Theory: Why Dommes are scarce. (93)

It would be politically correct to say that men and women are the same, that it's all nurture and not nature, but that's fundamentally untrue. Like it or not, women are genetically designed to stay at home and look after the kids and men are designed to go out and hunt woolly mammoths (women can breast-feed, and have higher percentages of body water and fat, and men have a higher percentage of muscle). This requires men to be more aggressive (and higher levels of testosterone and the possession of an XYY chromosome type tend to correlate with increased levels of aggression) and women to be more submissive and nurturing.

However, this is population thinking. On average men are more aggressive and dominant, and on average women tend to be more submissive and nurturing. However, biology being the messy business that it is, you get a minority of men who are more submissive, and a minority of women who are dominant.

We now have the luxury, in our modern society, of allowing individuals to choose their role according to their personal tastes regardless of biology, (thank goodness) but there is still a lot of gender stereotyping, further enforcing the above biological divisions. So not only does this enforce and possibly exaggerate the disparity between sub women and domme women, but the concomitant social conditioning that nice girls stay at home but it's OK for lads to go out on the tiles means that as a separate issue women are less likely to seek out the public BDSM scene and therefore stand up to be counted.

At this point, I'll sit back and wait to be flamed by the feminists... but my last point will be that the essence of female emancipation is the freedom of choice to be what you want to be - whether that's a soldier or a housewife.

There is no shame in being a woman who wants nothing more than a good man to look after, and be looked after by - but there is a great deal of shame in joining the army against your inclinations because that's 'the feminist thing to do'.

A lady is never offensive... by accident.

I am not saying what is the right and wrong way for you to do anything. A domme who doesn't fuck sub men is a bad domme to me. In my criteria for a relationship. I play with femsubs I don't sleep with of course, but I wouldn't call them my sub.

BTW, what is "pure BDSM"?

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." - Albert Schweitzer.

I never fuck sub men. And I seem to be doing pretty well so far

Sponsor a pervert!

I'm certainly symapathetic to this viewpoint. We are to a certain extent conditioned by the society around us and where we think we SHOULD fit. It either takes quite a strong mind or a lot of experience to break out of that.

I for one don't like laughing at anyones inadequacies, I'm sure some people do and that's fine for them, but it is not part of my thing and never will be. I just don't see why it has to appear to be such a big part of things.

I don't fit into the conventional dom/sub boxes, and had I cared I'd have actually thought I was doing something wrong. Lucky I never really cared - but some people do and get put off something that could otherwise be valuable to them when they get the (wrong) idea that BDSM is all about whiny sub men submitting to laughing ice-princesses imprisoned in corsets and thigh high boots. And no sex.

That's fine for those who want it but there are all sorts of flavours out there, the problem seems to be that this is the dominant (lol, I made a funny) image and it can be off-putting. Because people like boxes, they like to feel there is a label that fits them - even in BDSM boxes make us feel comfortable. It just takes a while to realise that you are/can be whatever the hell you damn well like.

One of God's own prototypes, a high powered mutant of some kind, never considered for mass production. Too weird to live, too rare to die.

A Domme who doesn't fuck sub men has standards. A sub who expects to be fucked by a Domme doesn't

if you're submissive or Dominant join this list and never be kinkless again www.masterabaddon.com/list
For although "Heaven" may be closed I am always open..... even on Christmas.

I guess thats' true if it's a financial transaction

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." - Albert Schweitzer.

That also means that a person with whom I have a relationship does not have to worry if i play with someone else

Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality (dear oscar)

Which only confirms I'm not a prostitute, not how good or bad a domme I am.

I don't see how you can possibly judge a domme on whether she has sex with subs or not.

Sponsor a pervert!

You see I don't know that a male demonstrating all the aspects of submission is as attractive *at a purely animal level* as one demonstrating dominance, and I think the animal in us is a lot stronger than we often like to admit.

The female animal thinks 'Ah, this one's big and strong and brave; if another male tries to rape me and murder my children, he will protect me, wheras that little shy one over there, while he looks kinda cute is unlikely to be much cop when the bad guys from the next valley show up'.

Obviously we're a little more sophisticated nowadays, witness that around 1600, a little guy, who was kinda cute, despite his hair loss, was attempting to beat the doxies off with a shitty stick with one hand, while writing the sonnets that implied that he was an impassioned yet tender and inventive lover with the other. I've no idea if he was also a submissive, but he created some fantastic fem-dom characters - Regan, Cleopatra (yeah she was real, I know), Titania, Katherina...

On the other hand, more recently, one woman I know hooked up with the biggest meanest-looking guy she could find for all the 'I want him to protect me' reasons, and he was very protective of her - sometimes he wouldn't let her out of the house. So we don't always learn.

There's every danger of this whole thing getting very patronising and negative, but actually I think the sollution is actually fairly simple. Rather than trying to find partners that are on The Scene already, sub men should be looking outside of it.

If you want somebody that treats you as her personal, private sex-slave, the very least you can do is treat her like a princess, and that probably includes sweeping her off her feet, which can be tricky if you start off on your knees.

Quo vix attingent Foederati punire possumus
www.the-firm.org

Edited 21 Feb 08, 9:08 PM by Ishmael

There is actually something to what you're saying there, in as far as I've heard, anyway. Someone, it may have been Stoller, said once that men have more rigid sexualities than women. So that if a man is presented with a sexually "good" idea (whatever the idea is) at a young age, he will latch onto it and it will become a fetish. Women, however, don't latch onto things as much as men to automatically make them a fetish. Women can be convinced that a sexuality is good. As you said above, most women are taught to obey and be good, so femsub fits that to a T. Dommes, I personally think, today run the risk of appearing as a Dominatrix sexless whore, which few women want to subscribe to. Power, yes, but at the risk of loss of respect from the general public? (I'm not making generalisations here that Dommes are whores, mind you, but I could see how the concept might contradict society's common conceptions of a "proper" woman.)

My proposed solution? Get more good Dommes into the public eye to show that not all women dominants sell themselves. And, also, sub men should look for vanilla women and teach them to be Dommes. Most women could be Dommes, they just need to be encouraged.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.