Posted by melody_A
on Sat 4 Sep 04, 7:27 PM to melody_A's blog.
I know what I am and how I feel. I know I'm a sexual submissive. I know the highs and lows that comes from a S/M relationship and I know just how fantastic it feels when it goes well. I also know that sometimes it does go wrong.
What I don't know is, what goes on in Master's head, what makes him tick.
I have a moment when we play (yes I don't like that expression either, can't remember who said it) when I feel insecure, used and low. It only lasts a moment and it's always at the same time. It's the moment when I've taken my hardest and final stroke, the time when I'm struggling to stay on my knees, that moment before Master brings me down, holds me tight and usually makes love to me.
That's the moment I don't feel loved.
We've talked about this at length, Master explains just how he feels during those moments. The depth of love he feels and how erotic it is for him. He also said that until I understand him and what is going on in his head I'll continue to struggle with this.
I answered that I don't want to understand what's going on in his head.
My own is enough contend with.
So what do I do? I love our play, I love where we go, but I can't shake these moments of massive insecurity. Sometimes I just blurt it out and beg him to tell me that he loves me, other times I keep quiet and soon get over it.
Am I alone in what I feel?
I have to stress that this feeling only lasts a moment, whilst I come down Master holds me tenderly (or gives me space when I need it) and reassures me over and over. The session usually ends well.
I'm sharing this to try to invite feedback, I'd like to understand why this happens and see if anyone else feels the same way.
Dunno what I'm expecting, just interested in your thoughts.
Mel x
Edited Sat 4 Sep 04, 7:29 PM by melody_A
