Thoughts On My First Ever Fetish Party... (0)

GotanGotan's profile

Posted by GotanGotan on Mon 9 Jun 08, 1:14 PM

Well, it's now the Monday After, and I've just finished my first weekend of social kink... and I wanted to get my thoughts down before they become incoherent with time

Basically, I went to the Bristol Munch on Saturday, and wandered into the SWAMP market, staying for the party afterwards in the evening. Actually taking those first physical steps wasn't the hard part for me, as I'd already met Jahc99 and Ms_May_Thorn previously, so I knew people into the scene weren't ALL likely to be green slavering monsters... but I have to admit I was a little nervous about meeting potentially so many new people all at once, as I've never been very good at conversing in non-intimate group settings.

The Munch was held at the Ostrich pub, and I want to congratulate both the organisers and the regulars for making it so easy to attend; Use of the "bear in his chair" made for a subtle but clear indicator of where the gathering was, and for the most part everyone was exceptionally welcoming and open. It was especially useful to get the Social Network invitations from regulars here at IC after the Munch; partly because some user names are tricky to remember at best, but mostly because it added to the sense of being welcomed into and supported by a new scene... It probably would have been a good idea to tactfully but actively shuffle people up every now and then though, as my end of the table slowly seemed to become dominated by Dominants; whom once they'd staked out their seat, proceeded to clash in will and personality, until willing conversation seemed to die on our table for the most part. Or at least, that's how it seemed to me

Going to the Munch certainly helped at SWAMP the next night, due both the familiarity with people's faces, and not adding the terror of having to make completely new introductions amongst all of the ongoing kink; And for those who find introductions easy but kink still a bit shockingly new (I am the opposite), I imagine it would also take some of the edge off the eventual kink by introducing it in a safer context first; Such as meeting "Schoolboy John" at last, and then yes, tomorrow you see him in a Schoolboy uniform, but what did you expect eh? But would I still go to another Munch now that I've accrued these benefits from my first one? Yes, I think so... Partly because I want to offer something back to the newbies that follow me into the scene too. But also because it offers a way to converse in a purely non-kink way with some of the regulars, which does matter to me personally. But if I were just looking for Play partners it might have been different though, and I'm not sure I'd recommend a Munch to people looking at it as an eligibility pool; It would likely introduce a hard personal dynamics edge to something which really doesn't need it. But perhaps, and I did wonder if some of the people there on Saturday's Munch have actually played with each other; but if so I congratulate them for keeping those personal complexities out of my first steps into the scene!

With regards to SWAMP, my feelings are a little more mixed. Not because of SWAMP itself; I want to make quite clear that both the staff, the event organisers, the market vendors and the majority of clientele were a delight to be involved with. I came away feeling really uncomfortable though, because I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to be on the scene myself...

Let me explain; I wasn't really sure, when setting out on this journey, what I thought of other people's sexuality. By that I mean, if someone expresses their kink, what my reaction to that would be... Would I be a voyeur? Would I want to play with them and their sexuality like a toy, without any closer connection? Treat it as just an expression of creativity, and discourse about it just as I would any other work of art...?

The reality was though, I found myself watching most of it as if through a wall of Ice; I could see what was happening, but I didn't really feel anything about it at all. During John's penis torture, all I could think of was an academic question of "I wonder what the weight on there is...?" As I watched the young Sid Vicious-alike being covered in clips, I was thinking "Well, he's not erect, so it's not sexual... but I don't have a clue why he's doing that."

There was ONE moment where my heart was touched though; a young couple came in later, and I wonder if they noticed, but I couldn't help but watch their idle playing together... At one point he was caressing her hair, at another they played with a behind-the-back restraint of some kind; It was a personal, mutual and trusting, interplay. And it really illustrated to me where the disconnect with the scene personally was for me; I didn't need the scene on it's own merits, nor did I really share the need to be watched by it, but I wanted the wider scene, and freedom to be expressive in dark or odd ways as part of a wider, inter-personal relationship.

I couldn't buy any toys from the market for the same reasons either; truth be told, I really wasn't interested in walking around with an open display of my preferences, such as a whip on a belt, or the electrostatic toys I was seriously tempted by; because it's something I wanted to explore with regards to a specific person, whose interests and interpersonal chemistry I just don't know right now. And it's just not that interesting to me to imagine Generic Person spreadeagled and helpless... because I want them to know, and I want to know for myself that there's an image of the other in the mind too.

And at one point, I came down off the wall to read the SWAMP guidelines... "No Body Fluid Exchange" was one, and you know, I think perhaps that's actually a primary need for me too; Not necessarily the exchange, but the potential for it; as I was watching people being flogged and stroked, without making a noise or emitting anything, I recall thinking "That's fine, but if you could NEVER orgasm, I don't think I'd be able to embrace this at all". So perhaps BDSM is more tied up with outright sexuality for me than I had realised.

There were a few more disquietening things as well; I've always thought of myself as Dominant, if only sexually and intellectually; I'm pretty socially awkward otherwise, and was especially so at SWAMP as I really wasn't sure of the etiquette. However, and I'd already suspected this, but a night at SWAMP just confirmed it further, but despite my tendency towards and pleasure in taking a sexually dominant role, I'm actually attracted to mostly dominant women. Oh dear... it's clearly going to lead to problems. Not because any of the Dominates I met were rude, far from it, but I'm clearly not going to be what they want, unless I've got a really well hidden Submissive side. And I'm not sure I have.

I ran into my first worrying person too. I'm not going to prejudice anyone by discussing who, but I did wonder after I'd left if I should have made my disquiet more clear in person than I actually did, because I heard a lot of things that really shouldn't be on the scene at all... However I didn't say anything at the time because I truly believe in giving people a chance to reach out, to self-improve; But I'm not sure in hindsight if that was the right call...

But anyway, as I say, everyone else was friendly, open minded, supportive and yes, I'll probably return there too. I just wish I didn't have so many damn questions for myself still!

Edited Thu 3 Jul 08, 11:27 AM by GotanGotan


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