Posted by Mistress_Maurela on Tue 29 Jul 08, 11:18 PM to Mistress_Maurela's blog.
I have been having a tough time for the last year or so and have been trying to make things easier but have failed. Yesterday a friend said that instead of trying to get a new life I should just try and make the best of what I have.
How can I make the best of nothing?
My health has not been great although I try not to let it effect my life it does, when I cancel things or make excuses to leave early its because I am not feeling great so need to get home. Understand that I am not being unsocialble I just don't want to say hey I am not well again!
Work is a struggle, I recently started a new job and it is taking every bit of strengh I have to get me through the night, I have nothing left when I get home and my house is now falling into a sorry state because I have no energy. I have always been proud of my home and enjoyed it now its just somewhere to sleep.
My family are not the most supportive, I am there to deal with there constant requests for help for one thing or another but when it comes to them helping me when I really need it then they don't have the time. I have always felt alone in life and the scene gave me a family I had dreamed of.
The scene is something that I fell in love with a long time ago and it has been the only thing that I have never doubted in my life. My pro Domme work was not going great but it was still something I enjoyed when I had the chance. Due to the small minds of people around me this path of my life was stopped. I have met some amazing people on the scene who have made me feel normal.
Debts are something that I deal with on a daily basis and have realised that you can't get blood out of a stone so try not to stress out too much about it. I am an expert at juggling money and sometimes wonder how the hell I manage to get from day to day.
I have nobody in my life to share the ups and downs of a relationship with, the one person I want to be with sees me as nothing more than someone with problems, probably my fault as I use them as someone to tell all my problems too. I have probably been dreaming about how life could be with this person and missed the fact that they are looking for someone a bit more cultured than me.
My friends are my rocks but I have distanced myself from them as I just don't want to lose them if they knew the real state I am in. I want to be the person they decided to become friends with and not the wreck I have become. I am embarresed to admit that my life has hit rock bottom and that is the reason why i have written this.
I want everyone to just understand that I can't do the things that you all can. As much as I try to be better than I am I know that my life is not meant to be filled with pleasure and happiness. I want so much to stay up in the happy zone but I can't do it. In short I am destined to live this life like this and there is no point in putting myself through more pain and suffering to try and change it.
I guess this is my goodbye from something that I love and have many great memories from, and something that before I ruin completly I need to close the book on and keep my memories happy.
With Love The Evil Mistress Maurela x x x
| 29 Jul 08, 11:32 PM Hybernation UK, 7 yrs  |
Get the feeling that your trying to be happy just so you don't dissapoint people. I could sing a few verses of that song. It's an extra strain on your life, trying to be what other people want you to be. I hope the people who love you read this and say "You have every right to be unhappy, you have every right to be exhausted and to say you're exhausted and while you go through this we won't be dissapointed if your not dancing for us." advice (because it's obligatory)... "It has to stop raining sometime" Hxx There are no absolutes | |
| 29 Jul 08, 11:33 PM RosieLady UK(AB), 6 yrs |
hey...i understood that blog. Me..ex succesful brought down by breast cancer..ten years of shit, bi lacteral mastectomy. Singleoarent of two now grown kids, one a darlin, one a total stress.
Life not what i expectes but am (just) coping. Be good to get to knmow you, my womjen pals always the best. Memo if u havinbg a bad time, I am a bam but a good friend I think xx Rosey
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality (dear oscar) | |
| 29 Jul 08, 11:35 PM night_porter UK(G), 4 yrs  |
My thoughts are with you. Seriously. We've never met but I enjoyed our online communications very much. You have humour and grace. Many don't.
b xx
What the daylight scorns, the night embraces | |
| 29 Jul 08, 11:45 PM GazUK1963 UK(B), 6 yrs |
There is unlikely to be any short, easy fixes, there rarely are in life. You find though, that there are ways to make things better (as improve things, make them better than they are now). Things may never be perfect, but if you work towards maximising the pleasures in your life and working around the problems, it often helps. Take care and I wish you all the best. Gary x. Everyone who lives dies, but not everyone who dies has truly lived. | |
| 29 Jul 08, 11:48 PM faceseat_tramplemat UK(TN), 7 yrs |
That is truly sad, i sincerely hope you find happier times ahead i honestly do.
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| 30 Jul 08, 4:19 AM druidic UK(DD), 12 yrs |
Ohhhhh...just....a hug xx FIFE & TAYSIDE MUNCH | |
| 30 Jul 08, 8:51 AM subwills UK(G), 4 yrs |
Mistress Maurela, I have never met you nor have I spoken to you, however I have 100% admiration to you for the blog you have just written. You should never feel embarresed that you're life has hit rock bottom. You've just taken you're first positive step back to reality and where you want your life to be again. Everybody deserves the right to be filled with happiness and you are no exception either. I'm sure you're friends will stand by you 100% and be there for you regardless, thats what friends are for, even strangers too. I hope this is not a goodbye from IC for you, but instead a well earned break. May you be filled with happiness once more and be the person that makes you happy ... My regards .. Subwills | |
| 30 Jul 08, 10:42 AM MistressFeral 4 yrs |
I ll call you when youre up babes, I know youre on nights, but what I want to say is DONT YOU DARE!!! We all love you, and will NOT let you slope off to 'protect us', We want to know you warts and all, you are an amazing woman who has worked harder at life and motherhood than anyone I know. I love you and respect you and WILL be your friend no matter how hard you try to hide. I am your friend, for always, and want to hear your troubles as I want to tell you mine. Thats what friends are for, and even if you feel you havent had real friends before, you sure as hell do now. Ill be up next week with the mad blonde sub ( you know who) to help you sort the house out, because I LOVE YOU YOU SILLY COW!!!!
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| 30 Jul 08, 12:04 PM tiggerGlasgow UK(EH), 6 yrs |
Not getting out of it that easily. I want my hug quota!!! If you vanish that's one less set of hugs!!! (shocked and traumatised expression) Seriously, you don't need to be happy all the time for people to think that you're worth being around. Anyway you can't go, I'm making cake to bring to Saltire's party!!! You'll miss out on the cakes. "A life without pain has no meaning" Athrur Schopenhauer | |
| 30 Jul 08, 12:12 PM TheScorpionQueen UK(CH), 5 yrs |
I don't think you realise how strong you are to keep this from your friends and suffer in silence There is no need to feel embarrased with a true friend, it's only embarrasing to admit it to yourself which you have. Pull on your big girl pants and kick ass, I would say you sound ready for it Good luck x I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise. - Lady Mary Wortley Montagu |
