Theory: Why Dommes are scarce. (95)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

22 Feb 08, 9:36 AM
Original_Rebel
UK(CT), 8 yrs

S_C_V_1 wrote:
Are they rare? I've never really noticed. I think that if a male (or female) sub is polite, intelligent, makes an effort to be sociable, has a sense of humour, proves themselves to be a nice person first and a sub second, and doesn't show themselves to just be desperate (Dommes talk to each other and can spot a mass-memoist), then they will come to the attention of Dommes.

Very well put Have to say i totally agree with you
Her will be done

22 Feb 08, 10:45 AM
Degenerate
UK(M), 3 yrs

Tanos wrote:

Bitchy wrote:
But I have to say, god, all this craptastic sociobiology stuff is depressing to see.
Some people found the idea that the earth rotates too scary to accept. We don't get to pick and choose reality according to what ideas feel comfortable.

But really, if you must go there, all arguments for no dominant women because of hard wired nonsense *would* *also* *apply* *to* *submissive* *men*.
"No dominant women"? People who are right do not need to set up strawman arguments to knock down.
As to the number of submissive men, one major complaint that dominant women have made here over the years is that submissive men (as opposed to men who want to be treated in a particular way until they come) are hard to find...
Tanos

This is sooo true Tanos!
I think that the balance in reality (ie offline and in the world of what is really happening) is not as far out as people think. I think a lot of internet traffic is wank traffic. Even a proportion of those we see in the community real time is wank traffic. I totally agree that the amount of males actually able to be genuinely submissive (as opposed to having a wind up domme do something to them which is erotic for them and culminates in some kind of sex) isn't much different to women in the same position.
I met more submissive men who are actually submissive before I entered the scene, as I am a naturally dominant creature who attracts that type of character. I prefer to do it in a considered way, and I am kinky. so here I am in the community.
Yes a lot of the scene as a whole if we take into account what is visible is taken up by people out for a sexual thrill. I would guess that the proportion of dominant females getting exactly what they want from their male partners (sexually or otherwise) in private behind closed doors is most likely way higher than it appears in the scene (bear in mind how many of us here have probably been kinky or dom/sub for years and years before we even became aware of a scene or fetish or what BDSM is - and then before getting the balls to come and meet the community).
Power is sexy - power and its movement is always present in all relationships (intimate or not). We (the BDSM community) did not invent it, nor did we invent D/s although long time ago people began to give things names and set some standards we may or may not follow if they suit us.
Yes I agree gender plays a part, I think women are socially conditioned into subservience and men into being powerful - at the same time and quite possibly because of that, lots of us choose to either enhance that consentingly into a super hot romanticised idea of male dom and kink, or for some of the rest of us., to be excited by the irony of turning this on it's head and being excited by the reverse of this. But this is about nonconsentual social conditioning and the farce of assigned gender roles, not something inherently biological. i would even suggest that mens muscle skills were never designed to denote superiority, but ability to fetch and carry ... if we're going to try using genetics as a marker we can make up anything we bloody want LOL. the point is that's irrelevant really I think.
I doubt if we could survey those who practice in private we'd find the figures to be that far out, or the concept of a bossy wife and a henpecked husband would not be social stereotypes. Off the top of my head I'd say half the 'vanilla' people I know are dominant females and I see their males behave in a submissive fashion.
I definitely agree with all those who say it would be nice for people in wider society to know that it's not as rare as they think.
I think what may well happen is it does serve certain people's interests to perpetuate the idea that dominant women are hard to find. I have tended to assume that those are the women who end up picking up the wankers when they can be bothered to get their money out. and good on 'em for finding a use for these creatures which can leave everyone feeling satisfied!!
I realise some people here who's interest is primarily in kinky sex may find my message a little challenging, but simply I think it's a farce to pretend there's not a difference between people who are primarily looking for kinky sex and those who want to actually be involved in real D/s (and this thread is about dommes, not people who want to get others off by dressing up). This is most likely the reason many of us wouldn't offer sex to men, it's a superfast way of weeding out the ones who aren't in it for submission. There's a big difference between us not offering sex to men as 'part of being a domme' and never doing it. The whole point of being a domme as opposed to something else is we are doing D/s... something sex may or may not be part of, but is not an inherent requirement and being told it should be does nothing to enhance ones feeling of dominance (its ridiculous actually!!).
personally as to whether someone is a good domme or not for offering sex, it's bollocks - theres plenty of men who dont offer sex either (where's me mate strangeangle! also i think it's harder to focus on domination when your mind has dropped to your genitals anyway. The point is it's ok for people to do it either way as long as they are well matched. for the dom/me who expects and wants sex as part of their arrangement - great. for those of us who don't - great. what I dont understand is why anyone would want to be having a go at those of us who dont (unless they are narked cos they can't find a shag!). if the profile says Domme not kinky sex provider - just move on and let the boys near who are really looking for a domme, stop wasting their airtime! and to be honest if what people are really after is sex and they cant get it here, why dont they just try the usual vanilla places other men go to find a shag? If I were in this for sex, it would be far easier and I just wouldn't bother skilling myself up, getting equipment etc, I'd go to the local pub and find cock (or cunt).
erm. just a bit of a rant there
I sorta only joined the thread to say I AGREE!!!
De
Roses are red, bruises are blue, masochists are sweet, and I love you.

