This post is on the D/s & M/s web board.
| 23 Jan 09, 2:21 AM adarkerwabit UK(HU), 3 yrs  |
All relationships are open to abuse not just TPE. Abuse starts with a conditioning process and usually undermines a persons confidence and self-esteem. Abuse in relationships comes from anger, which in its self is created by loss or repression. Therefore I would suggest if you are in a TPE or any relationship, and feel that you lack confidence because of it, or you raise your hand and voice consistently in anger it would be abuse. As for walking away it is possibly if it has been an open and honest TPE, if it has negative conditioning as factor, it becomes very difficult...ask anyone who has been in a destructive relationship. I'm not being negative about TPE, if it is what both want, and both are thriving, its the individuals choice. ADW | ||
| 23 Jan 09, 7:30 AM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
There is probably more scope for abuse in relationships like that and indeed any relationship with someone very submissive. I certainly find it hard to object in general in relationships. That doesn't mean the relationships aren't good or shoudl be avoided. Although I don't agree with the word "total" (for me as I wouldn't want to do anything that damages my health, work, family), power exchange is always what I've needed and need and I'd rather take the risks of being abused and hope I'd have the sense to be with someone trustworthy or to get out if something were damaging. It took me a very long time to get divorced however which was perhaps due to being very submissive, although that wasn't really a D/s relationship. As to what is abuse it's a word I think people bandy around too much and what for one person is just being a bit nasty as I am sure plenty of couples are to each other over the years is abuse to another. Is abuse in the eye of the receiver? Very occasionally my ex lost his temper and hit me which is unacceptable, wasn't in any sense D/s and not that it was very hard, is illegal and he had no consent from me to do that and we certainly we're in a D/s relationship. That was obviously a bit abusive. Whereas since then I haven't seen a man who didn't want to spank me and that has never been abusive in any sense. It's just like you go on to a rugby pitch and consent to being pushed around. You walk down Oxford St and you do not consent to another passerby rugby tackling you. One is legal and consensual and the other isn't. I also know there are things that if someone consented to then they need mental help - like cutting off a leg, asking for someone to kill them and cook them. I don't believe the law should allow consent to those things which are a type of mental illness. So line has to be drawn somewhere legally. Anyway those examples where a sub wants thingsl ike that done to her if the dominant goes ahead with it then that's abuse (and I suppose topping from the bottom as he's doing what she said). But I don't think doing things you're not very keen on because you love a partner or because you're submissive to him is an abuse or wrong. Almost every day certainly in long marriages people do things they're not that keen on because that's part of being with someone. | ||
| 23 Jan 09, 1:06 PM Souci_X UK(BA), 5 yrs  |
Im not sure I agree, I can see where you are coming from but I think abusive people are simply abusive. The word is emotive but I think it means something rather clear a lack of respect for another person in your actions. This is why the definition is so wide because differant people have differant levels of tolerance. For example for many relationships a slap round the face would be abusive for some it would be a turn on. Abuse is subjective. Which is why I dont agree with this
Abuse is what the individual thinks it is, if you feel abused then thats enough to use the term. Abuse isnt just physical you can be emotionally abused and people can abuse their power. To the OP when you consent to TPE you have hopefully picked someone who knows your limitations. TPE is the exchange of power to a person who hopefully wont abuse that power, so I dont think limits etc mitigate TPE. If you care for someone you dont want to harm and emotionally damage them. The differance really is that in TPE the limits are made by the Dominant not the submissive and to be honest Dominants are human beings too. I dont think that there is more or less chance of abuse in a TPE relationship I think it probably does happen of course but I just hope that when people consent to a TPE relationship its with someone they trust completely. This is the real world Dont fight for my rights, ill do it myself. Edited 23 Jan 09, 1:08 PM by Souci_X | ||
| 24 Jan 09, 12:43 PM Toran1 UK(G), 4 yrs |
For me the answer to this one is quite straightforward. Just becasue you own your dog does not mean that it cannot be abused. Even more so when you own another person within a TPE relationship. You have a responsibility of care to that person and any breach of that responsibility is abuse. Ultimately the Dominant will be making all decisions, but if abuse is to be avoided these decisions will be made with understanding, compassion and love, and after much discussion. | ||
| 24 Jan 09, 6:47 PM ClassAct2005 UK(N), 7 yrs |
There is more risk if you're sub to someone, dependent on them, kind of bound to them mentally. That doesn't mean the risk isn't worth taking but it does mean if that person goes too far or acts in an abusive way then it's harder to resist and get out. Makes the choosing of the right person and trusting them so important. As for what is abuse, I just don't like it being used when something is objectively not serious. If it gets on your wife's nerves to hear you talkig about football and she feels that's abuse, it isn't in my view. If the way she bites her knife really gets to him or the way he looks at her or the snide comments she makes to him every other sentence feel abusive I still don't regard that as objectively abuse but obviousyl if teh other person hates what they're subjected to them you hope they'll resolve it or leave. I certainly agree that a slap on the face which for me can be erotic is abusive for a lot of people and that therefore to some extent abuse is subjective but I just feel far too many people say their partner abused them when it wasn't actually that bad and it's an easy term to bandy around adn it means those who really have been properly abused find it harder to distinguish their real abuse for something milder. |
