Posted by Excalibur_1949 on Thu 10 Jul 08, 11:37 PM to Excalibur_1949's blog.
right now gone 11.30 pm..and I should be in bed asleep, as I am due to get up in just over four hours.
But sleep eludes Me.
My thoughts are full of My late wife, and how much she meant to me.
in a little less than a month I mourn her passing, as I have done so since she died in 2002.
its strange really. Its our anniversary on the 29th of the month, and My birthday on the 30th..then on the 3rd of next month the sixth anniversary of her death.
I was intending to take a week's holiday from work, starting on the 28th, so I would be off work for all three occasions. But that isnt now happening.
A friend needs help, and to be able to help them, I have had to cancel My holiday plans, agree to work, and take the holiday pay instead.
I dont even know why I am doing it. True, the person is a friend,and I would never let a friend down if I could help it.
But am I doing Jackie any favours by working My holiday, when its "our time".
She would tell Me its right to help friends. she would laugh when I felt guilty about working on our anniversary.
So why do I have such mixed emotions about it?
Its too late now to change My mind, I have already taken the holiday pay, and agreed to work the week. Except the 3rd, that day is still "our day"
But so is the 29th...our anniversay. we would have been married 12 years this month had she lived.
Its strange that, even though she was not in this lifestyle, she understood that I was, and always allowed Me to be Myself. there was never any deceipt, never any argument,, she simply allowed Me to be Me, what ever that was.
She accepted My nbeed to tie poeple up and beat them, and never once showed any sign of jealousy.
So why am I giving up our time,,,to help a friend? am I being unfaithful to her memory?
I really dont know. but one thing I do know....is that...Jackie...I still love and miss you
When we married it was for life....and I am still here...and still faithful...and still as much in love as I was the day we married.
Sleep peacefully My darling...we shall be together again soon enough.
| 10 Jul 08, 11:47 PM Katalena UK(GL), 5 yrs   |
How beautiful to be so in love. I hope my relationship reaches that level. You are not being unfaithful to her memory whatsoever. You still have the 3rd off, the day she needed you the most. Take care Kat "Your ego is writing cheques, your body can't cash" |
| 10 Jul 08, 11:48 PM Oralee 4 yrs |
Your post leaves me wishing everyone was as fortunate to experience a love like yours, heartfelt best wishes to you xx |
| 10 Jul 08, 11:54 PM Spreadeagled2 4 yrs |
Christ, Ex, that is the most moving thing I've read on this site. Your mutual love is so obvious.......she will understand whatever you feel is the best thing to do. I think you know that. Best wishes Dave |
| 10 Jul 08, 11:54 PM denMaus US, 3 yrs |
No, you're not being unfaithful to her memory; even asking the question shows that you are still very much faithful to it. I used to try to keep the anniversary of my partner's death special, clear, as a tribute to him, but life still happens, and it still happens even on the most painful-sweet of days. Me, I read about Yom Kippur and there was something about the idea of a day of reflection every year, so on the anniversary of his death I try to take some time to think about what I did that year to make him proud, and what I can do in the next year to honour his memory too; on our wedding anniversary, I tend to just think of him and smile now. This is only my own experience, my own mechanisms, and these things are different for everyone. But please don't feel guilty: you don't need to be still and alone to honour someone, and you don't always need a whole day to do it: sometimes 5 intense minutes is enough to say "thank you" and "I love you". It's all fantasy. |
| 10 Jul 08, 11:58 PM blindfolded_angel 3 yrs |
beautiful x |
| 11 Jul 08, 12:06 AM specialk_subbie UK(OL), 4 yrs   |
You have reduced me to tears. xx |
| 11 Jul 08, 12:58 AM fdghdfkhjgk 6 yrs |
beautiful. "you dont ride a boat, you row a boat" "oh boat, i thought you said goat?" |
| 11 Jul 08, 1:17 AM harley_quimm UK, 4 yrs |
She would be smiling by just your thoughts, and understand the love you still feel for her. You could take a moment on each of the three days to remember her, smile at her as if she was sitting next to you. I hope one day I find something as wonderful as you have shared x |
| 11 Jul 08, 7:19 AM Temuchin UK(M), 11 yrs |
Ex - We carry the ones we love in our hearts every second of every day - Birthdays come and birthdays go, deathdays come and deathdays go - its just the ticking of the clock - it doesn't make the slightest difference to the way we feel about those we have lost - she knows whats in your heart and she knows it every single day. Women should be obscene and not heard |
| 11 Jul 08, 9:12 AM just_the_two_of_us 5 yrs |
hugs your way, beautiful XX |
