This post is on the Pro-Mistresses etc web board.
| Fri 21 Mar 08, 3:11 PM davey801 UK, 4 yrs |
Sorry to ask a stupid question but I'd be interested in some opinions. I'm in a long term relationship that I have no intention of leaving but it is completely vanilla and has no chance of changing on that front. I entered the relationship vanilla but over the last few years have understood more and more that I have a submissive side. I have looked into the BDSM world from outside (mainly online) and the more I look the more I now understand I have a submissive side that is hard to supress. SO the killer question is that if I am not going to leave my current relationship (out of the question) should I continue to supress my urges or would visiting a pro domme be acceptable? Do any of you see it as cheating on a partner even though it is not paying for sex? So far I have told myself it is not Ok but these feelings aren't going away. I'd be interested in any views. | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 4:15 PM SemiTrainedApe UK, 4 yrs  |
Only your girlfriend can answer this question. (ETA: Sorry, that's a bit abrupt - good luck if you do decide to have "The Conversation"!) I'll fiddle for the punters if you clean my cage. Edited 21 Mar 08, 4:17 PM by SemiTrainedApe | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 4:17 PM LacednLicked UK(WA), 4 yrs  |
I think its more a case of would your girlfriend class it as cheating? That is the key issue, is she aware of your interests but not that way inclined herself? or is she totally unaware? I am the ONLY person with my name in the UK!! | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 4:41 PM Tace_george UK(AB), 5 yrs |
Totally agree with that... If your on here asking "is it cheating" then you obviously see it as such, or at least something to be kept "secret" and secrets in long term relationships never stay that. would be interested in hearing your answer to LacednLicked questions. video meloira proboque deteroira sequor - I see the best and approve it yet pursue the worst... | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 6:12 PM Romola UK, 7 yrs |
If you couldn't tell her about it (and it reads as if you couldn't), it's cheating. Clearly, it's in your interest not to annoy other users of IC by felching the wanking barfs or weblogs with ads. | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 6:26 PM Suezeewong UK, 5 yrs £ |
Are you not cheating already in the relationship by not telling your young lady about your submissive feelings....as time goes by, those feeling may get stronger and harder to deal with. However, some people are unable to handle being told the truth. | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 6:37 PM Mistress_Susannah UK(SE), 7 yrs £ |
Yes it is cheating. But in these circumstances it also may be the best thing to do. I'm not someone who believes in monogomy...although I'm not naive enough to understand and respect those who do. Sometimes it may be better for your relationship to explore these areas of submission away from your partner without their knowledge. I'm saying "sometimes" because that really depends on you. Is it healthier for your relationship for you to have all consuming feelings of submission without being able to explore them....or would it be healthier for your relationship to explore them once in a while with a pro Domme but also deal with issues of guilt surrounding cheating on your partner. The choice is for you to decide. If your own moral stance won't allow you to cheat, then don't do it. The only certainty here is that if you do decide to go down that route, visiting a pro Domme is the safest way to do this....she won't text you at 2 in the morning, she won't have extra feelings and won't want anything more from the relationship than the session and the email/phone communication beforehand (and afterwards if needed). Good luck whatever you decide. | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 8:00 PM Penny_Louise 5 yrs |
Its a very difficult situation and one that many of my clients struggle with. My view is that if all other avenues have been explored, and the fetish is in danger of becoming obsessive, then using a pro is probably the best way of maintaining the relationship. There are many, many factors that should be taken into account though, before giving oneself permission to play away. One of the major ones I look for is the issue of sex within the existing relationship: often by the time to man is considering a pro, sex has become a thing of the past, and if this was her choice, then I tend to condone moving beyond the relationship to meet sexual needs. The concious decision to not have sex within the relationship is as much a choice as the decision to have sex elsewhere, and just as unfair (although safer) if one-sided. However, if the relationship has no value, and visiting a pro merely prolongs the agony, I then tend to counsel against it, and suggest that the driving force of sexual need should be harnessed to finish that relationship and move into a rewarding one. This often difficult step is the killer of so many potentially happy lives. So, search for the value of your relationship. If you find value, is visiting a pro going to increase that value or jeopardise it? If there is no value, why are you still there? Louise
Life coaching especially, but not only, for submissives. Domination only for submissives! Kinky Cottage Playrooms for hire, a great alternative to B+B. | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 8:29 PM vellan_drang 5 yrs |
Aren't you misreading the situation badly? Perhaps out of a text book? Mistresses who style themselves pro-Dommes do not, in the vast majority of cases, offer sex. That the tenor of play may be sexual is another matter entirely. If the OP has submissive needs, they may well be met by a pro-Domme; the OP made it clear, after all, that he wasn't about to wager his relationship. After that, the question as to whether it's cheating or not has to be answered by the two people directly involved; no-one else. v._dr
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| 21 Mar 08, 9:38 PM Miss_Lead UK(HP), 6 yrs |
davey that is such a difficult question for others to answer for you really. I guess if you do not speak with your partner re any issue then you are withholding information and not being honest. Then you have to wonder, do you therefore, live and suppress your desires because you experience submissive needs? It is a tough situation to be in and one I hope you find a way around. The feelings could grow stronger, I wish you well with your choices.
"Everyone is a potential naked slave to you once you become a trainer". | ||
| 21 Mar 08, 11:43 PM MSDB321 UK(LN), 6 yrs |
I tend to agree....I always viewed my pro-domme sessions as something totally seperate and different from sex ie making love. bdsm set a whole different set of sensations going. I never met one pro-domme who offered sex anyway so I never felt it was cheating. It was just experiencing different sensations and fulfilling a masochistic need. We had plenty of sex in the marriage, it was just at first that my wife did not feel she could dominate me and be "sadistic". MET Pain & Pleasure
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