Submissive sexualising a break-up? (43)

In terms of turning me on, yes blummin' heck it works, it works to an extreme amount... but the reasons it doesn't 'work' in other areas really - well, see the rest of this thread

Thank you very much Undescribeable. I hope things improve for me too (now that's an easy statement to make! ). I am definitely very improved emotionally & mentally in myself a huge amount from just a few days ago. I think the New Year has actually helped psychologically even! (never experienced that before!). Hoping it lasts.

Edited 2 Jan 08, 11:59 PM by Nekkii

So far we are managing to navigate my EM tendencies well in our relationship. Being 'real' is important to us as someone else mentioned, so it's not so much about using this in fantasy play, but in recognising it as an innate desire (need?) I have and learning how to incorporate that positively.

My EM is very tied into punishment and the notion of having displeased my Mistress. De has a natural tendency to withdraw when she is feeling annoyed about something, so we've experimented with using this. Rather than my simply feeling upset at her withdrawal, she has occasionally used it deliberately as a punishment by letting me know she is displeased and then withdrawing contact for a time. This is usually only slightly longer than we would usually go without speaking. It presses all my EM buttons perfectly though and I get to sink into the heady depths of despair knowing that I am so awful and terrible and useless that my wonderful Mistress doesn't even want to speak to me. I get to wring my hands in anguish and teeter on the brink of tears, desperately wondering when she will deign to contact me. (if this reads like porn you know you're an emotional masochist! )

My Mistress gets the time out she needs to think and balance herself and decide whether further action is necessary. I get my needs met in a non damaging way as well as knowing my behaviour was unacceptable. My Mistress has also discovered that she gets a dominant pleasure from knowing I am squirming in turmoil which helps her feel better about whatever has annoyed her. It works all round. I'm sure we'll be exploring this more in the future.

Well, lets hope you find that someone special then - when you are ready

Liked your description pinkylucys btw. Seems a very well balanced way of doing it. Not something I would find constructive personally, as I've said, but I know its something other people like, and that seems a good way to sort a problem.

In this context as long as I feel I am not encouraging the behaviour which caused upset I don't care how you feel as long as you are not suffering genuinely unbearable in a bad way feelings. Of course having sexual/masturbation abstention orders in place does help rather, cos I know you can't enjoy it TOO much if it's arousing

If necessarry I would use a more extended period of non contact if I were displeased badly and trust you to safeword if it went wrong. I Do like to punish, in sexy ways as well as ones which just cannot be sexy (wet panties and jeans springs to mind here, hun ) hehe you can explain that one if you want lol.

De

Roses are red, bruises are blue, masochists are sweet, and I love you.

Edited 3 Jan 08, 7:25 PM by Degenerate

Hmmm, now I somehow feel I *should* explain.... well..... mumblemumblemumble....

well, I really stupidly threw a wet sponge at my Mistress's face in playful and thoughtless moment, so to let me know that it is a totally unacceptable thing I was ordered into the bedroom, and told to pull down my jeans and knickers so my Mistress could soak my arse and more 'personal parts' using a cold wet sponge. She then told me to pull my jeans back up and go and eat my dinner.

Sitting down in cold soggy jeans and then walking home on a very cold day is NOT sexy I can assure you! I was pretty damn sulky! I only use sponges for cleaning nowadays.

Roses are red, bruises are blue, masochists are sweet, and I love you.

The same thing happens to me as a Domme so I can definitely relate to your feelings.

Edited 4 Jan 08, 11:08 PM by Kitti_Whitaker

This is true. I ended the relationship because it was so damaging to me psychologically and so painful for me. This made it easier for me to work out the feelings in fantasy while never wanting to actually return to the relationship. It was easy for me to separate the fantasy from the reality.

Again, this is true. She was so keen on guilt-tripping me and I found our conversations so traumatic that it wasn't long before we ended contact.

But there was a period where we were still in contact. And I did get tempted at times to initiate some kind of casual sexual contact. I felt quite turned on by the idea of letting her 'use me' in this manner. But in fact she was offended and insulted by this - she felt it was me 'using' her. And maybe she had a point.

She was pretty prudish about all things kinky (despite being quite dominant in many vanilla ways). In the end it was my views on sexuality that caused the biggest rift between us anyway. And in the end we broke contact because she found some of my views on sexuality 'digusting' (she was a lapsed fundamentalist christian who still believed all that stuff even though she wasn't going to church anymore)

So my situation was different to yours, which I'm sure made it easier for me to make a clean break - and to separate my submissive sexualising of the break-up from the reality of the situation.

I do hope you get over it.

