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| Violently |
Often, I get told it is the submissive that wields power in a D/s relationship - because they have a safe word or because they set the limits etc... I find it quite frustrating because I think the idea perpetuates a myth and leaves the submissive in a more vulnerable position. I think power is in knowledge and fact, not in the suppositions of what ifs.
Control -
I don't subscribe to the idea that the submissive has it. After all that is almost self defeatist if you look for a relationship in which to surrender control, only to find yourself in the driving seat 
I think control is entrusted to the Dominant... in a sort of armistice where terms of surrender are negotiated. Safe words are only useful if you are together enough (physically and mentally) to communicate them.
If you think of the percentage of survivors in an emergency situation it is easy enough to deduce that for the majority - panic and confusion is default. I'm not saying it will come to that - but I am saying that sometimes in an actual emergency situation, can or will you actually be able to use a safe word?
Some might argue that if you choose not to use them, you are taking a foolish risk. Just how helpful is shouting a safe word when you are in an entirely vulnerable and helpless position if the Dominant in question does not heed it?
Better to make sure you are with a Dominant who is capable than to rely entirely on your safe word. What power is there really in a submissives safe word if it is being ignored? No power at all. How can you say that the submissive has power because they can use a safe word? Nay. I say it is within the Dominants power to respect the use of a safe word. It is the Dominant that is in power and not the submissive.
I find it interesting when we think on limits and taboos as being set. I don't think that is the case at all and again here, the submissive is someone who may have them but can't set them. They can discuss where they do not want to go but ultimately it is the Dominant that sets where the line will be drawn. The submissive can only take action in post mortem, after the fact rather than in pre-caution. The only power a submissive has is in choosing who they want to submit to, but I don't see it as any less equal than the choice a Dominant has. After all a Dominant has a choice of accepting submission - or not.
| 8 Jan 08, 7:35 AM proccie UK(HP), 6 yrs   |
Fantastic post; thank-you. proccie Zen S&M: the sound of one hand slapping. | |
| 8 Jan 08, 7:40 AM MisterBear UK(WA), 8 yrs  |
I've never even been able to think about safe wording, even when needing it or almost needing it as every time I've got close or needed to say it the Dominant I've been with has recognised the signs and stopped or slowed down. But I agree with you. It's like going to the cinema to watch a film, you can walk out if you don't like it (unless the doors are locked, i.e. your safe word is ignored) but you don't have control over what film is shown or what happens in it, you just choose the one you think id more your type and hope it is. | |
| 8 Jan 08, 7:52 AM Violently UK(B), 12 yrs |
I think it is dangerous just to rely solely on safe words.
I know its not a new discussion but I'm always amazed at how often the idea ends up as some sort of misnomer of power. Power isn't in the safe word at all, it's in communication, in having an observant and caring partner. -- A Kervert Pinky | |
| 8 Jan 08, 9:36 AM DKLeather  UK(S), 11 yrs |
bravo lovely lady... I concur. Meanwhile, we really must get together again as we intended, and soon. ~doffs cap~ | |
| 8 Jan 08, 10:14 AM MistressRouge UK(B), 6 yrs £ |
I agree totally My dear friend Communication, is the most essential factor to playing without safewords, as I do. I do not session/scene with safewords, signals however, I do use, as some situations i.e. bondage, breathplay, and any head/mouth coverings/gags etc do not enable a sub to safeword at all. Those that visit me, are attracted to the fact that no safewords are used in my unions, having them submit totally in my hands lol.
I do however acknowledge the importance of safewords for those that need them in play, especially for reassurance for first-time unions, and the trust factor does play a big part in that also.
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| 8 Jan 08, 11:35 AM Miss_Dee UK(L), 5 yrs   |
Interesting log and posts, gives me a lot more to think about with safe words. Thanks xx Miss Tura | |
| 8 Jan 08, 12:24 PM Der_Morgenstern UK(LA), 7 yrs |
An excellent post that articulates something I've felt for a while. New Labour: Proof positive that 345 villages are missing their idiots. |
