Posted by caprycorn on Mon 18 Feb 08, 9:14 PM to caprycorn's blog.
It's strange to be thinking that S/m isn't my main driver when my breasts are clouded with bruises. When bloodpricked welts line the underside of each. When my nipples are swollen and chafed because of clover clamps being harshly applied and then twisted off. When I climaxed so hard that I cried afterwards, for no reason that I can explain apart from it was necessary.
And yet it's so. I've finally realised what J has been quietly telling me for a long time. I've done S/m and enjoyed it, yes, but it's not what does it for me, deep down in the dark and visceral part of me. It's control that gets me off, someone who has the capacity to control me and the desire to control me. Someone who has the will to say no you will do this because I wish it, no more no less, and the strength of mind to see it through if I dig my heels in. S/m can be part of it, but it's not what I once thought it was. It's not necessary in and of itself for me.
I guess I'm really not a masochist. I never thought I was. And now I know I'm not.
Having pain applied in a manner which can be turned into pleasure is not the same as masochism. When pain is applied to lucky, it hurts her, of course it does. It also arouses her. She can't help that reaction any more than I can help the fact that pain alone doesn't arouse me. Yes, there are stimuli applied that can increase her reaction such as bondage, gags etc, and the fact that it's us applying that pain doesn't hinder. But even so, pain drives her. Not me. It really doesn't.
He welted my breasts. And yes, I enjoyed it in that I do become aroused from rough treatment of my breasts. Bloody hurt though so much that I didn't know if I could take it any more. I did, but only because he told me to. And therein lies it all. I didn't do it for me, even though I did get off on it (until it hurt too damn much). I did it for him.
It's not a competition; I'm not saying that I am a submissive rather than a masochist. Because I'm not particularly rewarding as either. It's just a recognition that what I thought I had to do, what I thought once that I had to BE to be a pleasing submissive, it's not so. And perhaps I've been fucking arrogant in assumptions. Another chain of thought, not for tonight.
Lucky pleases by being who and what she is. She's finding out more and more what she is. I thought I knew because hey, I've been doing this for a long time etc etc etc. I also have a driver, false pride, to be the best. But being me is enough. He's been telling me that for more years than I care to think about. I just wasn't listening. I thought I knew. I did not. And now I'm beginning to learn all over again. I don't need to be any more, or less, than what I am. What I am really is enough.
Ain't that a kicker?
