Compiling BDSM Hierarchies (30)

TheMarquise's profile

Posted by TheMarquise on Wed 2 Jul 08, 12:49 AM

The world of BDSM is wonderfully rich and varied. It encompasses many different types of participants, interests and notably, assumptions about what BDSM represents. The BDSM 'scene' exists on many different planes: in private real-life; in public real life (e.g. clubs/munches) and online, in the commercial realm and of course these areas may overlap.

The diversity of this wide-ranging BDSM community inspires a lot of creativity, intelligence and support to those within and without it. Yet the very broadness of the scene can generate a tendency for pigeonholing and categorising people in order to simplify the complexity of difference. But sadly, there is still a hierarchy of "realness" in BDSM perpetrated by some. As antithetical to our world as this would seem to be, there are people who set themselves up as appointed guardians of bdsm truth and want to delineate that their kink is substantially different to, and usually better than yours.

Ironically most of this posturing about what people should be doing in their lives actually happens online. It is surely significant that a medium so removed from real-life conversation is used for this sort of judgmental content, which would never justify a real-life dialogue with real-world players.

For me, kink is acceptable from those that are straight, gay, transgendered, bi and could include posing in clubs which some people want to term 'fetish tourism', waders wearing fetishistics, switching, strict Mistress/slave relationships, age play, cp and disciplinarian, variations on female led unions, Dominant male and submissive female, sadist and bottom, pro doms and lifestylers. All this and everything in between providing it is done with the consent of all parties and in a risk aware environment.

I find labels useful to give clarification to others as to my purpose and interests. It is natural to seek invariable essences in our, and other's dispositions and to know how they might fit with our own “invariable” desires. However, there are limitations to labelling and they are in my view “harmful” if taken as definitive. What is required is more humility in the manner in which we categorise others, often with a single word or phrase. Entering into a dialogue with as few assumptions as possible is a starting point for a more meaningful exchange. Meaningful because a better understanding is then possible.

A label is an approximation when used to describe a person in their entirety. Any notions we have of them should be open to correction or revision. New terms emerge with new experiences, which may or may not be an improvement over earlier labels but it is at least an indication of change and process. If we can see these labels as the starting point of our association with someone, rather than the be all and end all of what they are about, I think we will gain more depth and awareness from our associations. Finally, it is crucial to remind yourself that not everybody who shares a label will be the same in every other respect. One cannot say one relationship's submissive is 'more sub' or 'less sub,' than another's. One could perhaps assess the relative submissiveness of a submissive, as compared to others, in terms of the activities they engage in or the amount of time and commitment spent in this realm. But any definitions can rightly be disputed. I don't favour checklists. Others find these very useful. In terms of authenticity I don't think the fact I could tick many of the activities on these lists says much about me at all as a domme. Also, I will not be the right dom for every submissive, despite feeling I have much to offer as a domme.

I prefer also to emphasise what I have in common with someone, rather than the differences. Some people enjoy what is termed edge play. They might like to play in the realm of needles and or electrics for example. Others see themselves as disciplinarians and some in this group are keen to disassociate themselves from the more overtly erotic side of the activity. Those that dress fetishistically and administer pain through a whip, possibly with the recipient tied down, may seem to vary from those who prefer a scene where they and their partner are dressed normally, cp coming from a hand or a cane with no bondage involved. I see the connections between these things rather than the difference in the surface appearance.

Putting others down and raising oneself up according to some objective standard is misguided. There is no "real" bdsm to measure up to. There is only how one chooses to express and act upon these desires. “Know thyself” is a term urgently applicable to the world of bdsm. Be careful of those who seem to need to set up categories to allow them to have that extra bit of "definitive" power. A label can also be something to hide behind. Thoughtless behaviour from a dom can sometimes be "justified" by words to the effect that it comes with the territory. Obnoxiousness from a submissive can be excused as brattiness. Overly identifying with these labels might encourage certain types of conduct that helps create the persona, so an otherwise empathetic woman, acts up to her Domina designation by portraying cold heartedness.

Rather than stressing over definitions I am better served to identify what I have to give and what I seek and that is what I would encourage others to do. Opting for labels is mistakenly opting for the extra power to judge the legitimate nature of another perve's lifestyle. There are plenty of vanillas doing that already! We need to support each other with understanding and not waste precious pleasurable time in nit-picking over definitions and compiling hierarchies of realness that have little bearing in reality. Whatever your BDSM inclination, as long as you are being honest with yourself first and foremost and then to others, you have my support and respect for your right to conduct your life and define yourself as you see fit.

