Frigid (81)

I never claim to speak for everyone. I can only speak from my own experience and opinions, which is what these boards are for. Just because you've read one of my ramblings on a blog doesn't make you an expert on my life, or what I happen to do in my spare time.

This is the point that's bugging me more than anything. Please point out where I said there was EVER anything wrong with anything that she said.

She does say that she's young, but my point is that age isn't in proportion to experience. The Wikipedia comment was quite tongue in cheek btw.

I'm no more an expert on life than you are. It's just common sense.

Again, you can't claim that. You don't know me, nor do you know the ages of my previous partners.

Finally, a point we agree on. I have nothing against the OP at all. I wonder why you think I do. Her profile is well thought-out, intelligent and eloquent.

As for your final point. I think you of all people can't claim to be innocent when posting snippy little comments to other people's opinions.

Again, I can only reiterate my first point, which is that I can only speak for myself. I know what it was like when I made those tentative steps into a world where it seemed everyone knew what they were doing apart from me, and some people seem very quick to point the finger at the age that you are. I hate the age debate, purely because I've been on one particular side of it, and it sucks.

If you hate a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. http://obliterarti.wordpress.com/

It was hardly hijacking. I didn't want her (or anyone else for that matter) thinking that because she's young it immediately equates to being 'frigid'.

I did memo her, I just chose not to advertise that fact on the boards.

If you hate a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. http://obliterarti.wordpress.com/

All i can advice is not to get so worked up on this issue, the most important thing is to relax. Your sexual journey will not be plain sailing there will be pitfalls, setbacks and heartaches.

Like anything in life when you first try something new you are going to feel a bit anxious and nervous, of course you will do things wrong and look like a fool this is only natural. You should never be scared to try.

Like others have said on this thread your first time will not be like a Hollywood movie or read like a Mills & Boon novel, more than likely it will be not be great and you will ask yourself, is this it! !.

You should not feel discouraged, i know when i first started my sexual journey i felt completely lost did not how to express myself, felt shy and generally awkward, eventually you will get over your shyness.

Rome is not built in a day, you will not become a sexual Goddess overnight, you have to do a lot of work yourself to build up your confidence so that you feel at ease.

You need to find someone who is understanding, who you can relate to, have good communication with and build trust. When your with your partner do not be afraid to experiment, try different things and see what works. It will be a case of trial and error.

Apologies for the snip - this was a great piece of advice.

Worrying about getting everything right first time can cause lots of anxiety (and have very obvious consequences on mood leading to problems of the "frigid" nature.)

i'm not sure this is actually frigidity, just perfectly normal, early relationship anxieties.

Ultimately it helps if you go into things expecting to have fun, that it isn't and shouldn't be deadly serious always (and yes, i accept that some scenes require an element of fear etc.) In my experience, however (and i'm talking experience which has nothing to do with my age) some of the best scenes i've had as both a bottom and a top have been the ones that haven't gone entirely to plan, with people who can smile or laugh about that. There is a certain intimacy that really can't be reached when people take themselves too seriously. Personally i'd feel far more relaxed with someone who is not so up themselves that they try to convince me that tripping over their own feet is all part of the scene

lili x

"Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends." (Dawn Adams)

lili wrote: they try to convince me that tripping over their own feet is all part of the scene lili x

Have you been watching again lili?

Of course things go wrong from time to time. I remember watching a clip on Kink.com and even the pro's get it wrong. After a mishit the Dominant in question told the submissive that BDSM was a human activity and so long as it has humans actively participating then mistakes will happen. You acknowledge them, fall about laughing sometimes and go back and do it all over again.

Start slowly, as capi always tells me, you don't eat an elephant in one bite and you have the whole of your life to work out what is just right for you. Hell girl, I'm still finding out in my 40s! (and I still make mistakes)

So take it easy, don't worry about getting it wrong because we all do, relax and enjoy.

I'm in my own world. It's Ok, they know me here.

Edited 26 Feb 08, 7:54 AM by nurseblade

Jump.

Suffice to say that loveless play with my first partner nearly messed me up for life (mentally and physically!) because we went to some very intense places, fear-wise, but never had the actual tenderness towards each other that, in my opinion, should underpin all play (must re-emphasise the ''in my opinion'').

Find someone special who deserves the gift you have to offer, then you might find it much easier to give.

'the queerest of the queer, the strangest of the strange' - Shirley Manson
'Ich bin ein schones Zweigeschlecht!' - Rammstein
'The universe is vast, beautiful and appalling' - Aldous Huxley

But I don't think it's at all 'the same kind' of apprehensions. Of course, at any age, people can worry about 'fucking up', 'doing things wrong' etc. But at age 18, it feels like a disaster area, whereas later on life's journey it's more a shoulder shrug or a wry smile - "not the first mistake I've made ... and it won't be the last."

It's not age, as such, that is the divider; it's more the stage one has reached in the maturing of one's psyche. Having said that, in contemporary Western culture, at age 18 one has no choice but to be mired in the youthful imperative to strike out in life, feel "grown up" and to establish an identity of one's own. Note - "establish an identity", as distinct from "find out who you really are", the latter being reserved for the mid-life crisis. It's a curious feature of the human psyche that the period from young adulthood to middle age is spent with a sort of 'adopted' persona that is later seen to have been only a provisional stab at the who-am-I question; but such is Life.

It's this youthful imperative to establish a self-identity that makes 'fucking up', 'doing things wrong' etc seem like such a disaster area.

Yes, it's constant exploration; but the person doing the exploring was not the same person at 18 as s/he is at 78, and 'making sense' is seen differently as well.

Trying to understand what's being offered might be more helpful to the OP.

Hells_Bells wrote: and note that it's only ever people who are too old to get in your pants who will bring it up.

Of course. It will inevitably be people who see you as too young to be able to offer what they are looking for sexually who will have the perspective to try to illuminate to you that life's journey has distinct phases. Or do the young hold all the sexual Aces? Well, of course, they don't - which is where the OP came in ...

You have to remember why you want to have sex.....

It's not a competition, no one sits in judgement, if you're having sex with someone else, they will count themselves lucky just to be with you, not to judge you,

It's probable that these fears are deeper than sex, because sex tends to get to the heart of what's going on in your subconscious.

It sounds like you might have a general concern about what you're doing not being good enough. Maybe worth having a bit of counselling and exploring your confidence and what is it inside you that is criticising yourself so much?

Sex needs to be a time when you play, have fun, let yourself go, enjoy being with someone else. If you have someone you don't feel like that with, then don't have sex with them - you have to feel totally comfortable in someone's company, with no clothes on, before you have sex with them.