If it Makes You Happy.... (16)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Sun 20 Apr 08, 10:03 AM

If it makes you happy..... Then why the hell are you so sad.... (Cheryl Crow).

I'm not thinking about me actually but rather other people who touch my life. People who might spin a good talk about their happiness, write a good blog perhaps, but to me, their every word, written or spoken, screams out with sadness and confusion. People don't realise what their body language and words give away.

Added to which, I watched a film last night, bad choice.... but really good film, just very sad, it made me melancholy. Away from Her... It was about a woman (played brilliantly by the beautiful Julie Christie) falling under the hold of Alzheimer's. She insists, while still lucid, on going into a care home. The thing that struck home was the love between the couple, the husband's relentless desire to make her happy, yet initially underpinned by things he has taken from her to make him happy.

She falls in love with another man in the care home and forgets about her husband, doesn't know who he is when he visits. One day the husband is sat just watching her with this man, making sure she is happy and a teenager sits next to him thinking he is a resident too. When he explains what he's doing just sat there, he says to her, I am pathetic aren't I? No she says, if only I were so lucky. And suddenly you see, not broken relationships and illness, but a person's dedication and love for another. But dear god, he was so unhappy. It was an incredible film, the more I think about it the more complex it becomes, layer upon layer it touched. Relationships are hugely complex beasts. But I can't recommend it, unless you want your thoughts provoked and to be made unhappy for a while.

It's long been my philosophy to change my life to ensure I'm happy. I learned that lesson in my (once upon a time long long ago) marriage, where I threw my energies into making my husband, friends and family happy but disregarded my own happiness. I worked to make other people happy and from that did draw some happiness too, but didn't find emotional contentment nor sexual fulfilment. I didn't find an all round happiness and peace, that I do most certainly have nowadays. And actually.... as my long time readers will know..... Sexual fulfilment is very important to me. It's not a mistake I will make again.

And so yes I choose to live alone and carefully control my relationships with people. I enjoy a relationship with someone who carefully controls me. And enjoy relationships with people who carefully control themselves too..... Another reason why BDSM is a pivotal part of my sexual and emotional life.

Anyway.... I got talking yesterday about happiness and relationships and a good friend (augusta of the large attributes) made a good point.... or two... that actually in our lives, to make us happy, we need relationships with many people for many reasons. It is unrealistic to expect one person to fulfil all our needs and make us 100% happy. We have friends, family and intimate relationships that make up the whole. And that can mean, for some, the need for more than one intimate relationship. Different people give us different things. You can't deny it.

You have to wonder really why, in this supposed liberated day and age, is there still such pressure to live with one person, marry them and know no other. Isn't it unrealistic that your needs will be fulfilled in that way? Only recently a friend pondered in amazement at my happiness. Asked me outright, why do I live the way I do, accept what I accept? Like it was some kind of negative thing. Amazement and jealously perhaps at my happiness despite living outside of society's expected norm.

Yet here of all places, on an adult contact site, that breaks the norms and investigates sexuality to the nth degree......you'd hope to find people who understand and accept you for what you are and for living the way that makes you happy. I suppose in truth that sexual open-mindedness does not reflect any depth of thought about emotion or the complexity of intimate relationships.

Each to their own, is a philosophy I have held since being very young. I think it comes from attempts to indoctrinate me into the catholic faith and my refusal to believe that there was only one way, one word, blah blah. That goes for everything in life. There are always alternatives.

If it makes you happy.... it can't be that bad..........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yLnYO9gPMc

and by the way, Alzheimer's is more prevalent among those who are overweight.... I so need to get back on that diet....

Edited Sun 20 Apr 08, 10:07 AM by alexandraa

Replies

20 Apr 08, 10:10 AM
maihri
UK, 5 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
and by the way, Alzheimer's is more prevalent among those who are overweight.... I so need to get back on that diet....
You are leaning on an open door here- I phoned my sister yesterday and her hubby answered it. "Hello, R," I said, "Its...<long silence>" I'd forgotten my own name! Looks like its the diet again for me!
Maihri
"Without the darkness, how could we recognise the light?"

20 Apr 08, 10:18 AM
chartreuse
UK(BA), 2 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
and by the way, Alzheimer's is more prevalent among those who are overweight.... I so need to get back on that diet....
A wonderful blog...
With regard to the above... it only states that it is "more prevalent" in overweight people, it doesn't say that slim people don't get it.
Todays society has more overweight people in it so, of course, more people suffering with any illness are likely to be in the overweight group.
Lies, damn lies and statistics.....
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Edited 20 Apr 08, 10:19 AM by chartreuse

20 Apr 08, 10:25 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

chartreuse wrote:
Todays society has more overweight people in it so, of course, more people suffering with any illness are likely to be in the overweight group.
Lies, damn lies and statistics.....

Yes I was telling myself exactly the same thing, like most cars involved in accidents are red ones. Because most cars are red. And anyway, in the film everyone in the care home was skinny.
Funny that....
and thank you for the compliment re the blog!

