Posted by caprycorn on Tue 19 Feb 08, 6:49 PM to caprycorn's blog.
Been following a debate on livejournal between two people whose opinions I respect enormously even though I don't necessarily agree with both of them all of the time. I of course am always right. On the mug that I had for Christmas it says 'Everyone is entitled to my opinion'. Quite right too and just as it should be.
Flippancy aside, one comment from evil twin hit me hard. That perhaps if the so-called bdsm community understood what it is to be submissive then we'd have a chance in explaining it to the wider world. Hell yes. I get that. And how do we explain it? I don't know that I can explain myself really to the bdsm community who are supposed to have some inkling of understanding, let alone to a vanilla public who don't - or are assumed not to - have any concept of what I'm talking about. I struggle to understand it in the shadows of my own mind let alone explaining to an audience.
Is it being lead around by a collar and leash a la goths on the bus? Is it fuck. Is it being marked or branded in some way? No, although viscerally that does appeal. Is it bending over for a beating? No although again that can be a pleasant way to pass an hour or three. For me in essence it can be all of those things but that isn't the core of it, the reason of it, the driver of it. It's about pleasing. About being pleasing to the man that I love, about pleasing him in any way that I can, in any way that he chooses. It's about giving of myself to make him happy, content, satisfied. It's about saying to him that he sets the rules and I'll live by them because I trust him to keep me safe and make me happy and content as I will strive to do the same for him.
Except... I want to make lucky happy too and I'm not submissive to her. So apart from fulfilling partners, which I'd suggest that most of us have to do in one direction or another in order to have a relationship at all - it's never just a one way flow no matter what the bdsm porn and bad fiction might portray - it has to be something more. So back to my hobby horse, control. You say what I do because you are trusted and respected by me, and I strive to please you. And in return for me pleasing you? I am treated like a princess, a goddess, a whore, a slut, a fucktoy, a sex slave, a captive and a queen. I'm his light and joy, his treasure and his pleasure. I'm held safe and protected. I'm his. And him, he's my Master, my lover, my captor. He dominates, exhilarates, teases and hurts. He uses me, abuses me, exalts me and liberates me. I don't have to worry about what anybody else thinks of me, whether they like me or not, because it's he that sets the measure and his only concern for me is that I am comfortable in my own skin. And I have to say, I'm getting there. I feel the same way about lucky. I hurt her. Control her. Rape her. Bite her, bugger her, chastise her, cut her. I revel in her blood, I live to make her cry. And yet I shield her, protect her. Cherish her. Love her. She's mine as I am hers and he is ours and we are his. See what I mean? How do I explain the core of what I am, coherently, to those who are supposed to understand? How can I say that S/m is nothing compared with this? That I don't give a flying fuck about marks, about welts, about collars? That the act of yielding to him and controlling her is what makes my world rock because it completes me in the way that vanilla never could?
I can't. So kink aside - and kink is the very least important part of all this after all - what I am will have to remain my secret. Because there isn't anyone apart from those who have walked on a similar path who will have the faintest idea of what I'm talking about.
I have fuck all in common with Goths-on-a-bus. And to proclaim oneself in such a way might be seen as outrageous or funny or avant garde or rebellious. I just find it tacky. The only time I have an issue with people objecting to my sexuality is when I can be sacked for it, judged to be a bad parent for it, discriminated against because of it. And because I KNOW that that is a possible or even likely outcome, it stays under wraps. It's wrong. And should not be wrong. We are so much further on in the path of less discrimination than once we were... but not there yet. Believe me, I know and it is reinforced every day by what I see around me.
My kink is not all of what I am. The dynamic of my relationship is much more integral. And that is, on the surface, nothing extraordinary at all. I don't have to be kinky to be submissive. So I could be a law abiding citizen who does not break any rules at all, behind closed doors or in public, and I still wouldn't come out in public to the world at large as being submissive to J. It's our private world. And until being submissive is not seen by many as being weak, being passive, being feeble, then it will stay so.
One could argue that it is those of us who do not fit the stereotype who should be blazing a trail. That, frankly, is for braver souls than me. I'll follow that path when there is genuine equality between genders, when gays are not discriminated against overtly or passively, when open mindedness is the norm. Is it ok to be gay? Of course, unless you are in many towns and places where being gay will get your head kicked in. Or worse. Is it ok to be a woman at the top? Of course, you can follow in the footsteps of the many women who lead governments and armies and businesses. There are after all so many to choose from....
I'll raise my daughter to be what she chooses to be. And I'll also raise her to recognise that blazing trails carries a price, and that you have to assess whether you are willing to pay. It can be very high, including personal relationships, family, friends, children. Work. Professional relationships. Respect. Personal integrity, honesty, pride. And if you aren't willing to cough up then changing the world is perhaps best done in small steps rather than at the cost of what you value and hold dearest. I am not ashamed of either my kink or my submission. But I'm not going to shout it from the rooftops either. If that makes me a coward then so be it. It's not a step that I am willing to take. I have too much to lose for that.
