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| ToakReon |
on Sun 27 Jul 08, 11:19 AM to ToakReon's blog.
The Sabbatical
So what was this all about? Of course you may not be interested, but if you're troubling yourself to read this, maybe you are.
Put simply I, some time ago, took part in a photo shoot for Fallen Angel Designs. During this shoot I am informed I repeatedly entered the dressing room used by the models despite having been told this was off limits to photographers.
I am informed?
Yes. That's the point, or one of them at least. My recollection of the shoot is mainly of the photographs. I genuinely have little or no recollection of the indiscretion of which I am guilty, though I have been told of my actions that day by sufficient people to have no doubts about what I did.
A phrase springs to my mind, a phrase from the new “St Trinians” movie ...
“A short memory masquerading as a clear conscience”
In similar circumstances, had someone else acted inappropriately and then simply said “sorry, I don't remember” I would be far from impressed by that argument. As I find myself in a position where I'm saying the same thing I'm in the strange situation of being far from impressed with my own argument.
“I don't remember” isn't good enough, as I would be the first to admit - unfortunately, regarding the events that day, I find I have nothing else to offer. I have no explanation to give, or excuse for what I did or the offense it caused. I have nothing to offer but an apology to all concerned.
I am sincerely sorry for any offense or distress I caused that day.
One of the key concepts of safe BDSM, not that this really was a “BDSM event” I guess - but it should still have applied, is “keep your eyes and ears open, and your brain switched on”.
Obviously I didn't.
The thread I started announcing I was taking a break from Informed Consent
When I decided I needed a break from IC to think about things, I started a thread to announce the fact. My OP was:-
In a series of recent memo communications it has become clear to me that on at least one occasion in the past I have acted in a manner incompatible with my own most deeply held values and standards. For this reason I believe I am in need of a period of reflection, self-assessment and soul searching.
During this period I will be taking a sabbatical from IC. I will no longer post to the boards, I will no longer initiate memo communication with people on IC and I will no longer participate in the IC chat-rooms. Furthermore I shall, during this period, not attend BDSM-based events except (possibly) at the direct invitation of the organizer.
I will, however, still read the boards and reply to any memos sent to me.
See you all sometime. I don't know when.
Toak
This thread elicited a response that I was not expecting.
It rapidly became filled with replies, most of which were supportive (for which I thank you), some less so - but whether supportive or otherwise there a strong tendency for the responders to “read between the lines” and see in that posting things that I never intended to be there.
For the record I would like to say:-
1. My purpose in starting that thread was simply to inform those on IC who knew me that I would not be around a while, and why.
There are many people who know me, both through IC and in real life, who read the IC forums. Had I simply “disappeared” without warning, notice or explanation, my friends on IC might have been concerned that I had stepped in front of a bus or suffered some other, similarly terminal, fate. Those who like me less might have cracked open the Moet et Chandon on the same assumption.
As I wished to cause neither baseless concern nor unnecessary expense I started that thread purely for the purpose of letting those who know me know what was happening and why I was disappearing.
2. The reason I took the sabbatical from IC is precisely the reason I gave in the OP. No more, no less.
There were no “bastards grinding me down”. There was no villain, except perhaps myself for the incident I describe above. There was no desire to “make a gesture” or “flounce off” in dramatic style. There was, in truth, nothing but what I said.
The reaction to that thread lead me to musing about IC in general.
It's strangely true when there is “trouble” on IC - bitching, cat-fighting, snarling and other unpleasantness - that the root of the problem seems to be someone, somewhere, reading into something that which really isn't there.
If you meet someone in real life there is so much more to them than their words. There is their tone of voice, their gesture, their stance, the expression on their face and so many more things that add to the words they say, colouring them and giving them greater meaning.
On IC there are only the words on the screen. They must stand or fall by themselves.
The problem is, or so I believe, that they're often not allowed to.
“It's obvious that he meant ...”
“Anyone could see that she was ...”
“As I read it, it became clear that ...”
How many times have you read comment, or seen arguments caused by, supposed “facts” that actually have no basis in the written words they were founded on, but are instead based on the “interpretation” of the reader? Certainly I have - many times.
I am taking a conscious decision, from now on, not to “read between lines” or apply “interpretation” that is not based on the actual words that appear on the screen.
I am making a conscious decision to base my views on what is said, not on figments of my own imagination.
