Posted by janiya
on Thu 6 Mar 08, 8:52 AM to janiya's blog.
The moment i knew that Thomas was never going to wake up again, i locked my heart. You know those types of super-duper locks that bring down the cost of home insurance... 5 hinged bolted things or something. Locked! Nothing coming in but more importantly nothing coming out. All the feelings i had for Thomas i wanted to preserve in my heart... never wanting them to fade nor disappear.
Over the last couple of months (i can't believe time has passed so quickly) i have fought to keep these feelings and memories fresh and clear, but as time passes this becomes more and more difficult. I will never forget him, but i think now it is OK that i can't recall exactly what i spoke to him about at specific times. I do have some very, very clear memories that will never leave me however. I still feel a physical tension in my heart when i think about my feelings for him. It physically still hurts, but again over time it is lessening.
I am grieving for him and my loss of a partner. I'm no longer holding back on the tears and the associated feelings. I'm also in the position of making life choices once again. Yes it scares me... how do i decide what the 'right' thing to do is? Listen to my heart... listen to my head... listen to other people... roll a dice and take a chance? The hardest/biggest decision i have is whether or not to stay in Sweden. Do i perservere with learning the language and hope that in twelve months i find a job or have to return penniless to the UK? Do i keep the apartment here (very reasonable) but come back and work in the UK? Do i 'give up, defeated' and return to the UK?
I'm really struggling to make these decisions and keep hoping that fate will point me in the right direction.
x
| 6 Mar 08, 9:36 AM Prunesquallor UK(RG), 7 yrs |
When you suffer a bereavement like this, it is a long time before you become stable enough to make major decisions. This was something I discovered, when I made some decisions that I would never normally have made. Give it as long as possible before you make any major changes in your life, and if you have to make big changes, try to find someone you can trust to advise you. |
