Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Aggression in Doms (85)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

11 Mar 08, 3:36 PM
siouxdoo
UK(ME), 4 yrs

Consensual aggression can be a huge sexual turn-on for me. Even slightly nasty spiteful behaviour - but its hard sometimes to keep the lines unblurred perhaps.

11 Mar 08, 4:32 PM
lick2spank
UK(RG), 5 yrs

firescorpio wrote:
Aggression in Doms

This might be a bit of a sensitive topic but I like to ask people for their advice, suggestions, experiences. I love a strong, firm, confident Dom but find myself repeatedly faced with Doms that are aggressive (verbally, physically, emotionally) in vanilla situations.

Its not their place to be aggressive with you, tell your dom about it. In my opinion it is his place to make it clear that this kind of attitude is not acceptable.

11 Mar 08, 4:34 PM
lick2spank
UK(RG), 5 yrs

Marmite wrote:
Mostly it is ego satisfaction on their part,they're proving a point of being a Dominant.

Its a bit sad really. If you have real self confidence this kind off expression is not needed. Its basically rude and rudeness is the tool of the lowly.

11 Mar 08, 4:59 PM
KittyDelight
4 yrs

sefaslave wrote:
Consensual aggression can be a huge sexual turn-on for me. Even slightly nasty spiteful behaviour - but its hard sometimes to keep the lines unblurred perhaps.

If consensual aggression is something you both wish to do then a fair bit of talking and understanding is needed to make sure the 'sensual' stays in consensual.

To limit the chances of someone abusing your trust and surrender I would personally recommend that the questioner puts forward some limits to begin with to her new partner and ALSO more importantly takes things more slowly with a new partner.

There seems to be this 'ideal' in the bdsm world that if you find the right partner then it will happen within a weekend and all that rose petals with things going perfectly etc... Yes I am not denying it can happen but a lot relationships which last, take time to develop into the fully satifying partnership.

11 Mar 08, 5:30 PM
Degenerate

UK(M), 5 yrs

definitely - and hours of negotiation and talking and then re negotiation as boundaries change - it's a continual process.

Roses are red, bruises are blue, masochists are sweet, and I love you.
Ian Stanton tune : "You got a chip on your shoulder... you got a bad attitude.. is it any wonder people treat you the way they do..? you really should be grateful for all we do for you.. and be a quiet little crip without a chip.."

12 Mar 08, 3:30 PM
crimbo_clitpump
UK(WV), 4 yrs

i would agree assertive is a million miles from agression its about self control some people who dont have that degree of self control should made look inside thems selves as to if the life style is for them.

12 Mar 08, 9:08 PM
just_m
UK(BS), 5 yrs

I have done so

Actually part of the purpose of me publishing this thread was exactly that!

a1frenchy wrote:
Definitely a good idea

Masters_Delight wrote:

firescorpio wrote:

At the moment, I am just embarking on a new adventure with a Dom and as one of you shared, I'm afraid he will have to deal with some messy baggage... I can feel my submissive nature being drawn to this new dominant authority and craving to give myself 100% but I'm confused and cautious because of my experiences. I wish I was free, pure and innocent like a new-born baby so He could just form me and mold me into the perfect sub...

Maybe steer your new Dom to this thread or sit him down and talk to him about your fears. Talking and getting things off your chest works wonders. It lets the other person know where you are coming from.

12 Mar 08, 9:23 PM
just_m
UK(BS), 5 yrs

Correction: when we don't play. But this just shows that often I dont see D/s play as the "real life" but rather a moment in time and space, artificially created by new rules that don't apply in "real life", where an environment has been established that is safe and controlled (at least by my Dom) as to give us a platform from which we can realize our dark fantasies and deviant desires. Props, roles, toys, clothes, language are premeditated to fulfill a particular purpose, they are not just random but meant to make us tap into our subconciousness, our fears, our desires, our dreams, our hidden fantasies...no, this is not real life, justchris...

justchris wrote:

firescorpio wrote:
is it that the D/s dynamic was so powerful / addictive that they used it in real life against me as well?

Do you not see d/s as real life?

12 Mar 08, 10:57 PM
Ishmael
UK(SE), 12 yrs

I'd have thought agression*between* doms might be just as prevailant.

Quo vix attingent Foederati punire possumus
www.the-firm.org

12 Mar 08, 11:59 PM
LusciousVampire
UK(NW), 4 yrs

ClaudiaVX wrote:

That is not a Dom, that's a man who likes abusing women and a mysognist and stay well clear of it. I can see it now all over National newspapers, I am not a wife beater, I am a Dom, she liked it, loved it in fact, so that is me out the guilt factor.

Unfortuantly all too many men like that and genuine dominant males who take it as caring and respect will get tarred with the same brush.

Likewise genuine dominant females get tarred with the perception by so called wannabe dommes who request you to buy you shoes and treat you like a piece of dirt and think that subs will love that (they don't)

Also subs who throw themselves at your feet declaring undying worship when all they want is to get their rocks off whether you be Mistress Lana/Clara/Milana/Cassandra.

BDSM has no secret values or is above the rest of humanity in the personalities it attracts. It is the person behind it, not their kinks that you have to be sure of.

I have been looking around on IC, reading various posts for quite awhile now. I've read many of the responses to this initial post and I really loved what you had to say ClaudiaVX. Your words moved me to comment.

It is true that ultimately it is the person, and their intentions towards you, that you have to be sure of.

No matter your kink, or if you view yourself as vanilla, Dom/me, sub, etc... put yourself first when getting to know someone with whom you are going to be having any type of exchange.

As others have said, if something seems wrong in any way, heed that and deal with it as soon as possible; whether that means stopping everything and having a chat with your partner so your needs are understood or getting out entirely.

It is my belief that, ultimately, you have to take care of yourself first. Gradually your partner should earn your trust through his/her actions, by working within negotiations made and agreed upon by all involved.

I also liked the comment from someone, I cannot recall the poster (apologies), but they said, what they do, comes from a place of Love. I think that's great.

From what it sounds like, the guy in question should be made aware of your needs because, as someone else also said, any Dom/me worth your time would feel absolutely awful to know that what they had been doing was something that made you feel like your boundaries had been crossed in a non-consensual manner.

Take care all.

~LV

Next page