And then it hits you.. (1)

Cortina's profile . Cortina's homepage

Cortina
Posted by Cortina on Wed 4 Jun 08, 1:30 AM

..grief, that is. Just a pre-warning, this is a venting blog, self-indulgent whining again. No purpose, just words I need to write down.

Two weeks, things were going OK. Functioned well in the everyday life, didn't lose the plot at the funeral, even managed to work one day. Dealt with awkward colleagues who clearly didn't know what to say to me, supervisors who were avoiding me, office politics and total lack of interest at work.

Then on Monday night spent a fair amount of time talking to my landlady who herself lost a parent at a reasonably early age due to a long-time illness. She knows far too well how watching someone deteriorate is, how it is to face death in the family, all the feelings of denial and guilt that go with the plan. It was a good discussion. She rightly pointed out to me that now that I am back here, and technically without any support network, I will cast my eyes back on the years that were, and see the illness, deal with all the issues I have around that, and then start going throught the emotions: grief over the loss, guilt over being absent, shame over having been revealed as vulnerable and needing help, anger targeted internally.

Little did I know they'd all hit me today. I woke up and felt like I couldn't move, physically sick, stressed. Went to work to notify a colleague that I was about to be off until Saturday - couldn't even speak to my supervisors because I was sure I'd break down. Went to the city centre and wandered aimlessly for hours, feeling physically sick and completely directionless. Pondered on the possibility of calling a colleague to keep me company, ducked phonecalls from work. Went home, sat in the empty house and felt so beside myself.

With all the disillusionment with work I have at the moment, dealing with bereavement is like being kicked repeatedly when you're on the ground. My supervision's left me a message throught a colleague that I've been asked to take time off from work - for how long, I don't know. I myself am still planning to go back to work on Saturday, as planned. I feel I've screwed up work bad enough as it is, and cannot afford to be away from it. Work is only work in the grand scheme of things, but I cannot put myself in a position where I mess up my own life. I am petrified of screwing things up so badly that I will end up disciplined or booted out. And I don't see how being away from normality will help me in any way in the process of grieving. Yes, yesterday did show me that I am in no state to go out there and deal with things the way I normally do - I feel far too vulnerable to do that. Well, maybe vulnerable is the wrong word: 'on edge' is more appropriate.

I said in my last blog that I can fully see the positive aspects in my father's death. All the negative feelings now stem from something else: self-centered thoughts of guilt for not being there, not coping with the illness too well, just generally being a bad person who no doubt caused a few disappointments to him in his life. There are also thought of deep shame: of showing vulnerability in front of superiors at work. I do not like showing weakness in front of my bosses, something that comes from the army - 'discipline over emotion'. And now I have done that, repeatedly, in front of them and my collagues. I feel like I should be stronger, somehow, too: if my mother can go to work, surely I should be doing so too and not staying home mentally whining!

Odd things, feelings..but to quote a saying, 'one day, this too shall pass'.

Replies

4 Jun 08, 11:22 PM
northernwench
UK, 3 yrs
Your last line summed it up. Grief doesn't follow a pre-ordained path, it has peaks and troughs and god knows what else.
Everything you are feeling at the minute is 'right'. Just go with it and let it wash over and through you. Things really, really will get better. Sending you good thoughts.
x
Edited to add, neither is it self indulgent or whining.
I do
Edited 4 Jun 08, 11:24 PM by northernwench


	©1997-2009 Informed Consent