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| Ciceros_ghost |
Erm, the nappy thing.. well it's a weird thing and it illicits the 'yuck' emotion from most people. Some, braver, people ask, 'can explain what it means to you?'
Erm. When I was little I wanted to be a girl, by 13 yrs I developed a 'rebirth' fantasy. I wanted to wake up in the morning a girl and logically, it being a rebirth, I would be a baby. The nappies were a natural extension. At the same time my mother gave me a copy of FORUM magazine and that had loads of AdultBaby stuff in it so it seemed I wasn't alone. - what I didn't see at all at the time was that many people were into it for humiliation.
Wearing nappies for me was comforting; it felt like I was closer to a rebirth also I used to have panic attacks and I'd worry that I'd wet myself. The nappy also provided comfort in that if the worst happened well, it didn't matter. Crucially wearing a nappy covered my groin area. and the padding smoothed out my penis AND gave me a bigger girl bum... hmm I was a bit closer to being a girl or the fact that I was a boy wasn't, at least, thrust in my face. Incidentally any other transgendered people start looking at girls? Wondering what it was about their face that made them 'girly'? Anyone else develop the opposite of cock envy; cunt envy perhaps?
Like many people I've fetishised the smell of urine. I still like the smell now. I know I'm not alone with this. Later I began to poo myself. Well it's hard pressing out a poo into a nappy and your bum has to work hard. Hmm, one's bum working hard, erm anyone else like having their bum stimulated, overfull? Lol.
Fetishes are about sexualising non-sexual things, after a while I fetishised the plastic backing of the nappies, the feel, sound and also that 'medical' bluey green colour. I also fetishised the pvc pants I used to prevent leaks.
At the same time I was disgusted by my cock.. poo was dirty and so after a while I started turning the nappy round and squishing the poo around my cock. I'd leave it dirty and disgusting for a long time.. that would punish it lol. I then started wanking my penis into the poo a mixture of pleasure, reassurance and self humiliation of my cock.
This nappy fetish was of course secret, nawty and hidden... though both my parent knew, but would never admit it.. the pact of silence extends to this day.
So humiliation in my case self humiliation. The humiliation of (1) not being a girl (2) the pathetic way in which I was trying to be a girl (3) and the external perspective of being a dirty disgusting boy, smelly and emasculated by a nappy was born. So that is the history and presumably the origin of the humiliation.
Over the next few years my body matured. I gave up on both the attempt to be a girl; believe me I fought hard, I even tried hormone breast cream! I also gave up on the baby thing. The desire to be emasculated and humiliated still remained so I joined the BDSM scene… and left it again.
The next 7 yrs went like this; I gave up wearing nappies. Decided to go 'straight'. I got married. Had a child. Had a divorce.
Then I met a Switch who agreed to my my Domme. She had her own Dom. She agreed I could hand over control of my life whilst I sorted out who I am. At the time I was convinced I was gay. I wanted a full on relationship with another man it was just that I hadn't met any man with whom I could relate on an emotional level. Presumably this was because I was so damaged emotionally. I met a few emotionally immature men with who I could not relate mostly in internet chat rooms. I met a few men in real life but mostly they were 'shut up and let me fuck you' sort. They either got short shrift first or ran off after sex and refused to let me speak to them about anything substantial.
When that Domme took me into her life it was a no sex deal, she was in charge, she beat me, allowing me the highs to deal with sorting out the damage cause to my psyche by the end of my marriage.
So then she's tried to help me with my sexuality. I told her that I accepted that I wanted to accept that I was a man. We looked together at why I wanted to be a girl. That seemed to mostly stem from fancying boys but with hindsight also stemmed from wanting a proper emotional interaction. I never was a 'bloky' bloke.
