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| blacksheepboy |
I seem to have rekindled my taste for versifying, following on from my last effort. I finished a poem this morning that had been stirring in the back of my head for a week or so. Any similarity between any characters herein and members of IC is purely coincidental - no lawsuits please. I reserve the right, however, to be inspired by people or things I've seen.
The Archeress to whom the poem is addressed is more an abstract idea than a living being. My intention was to write a dark love lyric but it turned out to be something more than that, I hope. There is certainly a BDSM theme to the poem, but it is attempting to place this in a wider context of related ideas:
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Archeress (or Cupid of the Underworld) Draw taut the silken sinews of your hand. Could drops of pity foil perfection's aim? Your bow smiles to see its prey unmanned - an arrow flies - the killer bears no blame. * Somewhere in a desert stands a man, about to move his finger. Blood tastes the same in every clime - from London to Afghanistan - a bullet flies - the killer bears no blame. * Like Zeno's arrow spinning in eternal flight, my mind retraces time to whence it came: You live in darkness, hunt by moonlit night and guiltlessly you smile but bear the blame * for every cruel cut this world endures, for which injustice there is one redress: the poisoned barb that breaks my skin is yours; redeemer - my killer, my victim - pale Archeress.
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ETA: Last line changed in response to discussion below. It was originally:
my redeemer, my killer, my victim, my pale Archeress.
Further edit: I've given an alternative title to emphasise a particular reading.
Edited Sun 24 May 09, 4:57 PM by blacksheepboy
| 1 May 08, 7:58 PM Crystal_Eyes UK, 5 yrs   |
Beautiful.  ------------------------------------------ | ||
| 1 May 08, 9:16 PM cherubrequired UK(EN), 5 yrs |
Brilliant If no man is an island, what about the Isle of Man. | ||
| 1 May 08, 10:01 PM MsNemi UK, 4 yrs |
You has a talent. 
One of God's own prototypes, a high powered mutant of some kind, never considered for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die. | ||
| 2 May 08, 1:14 AM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
Thanks for the kind comments . "I once made love to a female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle." - Dan Whitney | ||
| 2 May 08, 12:17 PM Scribbles UK(RH), 4 yrs |
Like it all apart from the last line, - rhythm. (I suppose who it's about is obvious to everyone else, muggins will have to comb through your network, trying not to look for a woman holding an archery bow!) ETA, There was of course a moment when I thought you'd written a poem about The Archers... | ||
| 2 May 08, 12:56 PM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
The last line ... too anapaesty? ETA: So if I deleted all the 'my's from the last line, would that be better? I'm starting to like that idea, but I'll need to think about it. "I once made love to a female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle." - Dan Whitney Edited 2 May 08, 1:08 PM by blacksheepboy | ||
| 2 May 08, 10:00 PM newfavourite UK(S), 4 yrs  |
How about removing them all except 'my pale archeress' Redeemer, killer, victim - my pale archeress. From The Poetry Editor Never mind the quality; feel the width Edited 2 May 08, 10:01 PM by newfavourite | ||
| 3 May 08, 1:18 AM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
Ah, yes. That very thought had crossed my mind. The last 'my' is pretty much indelible. Thanks for the suggestions: I was hoping that you and Scribbles would cast your editorial eyes over the thing. These first drafts can nearly always be improved. Still, there's this nagging thought that by removing the other 'my's, I'm letting her go "I once made love to a female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle." - Dan Whitney | ||
| 3 May 08, 11:55 AM newfavourite UK(S), 4 yrs |
well if you love someone let them go...
Never mind the quality; feel the width | ||
| 3 May 08, 11:05 PM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
Hmm, maybe we should just view it as a dramatic monologue, shall we
The reason I'm reluctant to remove the 'my's is that they make the connection more intimate between the voice and the Archeress. I'm still open to persuasion, though. Welcome to this week's Poetry Club "I once made love to a female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle." - Dan Whitney |
Maybe you're right - I'll think about that - but I'm not sure. Don't worry, I doubt I'll write a poem about the 'Archers'. 'You & Yours' though ... now there's a thought ... * gets out notebook * "Neither a borrower nor a lender be ..." 
- if you see what I mean.