynical in my approach to people ive come across in the lifestyle.
What starts out as with all relationshisp as a whirlwind of lust evolves in to something far deeper more binding, brought about by many tests along the ways. The fantasy becomes reality in a sense, but combining it with an everyday agenda ive learnt is never easy.
It's changed me in one particular way,,i now know im not sub...i doubt i ever have been in the tradtional sense outside the dungeons in a scene..i don't rush to or embrace that the idea of doing the chores...thats just it they are chores to be done no more.. but i do do them becasue i adore my mistress/wife. I cant shrug that of.i cant walk away im a slave to my lust for her and i find myself giving way again and again..to make her happier.
Yes a D/S lifestlye has made me stronger as i belong to her..while my head screams F*** you..my heart pulls me back. I doubt i'd have that in any vanilla relationship.

I'm with you 100% on this view, it's deffo the same for me, i also agree with the other posters for my own experiences.
I've always been cynical of relationships anyway and been very wary of playing pointless mating games, confusing lust for love and such like and then wasting precious lifeforce on the merry-go-round of silly escapades but in a D/s relationship it all seemed to click into place, we agreed certain rules cos we both wanted to, it was great fun to explore our roles and evolve them as time went on and threw different obstacles at us both. In short, the D/s life suits how i am as opposed to purely vanilla.
With me it was vital that i met a mature adult for a change, i tended not to take many people very serious as far as domination was concerned, maybe it was because they had read that you need to be uber and were not allowed to laugh when things were just funny, couldn't just be themselves and so it was a breath of fresh air when i met who i did.
I would say i've become alot more patient, humble, accepting and structured to a degree as a result of this time i've spent as her sub.
I have learnt that for me i have to detach submission from feelings that may occur as a result, it does work for some but not for me, i need my identity as a sub to remain focused and this helps me know my place.
Being pretty much a loner i suffer terribly from motivational problems and so this relationship has helped 100%, with the right application of guidance i can become sufficiently concentrated on what needs doing, at times i get difficult but i usually have a think and can get back on track fast.

*She who rides the Demon is afraid to dismount* ~* A hopeless dreamer she said, eyes of cloud and feet of lead *~ ~** NO i'm not O ~fucking~ K!! **~

15 Oct 08, 9:58 PM
Count_Olaf
UK, 8 mths

I haven't known about what I felt until recently. That said, the Little-One and I have are now at the beginning of our journey. There are lots of things I have had to consider, but I'll keep this brief.
I know a Dom needs to be, well, dominant for a start. This seems to tie in with my own basic needs. The trouble is, with a strong willed mother and two older sisters; I've had it drummed in to me that that simply isn't how the 'perfect guy' behaves. I also have societies view of the 'modern man' to contend with, when I have always seen myself as something a bit more medieval. This probably makes me a fantasist, but there you are.
Having been, in a previous life, both a leading stage actor (only semi pro) and a pub manager, I was once very confident. Through a variety of experiences over the past decade or so, this confidence has been eradicated. I also have 2 children, so finances are also very tight.
I also used to play a lot of Rugby, but the muscle has all been eroded now.
So, I began my journey as shy and insecure, practically a feminist, and physically pretty average. Not really ideal for a Dom!
Having met a few people on here, and taking part on the boards, as well as a conscious decision to change for 'her', my confidence is returning quickly, in the main.
I recently started attending the local gym, and will get my body sorted. I have cut back my drinking and stopped smoking. I will be in control.
Finances continue to be a problem, and now there's so much more to spend my money on.
The biggest negative, though, comes from the learnt insecurities. Having felt 'unworthy' of anyone's attention for so long (there's better looking, more intelligent etc) I now also have to contend with the insecurity of lacking knowledge, and comparing the attitude of other Doms.
We all like to be with someone who can impress us, especially if they're a Dom. But there's so much more to compare now other than just looks and wit.

16 Oct 08, 8:12 PM
Red_Spark
UK, 2 yrs

djin_bleu wrote:
My question for you all is since you have been in a D/s setting for a period of time has it changed your perception, personality & character for better or worse?
I think other people would be better able to answer that than I would...! I don't always see these things about myself. On reflection, if it has changed me at all I would say it has changed me in the following ways:
I'm more expressive of my emotions. After not having cried for around second best I now cry loads! (lol, not saying that's necessarily a good thing but honestly! good to have an outlet for stress sometimes ne?!) And I'm more affectionate in the physical sense too. My feelings are still just as sadistic, but I guess I have a broader range of expression now. As a result (I think), I don't come off as arrogant and offputting (or as scary!) to strangers any more.
I'm more practical and less creative. More of a perfectionist on technical things. More career-focused. Better at prioritising.
I *hope* I'm less selfish.
I'm less confident - which maybe sounds odd at first, but I know exactly where I am; it's that dip where you've just realised where you've been going wrong but haven't yet sorted it out (if anyone has done a course on Presentation Skills you'll know what I mean, where they get you to do 3 presentations during 2 days and the middle one is always worse than the other two!)
"Be quiet and come with me. I won't betray you."

16 Oct 08, 9:20 PM
littlenic
UK(KT), 2 yrs

djin_bleu wrote:
Please put down how you think your D/s journey has affected you thus far.

I'm eating better.
(Bloody vegetarians.)
Mind, tonight I had a Pot Noodle followed by a Gu Bannoffee pot. So I shall rephrase that and say "On the whole, I am eating better."
I don't think that's anything to do with D/s though, just, you know, good influences and examples. D/s wise - I'm not sure I'm in need of all that "building confidence, making me a better person" stuff. I'm already pretty confident and quite nice.
Of course, other people may have a different opinion on that!

Goodness...

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