Theory: Why Dommes are scarce. (95)

This post is on the Other BDSM web board.

21 Feb 08, 9:07 PM
Ishmael
UK(EN), 10 yrs
And there was me thinking that after the whole internet thing had happened, the playing field might be getting a bit more level, and since it hasn't, that suggests an intrinsic problem.
You see I don't know that a male demonstrating all the aspects of submission is as attractive *at a purely animal level* as one demonstrating dominance, and I think the animal in us is a lot stronger than we often like to admit.
The female animal thinks 'Ah, this one's big and strong and brave; if another male tries to rape me and murder my children, he will protect me, wheras that little shy one over there, while he looks kinda cute is unlikely to be much cop when the bad guys from the next valley show up'.
Obviously we're a little more sophisticated nowadays, witness that around 1600, a little guy, who was kinda cute, despite his hair loss, was attempting to beat the doxies off with a shitty stick with one hand, while writing the sonnets that implied that he was an impassioned yet tender and inventive lover with the other. I've no idea if he was also a submissive, but he created some fantastic fem-dom characters - Regan, Cleopatra (yeah she was real, I know), Titania, Katherina...
On the other hand, more recently, one woman I know hooked up with the biggest meanest-looking guy she could find for all the 'I want him to protect me' reasons, and he was very protective of her - sometimes he wouldn't let her out of the house. So we don't always learn.
There's every danger of this whole thing getting very patronising and negative, but actually I think the sollution is actually fairly simple. Rather than trying to find partners that are on The Scene already, sub men should be looking outside of it.
If you want somebody that treats you as her personal, private sex-slave, the very least you can do is treat her like a princess, and that probably includes sweeping her off her feet, which can be tricky if you start off on your knees.
Quo vix attingent Foederati punire possumus
www.the-firm.org
Edited 21 Feb 08, 9:08 PM by Ishmael

21 Feb 08, 9:07 PM
skyfox
UK(EH), 3 yrs

Mistress_Hypatia wrote:
However, this is population thinking. On average men are more aggressive and dominant, and on average women tend to be more submissive and nurturing. However, biology being the messy business that it is, you get a minority of men who are more submissive, and a minority of women who are dominant.
We now have the luxury, in our modern society, of allowing individuals to choose their role according to their personal tastes regardless of biology, (thank goodness) but there is still a lot of gender stereotyping, further enforcing the above biological divisions. So not only does this enforce and possibly exaggerate the disparity between sub women and domme women, but the concomitant social conditioning that nice girls stay at home but it's OK for lads to go out on the tiles means that as a separate issue women are less likely to seek out the public BDSM scene and therefore stand up to be counted.

There is actually something to what you're saying there, in as far as I've heard, anyway. Someone, it may have been Stoller, said once that men have more rigid sexualities than women. So that if a man is presented with a sexually "good" idea (whatever the idea is) at a young age, he will latch onto it and it will become a fetish. Women, however, don't latch onto things as much as men to automatically make them a fetish. Women can be convinced that a sexuality is good. As you said above, most women are taught to obey and be good, so femsub fits that to a T. Dommes, I personally think, today run the risk of appearing as a Dominatrix sexless whore, which few women want to subscribe to. Power, yes, but at the risk of loss of respect from the general public? (I'm not making generalisations here that Dommes are whores, mind you, but I could see how the concept might contradict society's common conceptions of a "proper" woman.)
My proposed solution? Get more good Dommes into the public eye to show that not all women dominants sell themselves. And, also, sub men should look for vanilla women and teach them to be Dommes. Most women could be Dommes, they just need to be encouraged.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

21 Feb 08, 9:10 PM
sirguym
UK(HR), 4 yrs

My hypothesis is that if anyone is reasonable well socialised, solvent, personable, level headed, non-judgmental, self-aware, mature, reasonably good-looking, unprejudiced, clean in your person and whatever good things people look for in a life partner, (and it will vary from person to person of course), then if you want a primary relationship you've already got one. Or maybe you had one and you'll have one again soon. Or maybe you just don't want one now. But you are not going to get desperate about it, because you know it will happen in good time.
But most of the "male subs actively looking for a domme" on collarme and here are desperate. You just have to look at their profiles. They seem prepared to worship anybody with a pulse and tits. Too many are poorly socialised, illiterate, completely unaware of how realistic their desires are or how they come across. Hopeless cases who are only going to get anything if they pay for it; and even then most pro-dommes won't bother with them a second time.
(That is incidentally my theory about why so many of them get so vituperative about pro-dommes - they can't even get to pay for play with the same lady twice! They find having to pay embarrassing enough, then finding they enjoy it, but the lady won't see them again really screws up their anger.)
The odds are not that bad for a 'good' male sub or slave. They will find someone fairly soon. I have seen it happen many times; the ladies are out there. They are just not actively seeking, because they don't need to, sooner or later the right target will cross their sights.
As for the rest, they have to sort their lives out, get solvent, get savvy, get clean, learn to spell, punctuate, write more than a sentence in a message, and all the good stuff involved in how to be a gentleman and not a slob.
(Edited, because even my spelling is not quite perfect yet!)
Academy Incorporated: turning fantasy into reality Miss Prim's Muir Academy, Muir Academy For Maids, The Academy Club and The Tawsingham Society: fast friendly, helpful, discreet service, with integrity www.tawse.com www.muir-academy.com guy@tawse.com PO Box 135, Hereford, HR2 7WL, UK +44(0)143
Edited 21 Feb 08, 9:25 PM by sirguym

