Come "out" as a submissive? (14)

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alexandraa
Posted by alexandraa on Wed 20 Feb 08, 5:13 PM

Up until about 7 years ago, the word submissive had never really been part of my world. Other than to be something you'd use in a slightly disparaging way or a word you'd use about animals, meaning the opposite to aggressive, rather than something related to power exchange.

It certainly wasn't a word I would have applied to myself. In truth I'd always seen myself as dominant, not liking to be controlled, enjoying giving leadership, and tending to conflict with people who tried to compete with me. Although, my sexual fantasies always had me in quite different roles.

I first entered the world of BDSM with no more than a wish and a whim to have some fun, find some good sex, perhaps involving a bit of bondage and a spank. Power exchange wasn't something I was aware of or had thought about in any way, apart from a vague thrill around the idea of being “powerless” in a sexual context.

So it was quite a surprise to meet Colbeh and find myself naturally, yet consciously, deferring to him. Even accepting his nudges and direction over all kinds of things, from how I spoke to him, to decisions about bigger things in my life. Someone I didn't talk over, make demands of, or order about. Someone I wanted leadership and mentoring from. Someone I desired with my body and soul, to be possessed and owned by them…. Eeeek….. Hmmmm quite unusual….. And suddenly I found myself much happier with my lot in life. I felt in a much more comfortable position. Secure and at peace.

Understanding submission in a power exchange context has led me to understand all sorts of things about my behaviour patterns and personality. It gives me tools to control my reactions to people and situations. Understanding that you have a need to please gives you control over that need and stops you doing foolish unnecessary things, or at least makes you more aware of why you get yourself into daft situations you are unhappy about, just to keep someone else happy.

It's very complex understanding anyone's behaviour but understanding of power exchange can give so many insights.

When I recently read something a friend had blogged on Live Journal, about being more open and “public” about the nature of our relationships, my feeling was initially of alarm.

I'm a submissive woman fighting to hold my own at senior levels in a male dominated world of work. To have people around me know I was submissive in my sexual and emotional relationships would lead to sure professional suicide. The other side of the argument to that is, but if we were more open about it people would have a better understanding of what submissive actually means.

The counter argument to that would be…. But, in my experience, a good number of people within the BDSM community don't understand what submissive means, let alone any one else.

How many people have I had tell me that I'm not submissive over the past 7 years? Far more so than those who do see me as submissive. Now why is that? From within our own community? Shouldn't they, of all, understand?

You see, when your own supposed community has an expectation that you'll act passively, docilely, be eager to please, fast to respond, always polite and deferring, vulnerable maybe, easy to manipulate, weak perhaps?? lacking in confidence?? quiet?? …. Shall I go on???? Where on earth do you stand with a vanilla community whose expectations of “submissive” must equally (if not more so) place you within those inferior/weak definitions?

When you don't behave “submissively” to any Tom, Dick or Helen, naming themselves dominant, suddenly that means you aren't actually a proper submissive…. Well…. Quite clearly you can't afford the wider world to think of you as submissive when your own world, that should understand and respect your behavioural traits, neither understands nor respects them.

I have endless examples of where I have been treated with lack of respect and ignorance, bullied even, where I have been subject to sexually inappropriate advances, where people have been rude to me or made assumptions about my intellect or abilities, all because they have popped me into that box named “submissive”. And that's just my own community.

Go public with the wider world? Don't make me laugh.

Now when the BDSM community can respect me as a submissive woman and hold me in the same high esteem for being submissive, that the Dominant in my life holds me…. Then maybe, just maybe, we have somewhere to go with the wider world.

Replies

20 Feb 08, 5:20 PM
Belasarius
UK(M), 5 yrs
Y!
Your last paragraph is so right. and the whole post resonates with sense.
Thankyou.

20 Feb 08, 5:23 PM
alexandraa
UK(NW), 5 yrs
Well thank YOU! It's not often I feel the desire to blog on IC any more, glad to feel appreciated.
Cheers
A
Be careful what you wish for

20 Feb 08, 5:27 PM
janie66
UK(G), 5 yrs

alexandraa wrote:
Well thank YOU! It's not often I feel the desire to blog on IC any more, glad to feel appreciated.
Cheers
A
Feel more appreciated then because i really like reading your weblogs and miss you writing them more often.
(and i suspect there's even more people who miss them too.)

20 Feb 08, 5:31 PM
littlenic
UK(KT), 2 yrs
I completely agree, but I do wonder whether some of this isn't perpetuated by submissives (particularly female ones) themselves? Every time I see someone in their profile or a post declaring that, "I won't submit to everyone I meet," or, "I'm not a doormat," I just think - you're perpetuating the myth that there *are* femsubs who are like that.
If we could all accept that every femsub was a normally functioning human being, selective in her submission, and stop these clichés from being trotted out so often, I really think that would be a start to raising our collective reputation.

"Yours is over there..."

20 Feb 08, 5:51 PM
WhiteKnight1369
UK, 5 yrs
Quality comment which resonates with my beliefs and values in this regard.
Should be compulsory reading but sadly, I imagine, not how the majority sees it. Allows the perpetuation of some rather questionable actions and values.
Some Men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. Marianne Williamson

20 Feb 08, 5:57 PM
velvet_minx
UK(EH), 3 yrs

janie66 wrote:
Feel more appreciated then because i really like reading your weblogs and miss you writing them more often.
(and i suspect there's even more people who miss them too.)

count me in on the people who miss your postings.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
apparently "I hate you, you sasanach bastards" is not a safeword...
Honk your horn if you like violent porn

20 Feb 08, 6:01 PM
just_iana
UK, 3 yrs

i certainly miss your writings!
I've just read this, and only yesterady was discussing my own similar work tendenacies, and why i would never ever wish my work life to discover my submission.
This post is excellent, your thinking as ever clear and so perfectly expressed, and, in my opinion, totally spot on!
Thank you!!

20 Feb 08, 7:29 PM
arwenNS
UK, 4 yrs

Ohh..in an ideal world..LOL
I'm so glad you decided to post this on the boards darling.
arwen xxx

a 4 foot, 11 and 3/4 inch elf.
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. Alfred Kinsey

20 Feb 08, 7:30 PM
kitiara
UK(TW), 5 yrs
Y!

velvet_minx wrote:

janie66 wrote:
Feel more appreciated then because i really like reading your weblogs and miss you writing them more often.
(and i suspect there's even more people who miss them too.)

count me in on the people who miss your postings.
me too, a great post.
xxx
Nice things come in small packages...but so does poison!

20 Feb 08, 7:50 PM
augusta
UK, 4 yrs

kiti_the_kursed wrote:

velvet_minx wrote:

janie66 wrote:
Feel more appreciated then because i really like reading your weblogs and miss you writing them more often.
(and i suspect there's even more people who miss them too.)

count me in on the people who miss your postings.
me too, a great post.
xxx
What they said. xx
There are three sorts of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.

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