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IC : Weblogs : Cortina : "Causes and effects"
Causes and effects (3)
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Posted by Cortina on Thu 26 Jun 08, 9:53 AM
Another somewhat pointless posting.. What with the family crises, the general bad mood about work and the boredom that comes from friends being busy or living in other cities, I fully admit that I haven't been my usual self.
I have been irritable, questioned a lot of things, and no doubt come across as being negative in certain aspects in life. That's natural, and some say expected.
It is rather odd, since in a lot of aspects I am very lucky indeed, to the point which I don't say it enough to the people concerned.
And I am a born optimist - everything in life has always sorted itself out with a bit of work. There are opportunities to graps, things to do, places to go. The one thing that I haven't expected it to bring negative connotations is my recently-discovered tendency to apologise profusely for saying these things outloud, and letting them have effect on me. I used to be in the army where you kept your mouth shut. Anything you needed to say, you kept to yourself - things never got in the way of work and how you conducted yourself. From torn ligaments to hallucinating due to lack of sleep, you bitched with your friends but ultimately kept the lid on it. It's hard to keep that attitude from spilling into my life even now. I am finding myself unable to say that I need to speak to people, that I need to offload. And when I do, I seem to apologise for constantly. I hate to talk to people about being tired, fed up, in need for change, at times feelings at loss with things, scared and confused.
I think it burdens people, and most of all I feel that if people cannot help, they shouldn't be burdeoned with it. Other people have things they have to deal with, why should they have knowledge of something they cannot help with? It is almost like I feel ashamed for admitting any human aspects in my personality. It's a vicious cycle - I feel bad, I think I get snappy, I apologise for it, get told off for apologising, I feel bad about apologising because 'it's not the things to do' and for being told off, I feel bad about it, and the cycle starts again.
I sit there and thing 'am I right in admitting this, am I losing control over things and people?'.
This is an especially hard thing to transfer into aspects of D/s. It is hard to admit being vulnerable, even when common sense says that in human relationships there is frailty from all parties concerned, that no-one is superhuman. Loss of control is a hard thing to admit, no matter how short-lived it is. It feels like 'breaking a deal'. Sometimes, when you're used to being the boss of everything, having to face up to being vulnerable is the hardest thing of all.
And that can only be matched by the fear of how my feelings affect other people around me, and the guilt because of it. C'est la vie. It's a pain being a human.
Replies
26 Jun 08, 10:13 AM
newfavourite
UK(S), 14 mths
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Cortina wrote:
I am finding myself unable to say that I need to speak to people, that I need to offload. And when I do, I seem to apologise for constantly. I hate to talk to people about being tired, fed up, in need for change, at times feelings at loss with things, scared and confused.
I think it burdens people, and most of all I feel that if people cannot help, they shouldn't be burdeoned with it. Other people have things they have to deal with, why should they have knowledge of something they cannot help with?
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I relate to what you are expressing there. I think I
may frustrate the people I am close to by assuming
they can't help with my problems. It's a form of
'self-protection' that really doesn't protect you
from anything, except the love and kindness of others!
People can't change your reality but they can
lighten the load by listening and caring about you. Equality is over-rated
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26 Jun 08, 10:22 AM
just_the_two_of_us
UK, 22 mths
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How many times have I said sorry for saying sorry! I could not count them, I gave up saying sorry sometime back, and now have changed it to, this is how I feel, or I don't want to offend you but ****
I find then the need to say sorry all the time has gone. Well almost.
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26 Jun 08, 11:58 AM
switch_honey
UK(ME), 12 mths
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There's another person like me!!! Hurrah!!
I know what you mean. So many people in 'nilla land expect me to be superhuman in my ability to cope with things. I too struggle to tell people how I'm feeling - I internalise it. I know I shouldn't but can't help it.
hugs and I'm sure you'll get through it.
Feel free to rant away in a memo to me!
honey x |
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