Growning up wanting to be a girl but then turning into a boy gives you a rather blurry perspective upon gender. I always used he and she interchangeably. Nowadays I either fancy people or not. I guess the sex interest comes from the mind and creativity of my play partner and a lot of bdsm thrown in. So since I appear now to fancy women too and also appear to be somewhat sex mad I guess we'll agree that I'm bisexual after all. We fell in love. The relationship changed to include sex and was more equal. She has her own problems. I have to stand on my own two feet emotionally and generally I do.
So how do I find myself back in nappies? well there are 2 triggers. Firstly it turns out that I can be VERY messy during anal sex…that fear of weeing and pooing myself is back. And the logical thing…..for me… was to turn to nappies. They provide the assurance and comfort that…being dirty..which is now what often happens, rather than a feared but unlikely possibility, is ok.
But having got into nappies I find there's more to it. Nappies, for me, is now about handing over control not about Adultbaby stuff. I don't still see myself as a baby. It's about handing over the most primary bits of control that I ever evolved.
Things have turned full circle. Again it's about handing over control. Like when I first met my Domme.
For instance; There the Physical control, she now says when I can go to the bathroom. With a catheter in I don't even have control over when I wee.. possibly one of the very first things I learnt to control.
Within a scene there also the possibility of control over eating and drinking…being force-fead – this resonates with Adult baby play but is again really a 'control' thing.
There's also the question of control over my image. Both physical, what I wear, how I sit and how I'm perceived. But also my self image…wearing a dirty nappy could make me the object of disgust.. the decision whether to be disgusted is in the hands of my Domme. Also the nappy thing has been hidden.. how would I feel about being exhibited to other people?
So the nappy obsession is about submission. Submission of my personality, my ability to control anything at all.
Then there a bit about having to be a man.. surely I'm not the only one who has fought that so hard. Who objects to having to grow up, be responsible for my actions, Protect and fight for others, look after their feelings. Some times I want to escape from those things, not necessarily by being a baby, but be being so demonstrably low that I don't feel people putting those assumptions upon me.
In my current relationship I'm still trying to sort out my childhood issues and also my sexuality. That 'training to accept that I'm a man' perhaps isn't as thorough as it seems. There are still days when I experience cunt envy. There are days when I don't want to be seen as a man but as something of no defined sex; even when I'm having sex. Many men have chastity obsessions some explore frustration. Many want to lose their 'dominant' position and their sexuality. Dare one speculate that some want to lose their gender stereotypes?
And there that desire to hand over control, that panic thing and that humiliation thing. I have no idea where it will eventually lead. Will I come back? I don't know but I feel the internal pressure to find out.
The thing is that my current relationship is a dynamic thing, with it's own interactions and is not based upon humiliation but upon love and respect. In some ways the antithesis of BDSM. So is it possible to explore fully within this relationship? Or do I need to go outside this relationship? Or to go outside but to take my Domme along, if so would she come?
So why write this? Well, I've left it open to post replies.
I guess I'm trying to work out what BDSM means to me? is there anything more to it, for me, beyond, endorphin highs and sexual discovery at the hands of more experienced people? I've deliberately left it open to people to post replies. I'd love to know whether this story resonates with other people? Have you gone this way before? Where did you end up? Do you care to share?
Edited Tue 15 Jan 08, 3:50 PM by Ciceros_ghost
| 15 Jan 08, 12:33 PM MissLioness UK(LS), 5 yrs  |
very good post and interesting to read too. Thanks x life saw i needed a true playmate one that compliments me and life brought to me *GoldMane* | |
| 15 Jan 08, 12:57 PM Satin_Mistress UK, 5 yrs |
and Many men wouldn't analyse it all or take the time - and courage - to write it all out for others to read.
You're maybe not quite sure where next, but well done for getting this far (If that doesn't sound too condescending - it's not meant to be!) and thank you for being Honest in public.
