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IC : Weblogs : Cortina : "The one call you never want to receive"
The one call you never want to receive (4)
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Posted by Cortina on Tue 20 May 08, 3:01 PM
It's one of those blogs that I feel I have to write, even though I do not know what to say. Friday morning I got the one call I have been subconciously waited for years to get, but one I never wanted to receive: the news that my father has died at the age of 58.
Several years spent ill with COPD, the man who in his youth rivalled the guys of Jackass (burning stuff down, blowing stuff up  ) ended up bedridden, hooked on oxygen, unable to even move the short distance from his room to the kitchen.
My extended family rallied around him, with me living in a different country, my mum cared for him. 30 years of solid marriage after a quick romance - that is longevity. Then sometimes in the early hours of Friday, it was over for him. Over for all of us really, the worry about him, the fear that he might be hospitalized, suffocate to death. Instead, he died at home, in his room, surrounded by the things he was familiar with, the best way possible: in his sleep. isn't that what we all desire for? I managed to work normally for an hour after getting the call to work from my distraught mother, then cracked.
Much as a bitch about work, my colleagues could have not been better. They notified everyone, sorted my work out for me, got me two weeks of leave, and even payed for my tickets to get home. I didn't have to worry about the practicalities, just getting through the day.
I spent the evening sitting at the house on my own. Went out for a coffee because I had to be surrounded by people. Tried to pack my stuff. Got back saturday nigt, been at the funeral directors, chosen a coffin, and urn, talked about the hymns, vaguely discussed about where to lay the urn. Doing the usual things that you do when you're organizing a funeral.
Obviously, I have never done thing to someone in my family. It still feels surreal. God knows how it's going to feel on Saturday when 'the day' comes. So here I am; having finally managed to get time away from the family, my mum having been carted off to my aunts house to fight about the funeral arrangements (even when facing death, my family still has petty fights because of bossy women - typical, eh  ?).
It's nice to have space to reflect back, to sit here on my own. Losing a family member is hard, but it has been easier than I thought. No, I tell you a lie - it's not easy. But I've coped better than I thought. When you put aside your own feelings of sadness, the way you want things to be the way they were, to have the person you lost back, you suddenly realize that there has been freedom in death. Despite all your sorrow and grief, how can you not rejoice in the fact that the person you loved all your life, who cared for you, and put up with all your harebrained ideas (albeing accompanied with the parental eye-roll and 'look' most of us know  ) is no longer having to live a life that is full of discomfort, and which was degrading to them in some way. There is grief. But there is also hope, and another day to look forward to, people to speak to, things to do, plans to make.
Replies
20 May 08, 3:05 PM
northernwench
UK, 3 yrs
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Thanks for posting that.
Death is always the opening for something else, new ways of thinking,being, existing and loving and understanding despite being unbearable and full of grief simultaneously.
I hope everything goes ok with you and for you and your family.
x I do
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20 May 08, 3:07 PM
open_arms
UK(B), 23 mths
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A beautifully worded blog.
I'm so sorry for your loss. At least I know I'm a sandwich short of a picnic!!
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20 May 08, 3:45 PM
Northern_Phoenix
UK(NG), 4 yrs
 Y!
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Can't really say anything that hasn't been said at greater length in private already.
Thinking of you
x When a man loves a woman it should be understood,
He would jump into fire if she thought he should.
***Masters Of Reality - Voice And The Vision***
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20 May 08, 9:56 PM
faultlines
UK(SG), 16 mths
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Im very sorry to hear that. My best wishes to you and your family.
x No wonder were're eating big bob's bastard beans
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