Posted by melody_A
on Thu 5 Feb 04, 7:24 PM to melody_A's blog.
Got major communication problems at the moment, and Master has gone away on business for a few days so it really wont be sorted out.
Guess I'm really crap at asking for what I want. I just want to please too much that I acquiesce when something is suggested that I don't really want. I was brought up in a poor loving working class family, the kind of family who always thought they should be grateful for what they've got, don't try and be too pushy or demanding, manners where very important. Consequently I kind of feel overwhelmed with what Master has given me, so for me to start asking for what I want sounds really greedy.
Before he left this afternoon we had a row, oh yes we've had our disagreements before but this was a full-scale shouting row. I was really angry and seven hours later still am. As I said I try so hard to act unselfishly but I just bottle things up inside - then suddenly - BANG they all come flooding out. Master is right, he doesn't know there is a problem unless I tell him. I find telling him so hard at times.
Yesterday I went for a smear test, nothing exceptional in that. Well only that the last time I had one was six years ago and they had perform laser surgery for the pre-cancerous cells they found there. For love nor money you couldn't drag me back for another. I know it's crazy and my best friend has nagged me to death about it, she's even made appointments I've failed to keep. Well New Year, new start, new doctors.... the lovely nurse persuaded me to have a test. Had it, nearly passed out, had to lie down for twenty minutes afterwards. God I'm terrified.
Crap log today, all the other days have been lovely just haven't had the time or desire to write.
Oh I wish I hadn't gone yesterday, I wish I hadn't argued with Master. I've said I'll call him tonight - don't really know what to say. I'd have a drink if my stomach wasn't so upset.
Mel
Edited Thu 5 Feb 04, 7:28 PM by melody_A
