This post is on the Other BDSM web board.
| Sun 25 May 08, 3:43 PM ElegantSubmission UK, 9 yrs  |
Fellow ICers, I was wondering if you could help me out with something that I'm working on at the moment. My punctuality/time discipline is pretty poor and if procrastination was a national sport, I'd be a medal winner.
That's led me to the conclusion that this is an area where I lack self-discipline (in a psychological, rather than self-flagellation sense That has got me onto questioning self-discipline vs. external control in D/s. So, my question is whether it's... (a) Best to tackle these things alone: I'm a non-smoker, but I guess it's similar to taking a decision to quit; it has to be your own decision, rather than as a result of external pressure. OR... (b) It's perfectly fine to accept that your self-discipline isn't the best and that you need external motivation, so you use your D/s kink for self-development and ask a friendly sadist to help you recognise the error of your ways and correct the bad habit. My feeling is that option (b) just helps to iron out the symptom (the poor punctuality), rather than the cause (poor self-discipline), but I'd welcome your thoughts and comments. Best wishes, ele x "One does not yearn for that which is easily achieved." | |
| 25 May 08, 4:03 PM rabbot 12 yrs |
My take on this is that self discipline can vary according to what it is you are trying to do. For most things my self discipline is pretty poor like yours but for some things it is very good. I don't think that there is any definitive answer to your question. Some people might help, others won't. Perhaps you could ask yourself why you turn up late and if it is because you are a little scatter-brained I doubt that you can do much about that. Why be religious when you can worship a Goddess for real. | |
| 25 May 08, 4:06 PM flamesdesire UK(OX), 4 yrs |
Youve hit the nail on the head there. for me external control works as I have no self discipline (see my last post). jxx | |
| 25 May 08, 4:18 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs  |
I love control by a dominant man. I think it can be helpful in all sorts of areas. The paternalistic looking after improving sub sort of thing is very good. Not everyone agrees it works in every area - like controlling her weight loss but in lots of relationships I'm sure it works, even vanilla as most of us want to please our partner. Although I'm very submissive my self discipline is pretty good. You can do a test on toddlers to test their ability to resist temptation, if that's the same thing. You say one [food choice] now or wait 20 minutes and you get two. Some will want immediate self gratification and others will wait. It seems just to be an innate difference between people. Go away and write "Procrastination is the thief of time" 50 times.
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| 25 May 08, 4:42 PM x_Red_x 6 yrs |
Time keeping is something that a lot of people seem to struggle with. I used to be very punctual until I got into a relationship with someone who seems to be able to procrastinate for England! I always consider that it's an abuse to not be on time. Not "ABUSE!", but with a small a, a small way of saying "you're not important enough for me to be on time for". Because of that I loathe people keeping me waiting, and I equally loathe being late for someone else. How dare I presume that their time is any less important than mine? In that sense, perhaps a sadist *could* help you to remedy your time keeping. Not by physical punishment, but by making you mentally focus on what you intend to tell someone by your actions and how you might make them feel.
Best of all, of course, would be finding an inner sadist to punish you for it. I understand the Catholic church and Jewish mothers have the nurturing of inner sadists down to a fine art... Red | |
| 25 May 08, 4:57 PM ElegantSubmission UK, 9 yrs |
Love it! Responding to tymeup's point, I'd agree that self-discipline can fall into several categories, e.g. sleep, diet, organisation, work habits, etc. I'm strong in several of these areas, and love to challenge myself to improve, but timing seems to be my Achilles' heel. Masterdxx_subj, I've found this blog link on self-discipline quite insightful. Steve Pavlina's writing style is easygoing and he gives plenty of constructive advice. It might be worth a read. As you say, getting to the underlying cause is essential, something which I'm working on...or meant to be working on...being on IC is just another form of procrastination! *smiles* ele x
"Courage is the weakness that you are damned if you are going to show." | |
| 25 May 08, 7:43 PM cherubrequired UK(EN), 4 yrs |
Reasons for bad punctuality may include resistance to structure, fear of success, lack of ability to following things through, being easily distracted, unable to delay gratification and an inability to say no to other pressures. Discipline is an external boundary, designed to move a person towards more internal structure and responsibility. I cannot imagine anyone having no self control, everyone has some. Simply consigning yourself to not having any is simply untrue. If you brush your teeth then you have self control so saying you have some is a better place to start. I think I have said this on IC before, but the word for “discipline” in many languages translates to “teach”. Teaching has both a positive and negative slant. The positive elements are proactive, prevention and instruction. They are the fun parts and then there is correction, chastisement and consequence which are the negative elements. Good teaching involves training, practice and consequences. Such as to discipline a child “positively” you might tell a thirteen year old daughter to be in bed by 9:30 so they will be alert for school. When they stay up till 10:30 you ban them from using the internet the next day and that is disciplining them “negatively.” Why is the carrot and stick important for good development? Because we learn best from trial and error, messing up, learning from our mistakes and having a better go next time. Hope this helps Love a lot, trust a few and learn to paddle your own canoe. | |
| 25 May 08, 7:54 PM MasterJsGift 5 yrs |
yes me too..Lyn x | |
| 25 May 08, 11:38 PM the_one UK(SE), 5 yrs |
knowing you a little over the years... I think that in your case you ideally really need to want to, and that you haven't got to that point yet - not enough to plan in advance, you just regret it afterwards. The discipline could work but is more likely to work when you are in a relationship with a Dom who pays attention to this aspect, I am not sure whether a "friendly Dom" will pay enough attention/you will pay enough attention unless you are really involved though I'm sure you'd get some volunteers! | |
| 26 May 08, 2:32 PM page_boy UK(CR), 6 yrs |
For me, I think the feeling of a lack of self discipline is why I seek a external source of discopline, that and to exorcise the guilt. I never seem to be able to generate the required level of self discipline. That is why I am sitting reading through threads instead of doing what I should be. | |
| 16 Mar 10, 6:09 AM SquireRaglan UK(SW), 6 yrs |
I find Steve Pavlina's 'Personal Growth' website motivating and useful. And full marks to him for not being reticent about where his energies are flowing this year: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2010/01/2010-fo... then edit-find BDSM (or scroll down to just before halfway through the blog). Later in the blog, he writes: "I expect to devote a big chunk of my personal life to exploring D/s this year. Nothing else on my radar excites me quite as much as this."
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). I'm submissive and respond better to external, rather than internal control. I've asked several Doms to help me to brush up in these areas, although the initiatives never lasted long and ultimately failed.
Thanks for your detailed response and for making me smile, Blueshadow.