Polyamoury, jealousy and sharing time/attention (11)

*I have four serious partners. Each of them are very different - two are slaves, one is a masochist, one is a bottom.

* Two of them work full time, one works part time as he is supposed to be retired and the other is a full time mother.

*One of them is caring for his elderly brother, one of them is caring for his elderly mother (live in), one of them has an extremely busy social life and the other cares full time for child who shares their bed.

*One of them plays occasionally with others in private, two of them play occasionally in public and the fourth hangs out with girlfriends.

*None of them live with me - one of them lives alone, one of them lives with the elderly mother, one of them lives with a flatmate and the other with a child.

* One of them would like to spend more time here than is possible, one is happy to see me once every week or two, one feels stretched if he doesn't see me every week and the other is starting to want to spend more time here and I see them every week (the slaves need more time).

* One is a princess and needs to be treated accordingly, one wants to be in valuable service as often as possible, and the other two need regular lovin' in their favourite ways.

All of them spend the minority of their time with me. All of them have different needs when it comes to relationships. all of them are in my mind and heart full time. Two of them are (at least to some extent) under my control 24/7 (the slaves). The other two are very independent and would probably not appreciate being too tied down time wise. I also have three children to care for. So in total, all counted, I am caring for eight people.

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QUESTION "The 'you spend more time with xxxx, than you do me.' Does that situation ever rear its head?"

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Some of them need more time than others - none of them is looking for a live in partner, or they would probably not be my partners. Sometimes someone who needs less time than others may need more of me than usual, due to personal stress or problems/progress which needs dealing with. In particular at those times, partners who need and usuallly get more of my time may get less time with me. They try their best to be caring and patient at these times. All of my partners know each other and feel some alliegence with each other and building relationships in their own right. They all care for each others welfare to some extent, not only because it affects me if anything is going wrong with someone.

The question tends not to be posed like that with people who are really into poly themselves. It's not so much 'you are spending more time with xxx' as 'I need more time with you'. Or more commonly the same point is raised as 'I haven't seen you for ages' (ages is a different length of time depending on which partner it is and ranges from a couple of days to a couple of weeks).

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QUESTION "How do You handle it when, or would You handle it, if such a situation developed? Jealousy, or envy really, that someone is getting what a better deal, more time and attention, from You would be an emotive issue to deal with. "

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I would be quite sad actually and yes it is very emotive dealing with someone you love being jealous of someone else you love, as we feel protective towards both of them. In the first instance I would try and make it clear that directing their upset at one of my other partners is inappropriate.

Someone else 'gettin a better deal' is a bit of a trigger for me and is a ludicrous suggestion when all of them want and get different things from me. This is a common accusation from people inexperienced and not at all suited to poly (in my opin) - last time I was accused of this I asked the partner in question had they not been having a marvellous time with me all that day and evening and they said they had never been treated so well - so I pointed out that this is hardly 'a worse deal' considering the other partner does not expect or want the kind of full on relationship they themselves were *already getting*. When jealousy remains in such circumstance I think there is little to be done as the person in question is just not suited to poly relationships.

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QUESTION "Would You react with anger at the implication You were being unfair, or would You want to listen to what Your sub had to say? "

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I try to be fair by meeting everyone's individual needs. I should always listen to what they have to say and I do. I sometimes do react in an annoyed way when the approach is not too helpful and it is a bit of a raw nerve at times, as I would love to be able to spend more time with all of my partners. So if approached in a certain way I can be a bit grouchy about it initially before I accept that the partner needs more time and reassurance and the get to the bottom of the problem to see if there is anything I can do to help. If the approach is good, I'm right in there with 'How can we make this better?', although sometimes I need pulling back a bit to allow people to express their emotions first and fully, as I am pretty manly in my 'how do we fix this immediately' approach..

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QUESTION "Do You take the stance that its 'my way or the highway?' I'm just curious on how You would deal with this when it happens/if it happens."

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No i do not take that stance unless it is a hard limit issue (eg they can't share). I expect my partners to approach problems maturely and in a way which does not cause further problems, to understand that I can only do what I am capable of, and exercise some consideration to my other partners and if they cannot, it's the highway. On all other issues I want to know if they have concerns and deal with them where possible and reassure where not.

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Edited 23 Jun 08, 10:20 AM by Degenerate

"So close no matter how far, couldn't be much more from the heart, forever trusting who we are, and nothing else matters"

The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Ferdinand Foch

Personally, I've had good and bad poly relationships. When they are good they are fantastic, when they are bad they can absolutely destroy you.

Hope your life always remains so beautifully hectic

BV

*edited for typo*

Passion.........Fire......truly is the elixer of life...It feeds not only your heart but your soul too.
www.VelvetEden.co.uk THE fabulous,friendly, BDSM play night!

Edited 23 Jun 08, 10:40 AM by BlueVelvet

Happiness is a journey not a destination.x

Thank you very much for this insight. I am very new to polyamoury and am already coming across the very issues for which you provide guidance from your, obviously extensive, experience. Thank you for sharing it.

Best regards Wacker

"Come to the edge. We can't. We're afraid. Come to the edge. We can't. We will fall! Come to the edge. And they came. And he pushed. And they flew." - Guillaume Apollinaire

Miss T
unNilla - you know you want to
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in getting what we want, that we forget to ask ourselves why we wanted it in the first place

'Would it be a bad thing if I just strangled you with these right now?'
'As long as you look at me, whilst youre strangling me, I'd be fine with that!'

I felt exhausted just reading it