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| blacksheepboy |
... the other night, I came out with some verse concerning the ruins of my most recently defunct relationship - as one does. Obviously, it's quite personal, but maybe it will find some resonance, so I'm posting it here. Although poems are often rather artful and hence not always to be trusted as a record of the writer's true feelings, this one says precisely what I felt; no more and no less. It may not be great art, therefore, but it is at least honest, which is another reason for sharing it here:
So you were Helen and I was Menelaus.
Ten years I fought to free your captive soul:
So sure was I the Gods would not betray us.
Where Trojan walls once stood I'd leave a hole
In which we'd bury dead kisses like seeds
And there dark twisted trees with tender fruit
Would raise their branches up to one who bleeds -
Not angrily but as Love's raw recruit.
Though peace from war is never likely to ensue,
My sails were set and sacrifices made.
How must the Gods have laughed when I withdrew:
These walls were mine to which the seige was laid
And when they fell I found no one within.
My love had gone and left me only skin.
*******
Well, that's it: unpolished and pretty much as it came out, all in one three-hour sitting.
* Edited 8th line to remove an unnecessary 'rather', following sugestions below.
Edited Tue 8 Jul 08, 1:30 AM by blacksheepboy
| 14 Apr 08, 11:15 AM newfavourite UK(S), 4 yrs  |
Thanks for sharing that. I think its very cathartic
to write about something soon after the experience.
It is four years since the break up of my relationship
and I still struggle to write about it, whereas I find
I can write pretty easily on just about any other subject.
Writer's block has never been more symbolic to me!
You fit into me like a hook into an eye- a fish hook/ an open eye (Margaret Atwood) | ||
| 14 Apr 08, 11:33 AM Scribbles UK(RH), 4 yrs |
Polishing looks unnecessary to me. And saying "oh good, well done" feels rather a naff response. It's like congratulating someone on a car crash, or rather on the accident report. But I bet it's a better poem than you would have written if you'd stayed happy, and better art than if you'd been more artful over it. | ||
| 14 Apr 08, 3:07 PM SemiTrainedApe UK, 4 yrs |
It looks like professional poetry. But delete the word "rather" I say. And try and make some money off it? It's not illegal if the monkey's up for it. | ||
| 14 Apr 08, 3:18 PM newfavourite UK(S), 4 yrs |
'The poem is in iambic pentameter form: each line has 10 syllables, except a couple of lines have more. That's why the 'rather' sticks out I think: it is 2 syllables too many' and that would have made me seem like a bit of a knob.
You fit into me like a hook into an eye- a fish hook/ an open eye (Margaret Atwood) | ||
| 14 Apr 08, 3:27 PM Scribbles UK(RH), 4 yrs |
I've never known a knob say that. Oh dear, I'd better go, I'm ruining the tone round here! | ||
| 14 Apr 08, 5:17 PM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
Thanks for the comments. I think you're right about deleting 'rather', but not only for metrical reasons. It's just superfluous. Actually, until reading your comments I hadn't realised quite how regular and iambic the metre was - it wasn't intentional at all - with the sole exception of the 5th line. Maybe it's too regular, but then again it gives the feeling of a procession, with a certain inevitability, and that might be appropriate. The sonnet form was chosen deliberately, though, for its irony given its traditional employment in love poetry. Anyway, it certainly is quite cathartic to commit feelings into words, be it prose, verse or whatever. Hopefully, the next thing I write will be about the intoxicating joy of new love - or lust!
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| 15 Apr 08, 11:16 AM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
Thanks, but I doubt there's much money to be made from poetry, which is probably a good thing. On the other hand, if I printed it out, dipped it in a bucket of piss and stapled it to Charles Saatchi's head, it would then be 'performance art' and although nobody would know or care if it was any good, someone would pay £20 million for it - just in case | ||
| 15 Apr 08, 11:35 AM blacksheepboy UK(CR), 4 yrs |
Thanks. But I should admit that not all the emotions associated with the end of this relationship are negative. It's just that the negative ones cry loudest for attention at certain moments. I found myself alone on a Saturday night for the first time in years, which threw the reality of separation into sharp relief. So perhaps it's not quite right to claim that the poem says everything I feel about the break-up, rather it was how I felt that evening. The feeling of disappointment was probably formeost, followed by some guilt and only then sadness.
In truth the relationship had become a burden to both of us - as I imagine the seige of Troy must have been to most of its participants * Edited to remove unnecessary details Edited 27 Apr 08, 8:00 PM by blacksheepboy | ||
| 10 Aug 08, 10:09 PM ms_chatelaine UK(SW), 4 yrs |
It's bloomin gorgeous, mate! Gobsmacked, me! Wish it were summit wot I wrote meself! (truly- and despite the pain it describes, which you no doubt felt very keenly. Thanks for sharing it.)  Edited 10 Aug 08, 10:11 PM by ms_chatelaine |
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