Posted by melody_A
on Sun 12 Sep 04, 1:36 PM to melody_A's blog.
My life is about to change and I'm feeling incredibly anxious about it.
For those who have not been with me my whole journey I'll summarise.
I met Master via IC last June, we met within a week of the first email simply because I was attending a conference not far from him. One thing led to another and in January mini Mel and I moved down to Sussex (Am ignoring the horrible divorce, etc, etc).
Since January I've basically been a lady of leisure. I've pottered around the area, helping out in the school, enjoying lots of family visits from 'up North', spending lazy days in bed with Master, being a proper mum (never had the time before – too busy working) and even spent a couple of days a week in a charity shop.
In a couple of weeks I start a full time study course. I've loved this quiet time with Master but now is the time for me to move ahead. The problem is I'm really anxious about it, I've even started to have weird dreams again.
I've calmed down and mellowed so much in the past nine months. I've learnt to enjoy watching cricket on a Sunday afternoon in some of the most beautiful grounds. I've slowed right down and don't even get irritated when the supermarket cashiers in the local town are on their usual 'go slow'. They'd never last two minutes in a big city. At first I missed the hustle and bustle of the city life, my stressy job and office politics – now it seems a million miles away. The ex is three hundred miles away and the weekly showdown with him just does not exist anymore. Life has become so peaceful, it's fantastic.
In two weeks I re-join the real world again. Early mornings, train journey to the big city, study and deadlines. I'm really worried about me coping. Oh how pathetic do I sound? I'm so much looking forward to this course, it will be good to activate the old grey cells again, I don't even know what I'm worried about.
Yes I do. I'm worried about failing, not being good enough, being with people completely out of my league. Letting myself, and Master, down.
It's really difficult to discuss this with Master and he's the one that is making this happen. I know my lack of self-confidence frustrates him at times.
I'll be ok, just need to get the first couple of weeks done with and I'm sure I'll be ok.
Mel x
Edited Sun 12 Sep 04, 1:37 PM by melody_A