Other musings
I've been doing a fair bit of thinking about many things during my sabbatical. OK, I admit it - I'm a compulsive navel-gazer. So let's start with:-
Young women
I am (Shit! How old am I now? ... doing quick calculation) 44 years old, and I have a liking for younger women.
I think just about anyone on IC who knows me has “twigged” this.
Just for the record:-
1. I do not find all young women attractive.
2. There are also older women that I find attractive as well.
So if the accusation is that I'm a “lecherous old man” then I must, I guess, plead guilty. If, however, the accusation is that I'm indiscriminate or only seek youth then I certainly am not.
So is this a shameful, disgusting and monstrous admission for which I should hang my head in abject shame?
No, I don't believe so.
What does every member of IC have in common, assuming they should be members at all of course?
Every single one is an adult.
As an adult every single member of IC can make their own decisions and can say “yes” or “no” as they choose. If I approach a woman half my age and she says (as a fair few do) “go away” then good luck to her! As an adult she has made her own decision, a decision that is hers to make and hers alone.
What I find astonishing is IC members who take upon themselves a self-given “right” to make decisions for other, adult IC members.
I have been informed that a particular young lady I spoke to was “obviously as innocent as the day is long” and that I should therefore have been ashamed of myself for approaching her.
Sorry - she was an adult. Furthermore she was an IC member, which means she had some idea at least about the direction and style of her own sexuality. I also suspect she might have been offended by the suggestion that she was so sweet, innocent and unblemished that she needed a self-appointed guardian angel to protect her - particularly a guardian angel who would doubtless object most strongly if someone performed the same role for her as she chose to perform for others.
If a fellow IC member wants you to be their guardian angel I'm sure they will let you know. If they do not, then you are not their guardian angel - in all likelihood because they don't need one.
Rant over.
Dammit. This is turning into a book. I'd better stop.
Toak-the-Returned
| 27 Jul 08, 11:58 AM BikerButch UK(ST), 6 yrs |
welcome back friend......... settle yourself back in mate. | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 12:07 PM Bubbles_2 UK(E), 6 yrs |
Well i was at that shoot as well, and i certainly wandered into the models' room on several occasions....though for what particular reason i cannot remember, though it was a photoshoot, not a vicar's tea party. It was an interesting and well run shoot, with some built in chaos provided by the different tableaus and photographers being switched around at random and what appeared to be a great deal of professionalism on all sides. I certainly came away with some memorable images, some of which have been used, with permission, on Subversion flyers.. I am not really fully aware of what the issues are here, but i was not aware of anything untoward at the shoot.. Club Subversion Crossing the Rubicon FleursduMal bobette's MySpace Beginners Guide to BDSM[/ur | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 12:31 PM x_Red_x 6 yrs |
I think you'll find the rule was that you knock first and wait for the reply, not walk in with an uncapped camera in your hands, pointing into the room - don't forget that these were not all professional models, for some of them it was their very first time modeling for anything. Nor did I get a single complaint from any of the models about your behaviour, which appeared to be impeccable as was that of pretty much everyone there. Let's be fair, without the exemplary behaviour of everyone it would have been an impossible day to achieve. Obviously I was too busy to oversee everything with 3 sets running at once and the models all swapping and changing all the time and having to juggle people round because they wanted to do something a bit different and trying to keep track of the jewelery that Prong had loaned to us, and fit in the mask man and others who arrived. It was only after the event, as we left, that I found out it had been a problem, and I spoke to everyone concerned about ANY concerns they had on the day. It turned out this was the only one, and that it had upset several people. It being after the event I apologised for the upset to the people concerned, I made the decision not to use Toak Reon again or any of his images from the day and sever company contact with him. I didn't feel it necessary to take any further action at that time. When Toak asked me if he had caused a problem at the shoot I responded calmly and politely, and he apologised immediately and without reservation. Something for which I cannot fault him. There was no bluff, no excuses, just an immediate and complete apology. Something a lot of people on here would have trouble managing. Given that fact and the discussions that ensued, as far as I and Fallen Angel Design are concerned, this is all in the past. Toak and I have spoken about it, and I had already accepted his apology before he left, assuring him that I would welcome him back, which I do, and that the slate would be clean.
