Posted by kesriel on Sat 12 Jan 08, 6:00 PM to kesriel's blog.
i am a marked girl...in the most glorious, wonderful and meaningful way possible to me.
i woke on the morning fretting, anxious and down-right frightened...i wasn't scared because i thought it might hurt...not even because i was afraid i had doubts about what He wished...but more because i was worried that my Master (please see ** below) would regret taking such an irreversible action...
The morning and drive seemed endless...anxiety growing and gnawing away in my stomach, every single question You can think of passing through my tiny brain...the endless and utterly relentless self-loathing, self-doubt and fear of the unknown...desperately trying outwardly to appear calm and confident and inside burning up with self-hatred and the complete and overwhelming confusion of why my Master would even wish to permit me this...the life-long knowledge of never being enough, of always being deemed unworthy...
and then...i sat down in front of the Tattooist, He asked if i was okay to which i simply nodded mutely and He touched the needle to my skin...and started to indelibly mark my body with my Master's marque of Ownership...
i can only describe it as a sense of pure calm...yes, i could feel the needle deeply scratching against my skin...but physically i do not think i moved, or spoke, or heard anything...there was this incredibly deep molten warmth seeping into me...just as the Tattooist was feeding the ink beneath my flesh...so too a sense of peace enveloped me...a serenity...
i realised that it didn't matter how much i hated myself, how deeply i loathed the way i look, doubted my abilities or the endless number of times i had been told i was inadequate, useless, unworthy...it really, really didn't matter...i could let go of it...because HE believed i was worthy, HE believed i was adequate, HE believed i could be what He wished me to be...and that was enough...
i wanted to cry afterwards...not because it was sore...but simply because the emotion was just too much to contain...it was simply "right"...and there is an utter and absolute certainty that whatever happens it would never ever be regretted...it sounds so silly and a little pathetic but i was grateful...and that word doesn't mean nearly enough...i just wanted to say thank You...that He allowed His marque upon my body, for permitting me to receive it, for considering me worthy of that honour...for allowing me to feel that i truly do belong to Him... that is what it means.... it doesn't matter what happens in my life, where i go, what twists and turns my life takes...i will forever carry with me the certain and undeniable knowledge that He cared enough for me, that He wanted me enough, that He held me within His life long enough for me to find a place to belong...and just as the love i feel for Him will, within my beliefs, carry through to beyond this life...so, too, do i feel within my soul that whatever power lies beyond this world it would not take his mark away from me...
(**) "my Master"...what a glorious phrase...i have used the term "Master" before but never with intent have i used the term "my Master" when speaking directly to the Gentleman. i have always shied away from using "my" as it felt too posessive. It denoted a sense of ownership that, surely, a slave can not and should not feel to a Master...but...it is different now...everything is different...i BELONG to Him...HE is my Owner, not just my Master...and this body that i inhabit is His to do with as He wishes...He Owns it, i am merely the steward of its care for Him...
BUT...just as i am His slave...so too...He is "my" Master...
The state of being Master and slave, the emotional well-being of Ownership, the relationship between the Owner and the owned...is truly symbiotic...a Master can not exist without a slave to master...a slave can not truly exist without a Master to master them...so yes...i am HIS...but so too, in symbiotic need, HE is mine...
i also wish to extend my eternal gratitude and deep abiding love and affection to my wonderful, beautiful and very, very, dear sister...without whom i would have fallen apart several times over by now...W/we have a "special family"...and i will never find the words i need to describe the thankfullness i feel that You allowed me into Your lives.
| 12 Jan 08, 7:06 PM jukejointjezabel 5 yrs |
What a lovely blog! Brought back some wonderful memories of when i got D's mark... i felt a lot of the calmness and serenity that you experienced too.
Thank you for sharing your experience jjj x |
| 12 Jan 08, 8:17 PM Crystal_Eyes UK, 5 yrs    |
Your blog made me cry, thank you so much for sharing such a personal event with us.  x~ = ~ = ~ = * c * = ~ = ~ = ~ |
| 12 Jan 08, 8:25 PM MMs_lavenderblossom 8 yrs  |
I agree. Beautiful blog. I am getting my Masters mark soon and I can't wait. Your blog was wonderful. Vanilla sex is like a 99 ice cream - without the flake (me) |
| 12 Jan 08, 9:42 PM happy_bunny UK, 4 yrs |
thank you for that,, it's hard to find the words to express how alot of us feel..you did it betifully.ty |
| 12 Jan 08, 9:42 PM Saffron38 UK(ST), 6 yrs |
I agree with the others congrates Huggs Saff |
| 12 Jan 08, 10:50 PM kesriel 7 yrs |
Thank you all for your wonderfully kind words...they are truly and sincerely appreciated... i wish you all happiness and contentment ~with much respect~....kes...xxx |
| 13 Jan 08, 6:13 PM subterranean UK, 8 yrs |
Congratulations kes. |
