Posted by janiya
on Sun 14 Sep 08, 8:59 AM to janiya's blog.
I have never really planned my life that much... things just kinda happen but those decisions i have made have been impulsive. I 'fell' into my first job at the local chippy when i was 14 and when i flunked my A levels it became half decent employment as i managed the place till i was 21. I then bought a house and changed jobs within a few weeks. I made up my mind about the house within 5 seconds and as it was an inheritance property things moved very quickly and smoothly.
I got engaged for the first time and carried on working at a supermarket. After 5/6 years i got a bit twitchy and thought there has got to be something more for me to do. I had my home, a partner, a steady job but i was bored. Along came the internet, then Thomas, then 'f*ck!' - i have a hell of a choice to make. I got through Uni, broke-up, bought partner out, got Thomas to move over and started again.
We spent the next seven years we explored the BDSM 'scene' in the UK. We made some great friends. The D/s between myself and Thomas was organic. To be honest i didn't know what was going on in some respects. It was my first D/s relationship and my knowledge and experience was minimal when we first met.
I had no idea at the beginning how important the dynamic would become to me. If i had, i think i might have run away! Thomas rarely gave my answers to me questions, simply told me to think about because i could work the answers out for myself. Today i know a bit more and have experienced a hell of a lot more and in a way that is scarier. I know what i want out of a D/s dynamic... i know where it can take me... i know how it can make me feel. In a way, i wish i didn't know... i almost want that naivity again... and the more i think about it, perhaps i'm using my past experience as a stumbling block rather than something that can support me.
I am making the choice to stay here and i honestly believe that, that is the hardest choice for me, at least in the short-term. It is not doing nothing, i have actively made that choice. I just wish that i could remove some of the complex layers of my personality that have developed in recent years. I feel like a bud that is tightly closed... afraid to open because there is a sanctuary and familarity in remaining so. Opening up would mean revealing exactly who i am, yet it is the only chance i have to bloom.
Edited Sun 14 Sep 08, 9:01 AM by janiya