22 Feb 08, 10:54 AM
HisHoliness
UK(KT), 4 yrs

Degenerate wrote:
...erm. just a bit of a rant there...
I'm guessing you did the whole 'Public Speaking' and 'declamation' competition thing at school / uni.
Or you're an MP (Nah, you can't be an MP, you actually had something interesting to say).
Saint Severin, the benchmark by which purity, holiness & normality are measured.
Your Pontiff elect has spoken. Now go about your business. Bless you.
DIY Pope~Pope Chart~Be Pope

22 Feb 08, 11:01 AM
Ms_Tytania
UK(E), 4 yrs

verte wrote:
Plenty on submissive/masochist males and what they desire from dominant women, but very, very little on dominant women as autonomous sexual beings. Which is an essay in itself.
It is indeed! Because according to too much "theory" and "research", we are only a figment of the imagination of sub and masochist males. We don't exist. And if we do, it's because we've been brainwashed into becoming a living sexual fantasy for the boys. Autonomous sexual being and female? Those thinking heads can't get theirs round that concept yet... and many of those who write, lecture and ponder, are women too. Oh, well...
Cultivate your inner whore
Edited 22 Feb 08, 11:02 AM by Ms_Tytania

22 Feb 08, 11:02 AM
Degenerate
UK(M), 3 yrs

S_C_V_1 wrote:

Degenerate wrote:
...erm. just a bit of a rant there...
I'm guessing you did the whole 'Public Speaking' and 'declamation' competition thing at school / uni.
Or you're an MP (Nah, you can't be an MP, you actually had something interesting to say).
tee hee
sort of right and sort of wrong.
I'm not telling cos it's more mysterious....
De
(honest, imagine I'm like, super glamorous and exciting, it's more fun ... in reality I am just a waffle-pants ;-D )
Roses are red, bruises are blue, masochists are sweet, and I love you.

