Boyfriend into BDSM, Me not. Advice needed! (79)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

Sun 12 Oct 08, 4:52 PM
Miss_Innocence
UK(EH), 3 mths I met my current boyfriend about 6 months ago, and am generally very happy. The trouble is is before he met me he was into BDSM and I have never been and never will be. He tells me he's very happy with our sex life - it's wild and adventurous and does involve a lot of fantasy and sometimes kinky stuff. My big fear is though that because the BDSM side of him is not getting satisfied it is going to come out eventually, perhaps in a number of years when we are married with children etc (We have talked a lot about this and he is very keen)and it is going to cause problems. My question is, is BDSM "in" people, or is it something you can dip in and out of as you like? Further info is that he has been into this for about 6 years and told me that before he met me he was "fascinated" with this stuff.
Please help me, I don't know if we should continue, and it keeps going round in my head and is causing me a lot of stress.
Thank you.

12 Oct 08, 5:05 PM
Taintedinnocence
UK, 3 yrs

I think it varies from person to person. For a lot of people it is a fundimental part of them which will always be there, and they will always crave. For others, its just a bit of fun. Depends on the individual.
Oh, and never say never

12 Oct 08, 5:06 PM
Lady_Lucan
UK(L), 15 mths
Er, mightn't the having kids thing be a tad tricky since you are both male???
It's just like the Sixties. Except there's less hope.

12 Oct 08, 5:07 PM
bunuel
UK(G), 17 mths

Lady_Lucan wrote:
Er, mightn't the having kids thing be a tad tricky since you are both male???
Yeah was going to point that out. presumably just a slip-up in the creation of the profile.
What the daylight scorns, the night embraces

12 Oct 08, 5:11 PM
Miss_Innocence
UK(EH), 3 mths Yip, a slip up in the creation profile. I am most def female!

12 Oct 08, 5:12 PM
MasterCyn
UK(CH), 2 yrs
Y!
If he says he's happy an you belive him, thats cool. Maybe Love can overcome. I reckon this stuff can be dummed down, maybe he can dumb it down to however kinky you get in the bedroom an that'll be enough. Makes sense in my head.
Its all fun and games until somebody looses a bollock.
Edited 13 Oct 08, 2:39 AM by MasterCyn

12 Oct 08, 5:13 PM
Lady_Lucan
UK(L), 15 mths
I see a number of married clients who reckon they can dip into BDSM as and when they like. Personally I wouldn't be happy with that level of engagement, but that's just me.
It's just like the Sixties. Except there's less hope.

12 Oct 08, 5:13 PM
Pantagruel
UK(NW), 23 mths

Miss_Innocence wrote:
My question is, is BDSM "in" people, or is it something you can dip in and out of as you like? Further info is that he has been into this for about 6 years and told me that before he met me he was "fascinated" with this stuff.
That question is one that only he can answer. Which is where trust and honesty come in.
Personally, if he's "fascinated" with it, I presume it'll only be a question of time before the itch blooms into a full-on infection, regularly needing to be doused in kinky creams : )
Plus, even I could uphold a non-kink relationship for six months, and wring lots of awesomeness out of it. But I now know that it's a dishonest, ill-fated origin point, for me.
But, I can't cast any aspersions on the two of you - this is just my experience. What you have to do is this: WAIT! If you like each other enough to be talking about kids and marriage and whatnot, you don't need a Y/N answer right now about whether he's just a toe-dipper or a closet maniac. The two of you, just be honest and upfront, about what you both want and need, and things will ravel as they should.

12 Oct 08, 5:19 PM
Just_Star
7 mths
On the biggest side of the coin, I feel you're "born" into it.
I know someone who is into a particular thing and when asked how did you know, when did you know? It was at a very early age...like under 5. I know another who is into feet...he said he knew this at 3 years old. I knew I liked girls and boys from about 7 years old. One of my friends was like 3 and she fantasized about Batman spanking her. I, myself, was about 4 when I knew spanking was a "thing" for me.
But, thenon the other side of the coin...there's people like yourself who say you're not into it at all...and once you try it, you might like it...you might not.
I can only say, be fair. He's been fair in doing the Vanilla stuff with you...at least TRY some BDSM stuff with him. No one will ever know except the two of you ....and if you don't like it, your relationship sounds grounded enough to where you would not have to do it again. But!!! You must TRY, at least, to have a say.
I've known about BDSM for a long time within myself. My husband wanted to do this "other thing" with me that I'd never really heard of. I gave it a whirl and I do, indeed, LOVE IT!!! So at least try.
Just my opinion, of course.
star xxx
http://www.mistresspagan.com/

12 Oct 08, 5:26 PM
tymeup
UK(NR), 9 yrs

Miss_Innocence wrote:
Boyfriend into BDSM, Me not. Advice needed!
I met my current boyfriend about 6 months ago, and am generally very happy. The trouble is is before he met me he was into BDSM and I have never been and never will be. He tells me he's very happy with our sex life - it's wild and adventurous and does involve a lot of fantasy and sometimes kinky stuff. My big fear is though that because the BDSM side of him is not getting satisfied it is going to come out eventually, perhaps in a number of years when we are married with children etc (We have talked a lot about this and he is very keen)and it is going to cause problems. My question is, is BDSM "in" people, or is it something you can dip in and out of as you like? Further info is that he has been into this for about 6 years and told me that before he met me he was "fascinated" with this stuff.
Please help me, I don't know if we should continue, and it keeps going round in my head and is causing me a lot of stress.
Thank you.
I think that it is possible for a lot of people to be interested in bdsm and still have vanilla relationships which is something I have done in the past. My itches were never quite satisfied but then again how many people are totally satisfied anyway? IMO, relationships always involve compromises on both sides.

Why be religious when you can worship a Goddess for real.

12 Oct 08, 5:34 PM
Miss_Innocence
UK(EH), 3 mths Thanks for your reply. The question is not whether I want to try it, but whether he is hapy without it. I think your first paragraph helped me with that one. As regards "trying it", I am pretty sexual but I know I am not turned on by what I see on these pages. Not that I have anything against it. It's just that bit too hard for me. But thanks for your advice anyway.

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