My view on fantasies is to enjoy them and let them take their natural course. You don't have to act on them and they are probably your mind's way of working through all the emotional issues.

But I can see how they could be difficult in some situations and make it harder to move on and let go.

I really hope you manage to work through these feelings and get to a more comfortable place. It must be painful to have those kind of fantasies when it was the other person who ended it and so you kind of want her back. That must make it very difficult.

But like I say - the fantasies themselves are part of the healing process and as time goes by you will probably find the strength to move on. When that time comes you'll find other people to fantasise about. I still have fantasies about my ex occasionally - but they don't have the hold on me they used to have - and I don't really enjoy them as much anymore.

I really hope you find healing on this one - and sooner rather than later. I know how hard it can be when you tend to sexualise negative emotional situations. I do the same thing myself.

I know how hard it is when I have sexualised situations of unrequited infatuation. The other person's disdain and contempt can make them seem all the more sexy and dominant. It's hard not to get obsessed. Being an emotional masochist can be a bitch.

Breaking contact can be a very, very good idea. It gives you space to recover properly.

It's not the fantasies themselves that are the problem. They are just symptoms and part of the healing process. It's continuing to pin hopes on the unattainable person - it's confusing the fantasies with reality. Those are the real problems here. Like I said, breaking contact is probably a good idea. It gives you the space to sort your own head out - to separate the fantasies from the reality of what you need and want.

I really hope you find healing and gain the strength to move on.

"I can't conceal the way I'm healed, the pleasure I feel when I have to deal with the mercy in you" Depeche Mode 'Mercy in you'

Yet the huge difference for me as we've hit upon is that, unlike your situation, it would be so easy for me to re-initiate things - even though it could offend her too as you point out. I think she has a mixed view on this from our previous discussions, I don't know which way she'd go if really faced with it.

Despite a few days of real strength after I posted this thread, I have been lapsing somewhat mentally the past few days. I've not so much been 'having' the fantasies though, more like a part of me think's it's actually a logical good idea (to my hurt side & to my submissive lusting side) to go through with re-initiating things. Even if it's "just to see what happens".

This is because I keep getting the depressing feeling that I can never find anything as 'good' as this relationship was again. I know exactly how rare a woman like this is, how lucky I was to find her, and how unlikely someone like her is to ever want me! Whether this is a realistic thought or not I have to admit I don't really know. But it's this thought that I could never find anyone who I could love so much (I did some =extreme= great things that I would never have considered myself capable of before!), or I could ever be that submissive to again (due to the sheer physical attraction level, mainly!). She once said herself to me after the breakup "have I set the bar that high?" and it feels like to me, yes she has - and this feels very damaging to my psyche To analogise it almost feels like I'm asking lightning to strike the same spot twice.

So when I start to feel like this, it actually makes sense to this part of me to make plans to get my ex-domme 'back' (to whatever extent, even if it's just attempting to get her to send me bitchy MSNs or texts, or simply to follow her around to look at her & obsess about her, or to simply look at photos of her or her websites and fantasise about her) - this is the part of me that will also heavily sexualise the breakup as you can tell. The logic is there that even this is "better than nothing"... and I know how much I =would= enjoy this - it also takes away the 'pain' of the breakup when I feel like this.

But I have stopped myself doing any of those things still. In fact I've managed not to speak to her or to even let her see me.

But when I am feeling positive, I have a (hopefully) more rational and sensible 'hope' for the future that I =can= be lucky again, and that I can find better. And also my caring feelings for her come to the fore, as I also know that it will be better for her to be away from me. I know how dangerous she is for me, and possibly I may be for her right now too. It's also logical to me that I will in fact, get over it in time.

The one place where my fantasies really are actually 'better' than even her is in my own imagination though. So I've been going to that 'well' to stop myself getting hung up on the "I've got nothing" feeling. I realise that I may well just be choosing between fantasies anyway.. but there is that nagging part of me that wants to know for sure. :-/ I almost feel like I have to prove to myself that it IS just a fantasy to move on. Of course, if it is, this will involve getting her so offended & annoyed with me that I have no doubts about it. This also does not seem very healthy. But actually oddly, I've been in a very similar situation before in my youth (although it was a vanilla romance) with a girl that was going out with someone else, but used to have repeated dalliances with me (which very nasty emotionally for me as I'd never had any contact with a girl before!). The only way I really got over it was to push her to the point where she didn't want to have anything to do with me.

Edited 5 Jan 08, 6:19 PM by Nekkii

Its normal to feel like you will never find anyone that comes up to her.

But, personally, I'm a great believer in fate, and if this much shit has happened to you, something really great has got to come out of it