22 Feb 08, 11:07 AM
HisHoliness
UK(KT), 4 yrs

Degenerate wrote:
...in reality I am just a waffle-pants...
You see now my comments are just going to degenerate (you see what i did there) into something about your pants.
Oh - or Waffles
Saint Severin, the benchmark by which purity, holiness & normality are measured.
Your Pontiff elect has spoken. Now go about your business. Bless you.
DIY Pope~Pope Chart~Be Pope

22 Feb 08, 11:07 AM
Purrverse
UK(E), 4 yrs
I think a lot of Domme women prefer to be outside of the scene. At least a lot of the ones I know. I suspect this is in part because a lot of scene events expect one to dress up, which can be one of the issues:
-some women don't feel comfortable dressing sexy out of their home
-some women can't be bothered to squeeze into latex every time they want to go out
-some women don't feel sexy in the seemingly requisite fetish clothes
For example, there are Top women I know who prefer jeans and a tank- that makes them feel hot. That won't fly at a fetish gig, so they don't go (or they play at gay male oriented places)
It can also be the attitude of male submissives. I find a lot of male submissives are more interested in me acting out their fantasy for free than being submissive to me. That's fine, but I think if you're expecting me to put a lot of work into playing out your fantasy without a lot of my input, then you should pay me like a pro.
I'm getting into my Domme groove myself. I don't advertise that fact much because I prefer playing with women and most of the attention one gets is male, and since I find more people are willing to try being submissive in some capacity, I can just date and work out the kinky details later.
I don't go to clubs because I can't afford to have a fetish wardrobe, I can't be bothered to go to a fetish club I can't have sex at, and I'm nervous about being criticized by people about my method of play. Yup- while I've taken the classes, and can do it safely, most people can swing a flogger better than I can. While at home what matters is the sensation and the fun we're having, I'm afraid that going out to scene tends to invite people to tell you how you're doing it wrong (not unsafely, that I understand- but if you're playing for sensation and not for performance value, I'll tie someone up the fastest, if not fanciest, way). So part of it comes down to comfort- I don't really feel super comfortable in fetish gear. And part of it comes down to fear of judgment. Most of it is just I can't be bothered. I'm sure someone else must feel the same, so that probably cuts down on people saying they're Domme.
And I also agree with what others have said about being willing to play with a sub but not have sex with them- I think that's perfectly valid. Most of the submissives who have contacted me on alt, for example, want anal play. I have no interest forming a relationship with a sub based on anal play. Pony play, maybe.
Most men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
Edited 22 Feb 08, 11:09 AM by Purrverse

22 Feb 08, 11:12 AM
Purrverse
UK(E), 4 yrs

Deviant_Mind wrote:
I meant from the point of view of a primary partner. A Domme by definition has a sub as a primary partner. Those that don't fuck sub men, are bad dommes in my opinion. At least for primary partner material from a sub point of view.
My primary partner and I don't always have sex- in fact, we're pretty platonic at the moment. But then, we're together because we make good partners, if not always good lovers- that's why we have an open relationship.
Most men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.

22 Feb 08, 11:26 AM
Lady_in_training
UK(PA), 4 yrs
I love it when we go back to the convert the vanillas. That is what makes sub men think that their girlfriends will suddenly change overnight.
Wii's are like buses you wait months for one and then two come along.

22 Feb 08, 11:56 AM
sirguym
UK(HR), 4 yrs

verte wrote:
In my experience, many dominant men are shit scared of dominant women. There is plenty psychoanalysis has to say about this, but the idea of the dominant sexual female has generally been associated with degeneration in the past. I'm not sure if that's changing.
None of this explains why there are so few dominant women on the scene. Researching femdom last semester, I found an almost total lack of material on the subject. Plenty on submissive/masochist males and what they desire from dominant women, but very, very little on dominant women as autonomous sexual beings. Which is an essay in itself.
Personally I really love their company, so long as they accept me as an equal, as I accept them for what they are. Of equal standing, but a different gender. As most do.
Of course, if they come the 'I'm a haughty domme, kneel at my feet!' line, then I call their bluff and ignore them, but most experienced domme women are fun people to be around.
Academy Incorporated: turning fantasy into reality Miss Prim's Muir Academy, Muir Academy For Maids, The Academy Club and The Tawsingham Society: fast friendly, helpful, discreet service, with integrity www.tawse.com www.muir-academy.com guy@tawse.com PO Box 135, Hereford, HR2 7WL, UK +44(0)143

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