The day of the photo shoot was wonderful and very much worth all the panic and organisation that was involved! And I'm sure we'll be doing another one, just as soon as I've forgotten how much stress it caused me at the time. Red | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 1:38 PM Miss_Hardy UK(E), 5 yrs  |
I think it is great that you have apologised Toak. Clearly the girls at the shoot acted professionally by not making a big deal at the time of you walking into the dressing room but if I had of been there I would've kicked up a fuss. I cannot stand photographers making models feel uncomfortable. For a new model its hard enough being scantily clad (I don't mean that offensively Red, actually quite gutted I wasn't at the shoot) on set in front of a room full of strangers yet alone to have someone continually bursting in when you're trying to get changed. But you've apologised for it and that is as much as you can do. Welcome back to IC. "If you've lost your faith in love and music | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 3:02 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
read the blog, im gonna go with my instinct you seem like a nice bloke and i don't think you'd do anything in a non concensual way in terms of bdsm and stuff your ideas about how to treat others that you've expressed on here wou;ld suggest to me that you'd not do anything intentionally wrong you were one of the people on ic who took the time and gave me good, sound, detailed advice about seeking play online so i don't think anyone who has the time and heart to be that nice is someone who'd go and do something below the belt in terms of consensual behaviour
so you have my thumbs up and i hope your experience hasn't dampened your passion for photography as someone else said, it was a photoshoot and not a vicars tea party...i've done a bit of modelling when i was thinner and its likely that people will randomly see you in a state of undress (eta that this wasn't anything massively professional so i'm not saying all pro models should be as comfy walking around stark bollock naked as myself lol) but the fact of the matter is that nobody's there to perve on ya, theyre just there to do a job hope you're ok dude
Laura Edited 27 Jul 08, 3:05 PM by totallycoverme | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 4:52 PM Miss_Hardy UK(E), 5 yrs |
So are you saying because SOME of the models weren't pros that its perfectly ok for their privacy to be breached, because they aren't pros they should be treated lesser than models who are? Surely it should be the other way round. I have been modelling for a couple of years now and if anyone treated me with less respect than a more experienced model they'd sure as hell get an earful. I do topless and nude/implied nude shoots regularly but I still more often than not change in the privacy of my dressing room and every photographer I have worked with has knocked before entering There is a lot of difference between a model posing in front of camera and her being caught unaware in a state of undress. I do not know if the models were paid or not but I assume they weren't. If they were all pros a fuss would've been made but as a lot of them were I assume from IC and less experienced models they just got on with it without kicking off. Little things like this can put aspiring models off To summarise your post is made of pure fail "If you've lost your faith in love and music Edited 27 Jul 08, 4:54 PM by Miss_Hardy | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 7:14 PM MisterAndy UK(SS), 4 yrs |
Welcome back ToakReon. Don't worry about your mistakes. I've made a few errors with women. Its what makes us human and we all do it. | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 8:39 PM totallycoverme UK(M), 4 yrs |
heya, sorry, i didn't phrase what i wanted to get across very well and i'm cool with what you're saying i was trying to get across the notion that when i model(ed), i don't care who sees me stark naked but i can appreciate why other people would be rightfully offended sorry, i was getting at the idea that i'm not a pro model and i don't care who sees me bits, but that's no reason for any models to feel over exposed, pro, ametre or otherwise sorry if i made it sound like i was dissing models and their right to privacy. I'm not...i was just going off topic a bit and saying that being walked in on wouldn't have bothered me personally in a changing room based context apologies if i offended because i really didnt mean to
Laura
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| 27 Jul 08, 9:33 PM Miss_Hardy UK(E), 5 yrs |
"If you've lost your faith in love and music | ||
| 27 Jul 08, 9:41 PM x_Red_x 6 yrs |
No offense taken, and I promise, just as soon as I've got another one lined up, you're on the list! Some models are more nervous than others, and they all have to be catered for, but I do think that no matter what they're prepared to display to each other in the dressing room, or what they're prepared to display on a stage where they know there is a camera, it's not on to take "candid" shots in the dressing room. Some of the girls did, apparently, kick up a fuss at the time, but only with Toak, not with me, who was busy being 15 different people all at once.
But I really must commend all those that did behave, even when it meant putting up with things until they could tell me later, because the day went off so much better than I had hoped. I had a relative small room, quite a few large egos, several delicate flowers and a minor celebrity. 3 sets, 15 scenarios for which clothes, jewelery hair and make up had to be done, and catering for everyone to organise as well as setting up computers and taking downloads of all the images. Everyone put their egos and their reservations aside and pulled together in a way that frankly made me cry later when I thought of everything everyone had done to make the day go so well. I still seem to be saying thank you to those who participated and helped, and I can't imagine stopping any time soon. Red |