21 Feb 08, 9:11 PM
Jahc99
UK, 3 yrs
£

Deviant_Mind wrote:
Theory: Why Dommes are scarce.
What's your theory?
My theory isn't a theory.
Women who enjoy being dominant are quite numerous. They just get fucked off with people constantly inventing theories about why they are scarce.
why poison your liver when I could eat it for you?

21 Feb 08, 9:26 PM
Ishmael
UK(EN), 10 yrs

sirguym wrote:
As for the rest, they have to sort their lives out, get solvent, get savvy, get clean, learn to spell, punctuate, write more than a sentence in a message, and all the good stuff involved oin how to be a gentleman and not a slob.
Arf arf arf!
I said that.

Quo vix attingent Foederati punire possumus
www.the-firm.org

21 Feb 08, 9:27 PM
Elysium
UK(EH), 3 yrs

Ok, advise to sub men. Get out of the scene, it will eat you.
Stop watching porn, it is nothing like that.
Hone your interpersonal skills in the real world. Improve your kinkdar. Then convert a nilla woman.
That leads me to wonder how many people on the scene were introduced to this by a partner.

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." - Albert Schweitzer.

21 Feb 08, 9:40 PM
Original_Rebel
UK(CT), 8 yrs

Deviant_Mind wrote:
Hone your interpersonal skills in the real world. Improve your kinkdar. Then convert a nilla woman.
That leads me to wonder how many people on the scene were introduced to this by a partner.

My former long term Domme was vanilla when i met her and she turned into a Super Domme
The Domme i was with before that i met as a vanilla contact and had no idea she was an experienced Domme.
It works people it works
Her will be done

21 Feb 08, 9:43 PM
Mistress_Hypatia
UK, 3 yrs

Ishmael wrote:
And there was me thinking that after the whole internet thing had happened, the playing field might be getting a bit more level, and since it hasn't, that suggests an intrinsic problem.
You see I don't know that a male demonstrating all the aspects of submission is as attractive *at a purely animal level* as one demonstrating dominance, and I think the animal in us is a lot stronger than we often like to admit.
The female animal thinks 'Ah, this one's big and strong and brave; if another male tries to rape me and murder my children, he will protect me, wheras that little shy one over there, while he looks kinda cute is unlikely to be much cop when the bad guys from the next valley show up'.

The internet would only make a difference if the imbalance between the various flavours of BDSMer was a result of difficulty in communication; after all, the internet merely makes it easier to get in touch with other people who are kinky - it doesn't create more kinky people. The internet has increased the absolute size of the scene, so the number of dommes has gone up - but the number of everything else has gone up proportionately as well.
To think that the advent of the internet would increase the proportion of dommes to male subs presupposes that female dommes were less able to find the BDSM scene on their own without it being made easy for them.
And the 'big strong male = good father = more desirable' is generally why dominant males are seen as, in general, more desirable. However, not all women think that way - women are individuals, not a homogenous category.
I've noticed that there are two types of domme -
1) the dominant woman, who actually goes for men who are submissive to her (in an attractive way, not an icky can-I-lick-your-boots-mistress way) because she naturally prefers to be the dominant half of any relationship and
2) the strong, assertive woman who prefers to play with submissive males but for a long-term relationship really wants a man who is capable of dominating her - which can be a job and a half.
Neither subset is better than the other, or more 'genuine' than the other, but it's an interesting anthropological observation.
A lady is never offensive... by accident.
Edited 21 Feb 08, 9:49 PM by Mistress_Hypatia

21 Feb 08, 9:49 PM
Ishmael
UK(EN), 10 yrs

Deviant_Mind wrote:
That leads me to wonder how many people on the scene were introduced to this by a partner.

I wasn't; I came down here on my own in 1986, and started organising stuff a couple of years later.

Quo vix attingent Foederati punire possumus
www.the-firm.org

21 Feb 08, 10:01 PM
crimsonsky
UK, 4 yrs
I've met loads of dommes, plenty of gorgeous single ones too , they can't be that scarce! I think male subs that I'm attracted to are scarce. I find many more fem subs appealing and I'm a plastic lesbian.

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