(For every opinion there is an equal and opposite criticism) | |
| 15 Jan 08, 1:29 PM Miss_Dee UK(L), 5 yrs   |
Great post  Miss Tura | |
| 15 Jan 08, 3:57 PM Sapientia UK(WA), 7 yrs |
I love you. I love you in all your complexity. And I'm with you on your journey of exploration and discovery, just as you are with me. I have the deepest respect for your courage and honesty, even when the private person in me is squirming at all you have shared so publicly! I do not see respect and love as the antithesis of BDSM. I know what you mean, but I wouldn't like to see BDSM without respect and love. (and I don't really know what it is, or what I mean either!!!!)
Sapientia I can resist anything but temptation! | |
| 15 Jan 08, 5:42 PM MrLion UK(WF), 6 yrs |
Hugssss to two lovely people  Life saw this Lion needed a true playmate one that compliments me and life gave to me the Wonderful Gift of *GoldsGirl*. | |
| 15 Jan 08, 6:48 PM razyplaits UK(PE), 4 yrs |
wow! great blog, i have my own
website bdsmhelp.com providing informatoin about all the differant levels of bdsm iam about to put an article about total power exchange on there it raised lots of questions for me. as for youre story could you write more?and could i put it on my site? the next stage for you may be the darker side of play where it can be cathartic helping to heal trauma and turn past problems into something more positve and give you back control.please check the site out and e mail me.good luck Edited 15 Jan 08, 6:49 PM by razyplaits | |
| 15 Jan 08, 8:21 PM Troublesome_1 UK, 6 yrs |
Wow. so honest, and from the heart. Im touched you have shared this with us. You are a wonderful person, and its a priviledge to know you and your Domme. Hugs Ts1..xx
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| 21 Jan 08, 3:21 AM Trucker3010 UK(BS), 6 yrs |
Well done a very honest and candid post. I have carried the "baby" thing all my life into middle age now. I am lucky I have had a great partner for over 25 years, and she has happily attended to all my AB needs. On that front I am indeed very lucky.
However like you I have often wondered why, and indeed if it is just age play, or more a need to give over control of ones most basic needs and functions. Like you also, should I be a boy or girl? I have always mostly adopted a male in my roleplay, despite my real Mother always telling me from an early age that she really wanted a girl, and trust me she meant it.Always joking but always it was said , usually in front of friends. In addition she told me I was the reason I was an only child, as I caused her so much pain in childbirth. Try carrying that one around for nearly 50 years Who am I playing to? My wife, my birth Mother or just myself? Sure I still enjoy the feeling of nappies and shiny pants, always have, but will I still want to play these games when my Mother is no longer around. I do wonder if it will all start to loose it's relevance as I get older? My wife says why should it, but I do wonder ? Looking back over my 40+ years it has not been easy, and it was not a path I would have chosen, had it not chose me one day when I was 4 years old. It has never been an easy path to tread despite lots of great friends and family who tell me the AB side of me is cute and fun, and that I should just enjoy it without question? Maybe I will, but maybe on the other hand ???
I guess only time will tell Edited 21 Jan 08, 3:25 AM by Trucker3010 | |
| 3 Feb 08, 8:27 AM toesuckasub UK(M), 5 yrs |
I think this is definitely true in a lot of cases. I know that I personally get so frustrated with the male gender role and the way many women seem to want to be passive and submissive when it comes to sex and romance. In vanilla life, the male gender role actually causes me a lot of distress and pain. I know that these frustrations are a big part of my need to be submissive to women and the reason why I desire dominant women so much. I like the chance to do things the other way around than the gender stereotypes. I was actually quite shocked when I first encountered the bdsm scene by how many male dom/ female sub relationships there were. This seemed so totally opposite to my own beliefs about what is desirable and good - that it made me feel uneasy and a little appalled. But I've since learned to accept and 'live and let live' about that. But I wonder sometimes how many other male submissives have that reaction. I think there may be quite a few male submissives for whom subverting the gender stereotypes is a major part of why they like what they like. I know I feel that way anyway. "I can't conceal the way I'm healed, the pleasure I feel when I have to deal with the mercy in you" Depeche Mode 'Mercy in you' |
Maybe that has some bearing on why I feel I need punishing and keeping in my place?