Edited Wed 2 Jul 08, 8:40 PM by TheMarquise

Replies

2 Jul 08, 11:37 AM
Clyde1
UK(NW), 21 mths

A wonderful and thoughtful statement from which many of us could learn a lot.
m
Edited 15 Jul 08, 11:58 AM by Clyde1

2 Jul 08, 12:05 PM
Proccie
UK(HP), 2 yrs

Thank you. would you please consider posting this as a write up rather than a weblog?
Don
Oh who is that young sinner with the handcuffs on his wrists?
And what has he been after that they groan and shake their fists?

2 Jul 08, 12:43 PM
RastaPasta
UK, 6 yrs

TheMarquise wrote:
The world of BDSM is wonderfully rich and varied.
Putting others down and raising oneself up according to some objective standard is misguided. There is no "real" bdsm to measure up to.
Interesting blog.
I was particularily drawn to the comments above.
I see the scene as a 'place' made up of individuals here to explore, discuss, participate and share their views on BDSM.
I don't consider any one person, or group of people to 'be' the scene.
There seem to be those who believe that as they run or organize something or other, they are automatically some type of 'celebrity', of sorts. All they are, is someone who runs or organises something.
There are those who have found my interests in D/s rather tame. I have an interest, and feel comfortable being here.
I don't believe that a person who owns 'X' amount of canes/whips or leather trousers has more of a right to express their feelings about BDSM, as they have the 'right' equipment or have been around for donkeys years!
You raised some really good points.
Will be interesting to see what sort of responses you get and what opinions/ideas others have on the subject.

If you are willing to look at another person's behaviour towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than as a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react to them

2 Jul 08, 1:24 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 16 mths
This is what I come here to read.

2 Jul 08, 1:36 PM
TheMarquise
UK, 2 yrs
Thank you for your response, that means a lot coming from someone who writes so well and insightfully herself.

2 Jul 08, 1:37 PM
TheMarquise
UK, 2 yrs

Sorcha wrote:

TheMarquise wrote:
The world of BDSM is wonderfully rich and varied.
Putting others down and raising oneself up according to some objective standard is misguided. There is no "real" bdsm to measure up to.
Interesting blog.
I was particularily drawn to the comments above.
I see the scene as a 'place' made up of individuals here to explore, discuss, participate and share their views on BDSM.
I don't consider any one person, or group of people to 'be' the scene.
There seem to be those who believe that as they run or organize something or other, they are automatically some type of 'celebrity', of sorts. All they are, is someone who runs or organises something.
There are those who have found my interests in D/s rather tame. I have an interest, and feel comfortable being here.
I don't believe that a person who owns 'X' amount of canes/whips or leather trousers has more of a right to express their feelings about BDSM, as they have the 'right' equipment or have been around for donkeys years!
You raised some really good points.
Will be interesting to see what sort of responses you get and what opinions/ideas others have on the subject.

Thanks for your encouraging response.

2 Jul 08, 1:38 PM
TheMarquise
UK, 2 yrs

Proccie wrote:
Thank you. would you please consider posting this as a write up rather than a weblog?
Don
Usually use the boards to respond to posts and if I have anything to say off the bat, I place it here. No objection to it going as a write up. I will remember your suggestion for the next one.

2 Jul 08, 4:40 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 16 mths

TheMarquise wrote:
Thank you for your response, that means a lot coming from someone who writes so well and insightfully herself.
: ) (wrote she eloquently...)
It is salutary to read something like this. So easy to kick around fun little one-liners on the boards, but a thoughtful sustained piece like this is what everyone should try to write from time to time. It is easy also to slip into the behaviour you refer to, even if one disapproves of it (I find, at least) especially as a beginner, trying to define oneself and building a larger construct of the new ideas, relationships and actions of others.

2 Jul 08, 7:16 PM
Nemi75
UK, 12 mths

Stands up and gives a well deserved round of applause.
One of God's own prototypes, a high powered mutant of some kind, never considered for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die.

2 Jul 08, 9:52 PM
Mnemosyne
UK(NW), 2 yrs

I totally share your deep reflection on the matter. Very expressive, beautifully worded and inspiring. This is all about reaching a freedom to be ourselves, improve the clarity of our expression, being able to connect better, deeper, developing more openmindness and working towards undoing stigmatising prejudices about one another. Diversity is rich and beautiful, and who I am to judge another for his deep desires, fantasies, label...if they are sincere and heartfelt? Are theirs better or of less value than mine?
Within like you said, a safe sane and consensual environment, and a caring and hopefully loving connection, filth is only the filth of taboos, and nothing else. Labelling can become a cage also, I believe it has to be used with parcimony and if we desire a label that we attach our own definition to it, as we are complex beings and not only a word attached to the representation of ourselves.
Majestic Red
... for some a dream, for others .. a nightmare..

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