emotional masochism (82)

I think you could say the same thing that you have been saying by thinking of it as knowing yourself. I think if we are lucky we are free to get to know ourselves in childhood; the security and stability of childhood leaves us free to do so, which is basically the 'work' of childhood, what childhood development is. But if we feel threatened, anxious and insecure in our childhoods we are preoccupied with survival and so not free to discover our selves.

So then we reach adulthood in a bit of a muddle, not quite sure who we are and what we want and with a lot of negativity about ourselves. That makes us vulnerable to abuse by others. The heart of the problem is this catch 22 type business of caring about ourselves. I don't have any answers but I do think, as you say, everything must be on a bedrock of love, respect and caring otherwise it is just abuse and I think, however lost you do feel with yourself, there is always part of you that knows what is abuse and what isn't. Then you have to act on that, go with it, or you are just abusing yourself. And that is what takes the most courage. It is as though there is a voice saying 'no, of course you can't have real happiness, BDSM with a partner who really cares about you, you can only have the shit, false stuff, ie abuse'. To ignore that voice and dare to insist on only loving BDSM partners for yourself is to break from powerful negativity about yourself.

If you come from abuse in childhood, maybe perpetuated on into adulthood, it really is bloody tough to break that circle, much easier, less painful, to stay hidden from yourself, hidden from your own deep pain, by staying with what is familiar, ie abuse, rather than dare to look the monster of your childhood unhappiness and distress in the face, to face it down and dare it to stop you having happiness, ie loving BDSM.

Does this make sense? As I say, I do admire your clarity.