Be careful what you wish for

20 Apr 08, 10:28 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

maihri wrote:
"Hello, R," I said, "Its...<long silence>" I'd forgotten my own name!
I'm with you on that too. Lately I've been forgetting words. Like English isn't my native language....
As a masochist surely I should enjoy dieting.....
Sob.
Be careful what you wish for

20 Apr 08, 10:43 AM
fen_fatale
UK(CB), 4 yrs
Fantastic blog! i don't think a film that i will opt to watch though, or at least not yet! Alzheimers is a very scary disease, although having worked with it very closely in the few experiences i have dealt with, i think it is so much more traumatic for the person on the outside, if you don't try to confuse the person by pulling them out of their own bubble of reality then they generally don't realise there is too much wrong in the advanced stages.
I wouldn't worry about the alzheimers and overweight link... as someone else says, i think its more a case of tweaking of the statistics, the same as the statistic that says about silver cars having more RTC's! and of course that would be accurate, there are more silver cars than any other on the roads! At work i have only got two with extreme alzheimers at present, and both are in the less than size 8 catagory and always have been, and of all of those i have looked after in my past, they have all been slimmer too. To try to prevent the effect of alzheimers you are better off having an hour a day on a sudoku puzzle than an hour on the treadmill It seems to be very common in people who have had very very intellectually challenging and stimulating jobs or lives, who have then hit retirement and not had any brain challenges thereafter, i think another reason why they keep pushing these brain training games for those of more mature years!
I also think its just a familial/genetic thing. Sadly both of my grandparents from each side of the paternal/maternal side had it, so i have a dread of what i both have to look forward to from my own parents and for my own distant future too. Needless to say, i bought my parents sudoku books and puzzles for Xmas this year.
And also while we are on the subject of old age; a glass of sherry or wine during the day (not the evening!) seems to do wonders for longevity! those that are lasting into their 90's and well beyond have all told me they have a single unit of alcohol at lunchtime and no more, and never later!
So go and get a puzzle book and a glass of wine at lunchtime and you should be fine
nuqDaq yuch Dapol? My Photography

20 Apr 08, 11:41 AM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs

fen_fatale wrote:
So go and get a puzzle book and a glass of wine at lunchtime and you should be fine

An excellent idea!!! Am off to Waterstones on Piccadilly as we speak. A book store with a bar what more can you want?

Be careful what you wish for

20 Apr 08, 12:45 PM
augusta
UK, 4 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
You have to wonder really why, in this supposed liberated day and age, is there still such pressure to live with one person, marry them and know no other. Isn't it unrealistic that your needs will be fulfilled in that way? Only recently a friend pondered in amazement at my happiness. Asked me outright, why do I live the way I do, accept what I accept? Like it was some kind of negative thing. Amazement and jealously perhaps at my happiness despite living outside of society's expected norm.

The concept of happiness is a bit of a slippery fish. I think you have to make a conscious effort to take stock, look at what you have and achieve, and acknowledge that yes, on the whole, you're happy. Contentment isn't static, it's fluid and fluctuates wildly and, to some extent, randomly. But if you have that inner core of contentment with yourself then those outside factors that might influence your mood won't necessarily impact on your fundamental sense of happiness.
Which sounds horribly preachy and sanctimonious, but the alternative is the kind of bitter blindness that prevents a person from ever finding peace, and would stop them recognising happiness if it came up and headbutted them between the eyes.

~ Snasserrfrasserrrrasserrrr ~

20 Apr 08, 2:33 PM
Scribbles
UK(RH), 16 mths
A very good blog. I strongly agree with the second part (or is it more the third?) - about not expecting one person to supply all one's needs, and perhaps to accept all one can offer. Nice theory; bit of a bugger to learn how to live it, but I hope I'll get there. (Edited to add: I mis-read "Different people give us different things" for different "meanings")
About the idea of happiness, and specifically about the pursuit thereof... I think very differently from you there. Perhaps we could agree on approach if we were to substitute different words, (eg main interests for happiness) but I don't think so. I have found that if I choose to focus on what I associate most closely with either of these, I end up with very hollow and transient satisfaction. I don't know myself well enough yet to express an alternative, although I can kind of feel the shape of it. It's more to do with watching the present moment and listening to my self. (Edited to add: I've just twigged. What we would agree on is not what we are following, or seeking, but that it is our own. Our own happiness, our own voice to listen to.)
I once read that happiness is a state that can only be remembered, never experienced in the present. I think consumerism, the cult of self-help, and certain shallow mis-understandings of religion can exacerbate this. I'd agree with Augusta that effectively counting your blessings regularly is a good idea.
Edited 20 Apr 08, 2:44 PM by Scribbles

20 Apr 08, 3:05 PM
PFLsAgain
UK, 3 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
You have to wonder really why, in this supposed liberated day and age, is there still such pressure to live with one person, marry them and know no other.
There's an interesting recent research study which has examined just that question. It is neatly summarised here.
It's worth a read through particularly for the contention in concluding paragraph that enforcement of monogamy, particularly in developing societies, does not serve the cause of equality between the sexes.
"I learned what every dreaming child needs to know - no horizon is so far that you cannot see above or beyond it." ~ Beryl Markham (first pilot to cross the Atlantic solo the hard way - East to West)

20 Apr 08, 3:41 PM
WhiteKnight1369
UK, 5 yrs

scribbles wrote:
I once read that happiness is a state that can only be remembered, never experienced in the present.
"I once read that happiness is a state that can only be remembered, never experienced in the present."
Thought I would share my thoughts on the above quote.I think that if you can actually be in the present and ask yourself whether you are happy in this moment then the answer may well be surprising. So often we associate our inner feeling of Well-Being with things outside ourselves, whether possessions or people.
The reality is that any-thing that "makes us happy" is surely an external projection of the internal feeling and searching outside ourselves for that "happiness" is an indication of how cut off from our own inner connection we are at this moment.
Some Men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. Marianne Williamson

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