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| mq1965 |
It is strange what criteria we choose to define our self-worth. I am intelligent, was lucky enough to be born into a comfortably off middle class family, have a stable childhood and good education. I am now not rich, but comfortable, and have a professional job. I have reasonable social status, I know I am good at my job. I believe my moral principles are sound and I am good enough at abiding by them. Looked at rationally I have many things to be proud of. Yet because all these things are things I have pretty much had all my life, or have come fairly easily, I take them all pretty much for granted, and they don't mean a great deal to me emotionally.
The things that matter to me, the things I judge myself by emotionally, are things that have been much more of a struggle. Sport was one when I was younger, and I have driven myself to achieve a fair amount. As I have got older that has come to matter less, though I am still hard on myself if I don't perform to the standard I believe I am capable of.
More significant now, though, is relationships. Both intimate ones and friendships. Here is where I really struggle, where I don't feel I have ever achieved. And the fact that I can't really pin down the reason is part of the frustration. I have had plenty of dates, and I have never had a first date which has been a failure – one of those where you talk awkwardly and go your separate ways at the end vaguely promising to be in touch. Every first date I have been on has led to more, so there must be something superficially attractive about me. Yet somehow none of them has really led to that special relationship. Even the rare ones where there has been a real click for both of us, that feeling that this could be something special, have eventually petered out and died away.
And friendships seem to be the same. I have lots of friends, but not since my schooldays have I really had a close friend, the sort of person you would call your best mate, who just pops round uninvited, knowing they are always welcome, and with whom you can discuss anything and everything. Part of the problem is that I have never been one of the lads, have always tended to get on better with women. Close friendships with women are a little awkward if they have a partner.
But it isn't just about that. It seems to be something in me that fails to make close relationships/friendships work, although it is something I yearn to happen and love sharing ideas and new things, experiences and places. I know I am an unusual person in many ways, but it seems to be more than that, and I can't quite pin down what it is.
So I see people I have been out with meeting new partners and establishing fantastic relationships. And I am happy for them, genuinely, but deep down there is a little stab in my heart that says 'why couldn't I do that with them?' A little proof that it is something in me and not in them that made things fail. And it starts to build up, to the point that you see the same fault in everything. You have a little friendly correspondence with someone over a point that on the boards, and then it dies away. Perfectly natural, but you start to see it with a skewed perspective, see it as another sign that you just aren't interesting enough. Worthy, but dull.
Rationally I know it is absurd, I know there are so many other factors I should judge myself by. I know my strengths as well as my weaknesses. I am strong enough to remain in control and to keep functioning in life. But emotionally, inside, there is that bit of me that ignores everything else and just whispers away, those weasel words, “You're not good enough”. And every time that little red memo sign isn't flashing it gains a little in volume, building towards a crescendo.
| P.S. Please don't take this as a plea for sympathy. I resolved at new year to try blogging, to put down some of my inner thoughts in writing, but I don't want it to turn into too much of an emotional melt down. It is a therapeutic way of getting things straight in my head, not a cry for help. |
| 16 Jan 08, 10:11 PM syndeetoo UK(WC), 6 yrs |
You need cake for those "You're not good enough" moments. I recommend Fondant Fancies, the entire box, and darjeeling. I get the equivalent - it's called the "I'm just a superficial snobbish slapper" moment. edited to say it has to be the two chocolates first, then the two pinks (yukkers) followed by the lemons...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Change your lightbulbs…and then, change your paradigm. Edited 16 Jan 08, 10:12 PM by syndeetoo | |
| 16 Jan 08, 10:15 PM aka_pussinboots 4 yrs |
A good weblog – and a brave one if I may say. I appreciate your note on not wanting sympathy and as a person who finds it very hard to relate to that emotion, I will try and give my thoughts that should be read with a warm smile and meant in kindness. An ego can indeed be a very fragile thing and you are right to question where you are and heading towards. It is a natural process to go through but I feel you are being unusually harsh on yourself. You say you judge yourself on things that have been a struggle. As we all have areas in life where we struggle this seems a particularly tough process to put yourself through and one you will never achieve any feel good factor from. Maybe you are setting the bar too high; be realistic. Be a little kinder on yourself and judge yourself on ALL areas in your life. There are plenty of good things you speak of, some that many others would be pleased to have had or have themselves. I think you have been brave and honest about your feelings of frustration at not finding the right relationship. From reading previous thoughts you have written I have a feeling you are seeking what may not exist; a perfect relationship. I wonder if though you are analysing the chemistry between yourself and the ladies you meet a bit too much, to the point of finding the faults that will naturally lie within us all only to reaffirm your thoughts all along. This may be such a high level of expectation that no one person can possibly achieve – and possibly the lady will pick up on! When corresponding on here or using any other method, there will be periods of great activity and inactivity, its natural and not to be seen as anything other than that. Some will last, others not. We may not like it but it is one of those things. I feel sure that you realise deep down the fantastic relationships that you see your friends making will have their ups and downs. When we socialise we see what is displayed in front of us. Behind closed doors after a busy day and the realities of day to day life we are – and can be - our own people again.
If I could suggest anything I would say to relax and give yourself an easier time. Life is tough enough. Let a relationship happen naturally, at its own pace with all its beautiful qualities as well as its flaws. We cannot banish our flaws and imperfections (shame!) Keep your expectations at a more realistic level
pû§§ îñ bôôt§ | |
| 27 Jan 08, 1:40 PM Original_Rebel UK(CT), 10 yrs  |
What a fantastic post , some good advice and very well thought out. Her will be done |
